“Flaming Bag of Poo”
Fantasy football was created for know-it-all types like me. We think we know better than the real pros. We think we have it all figured out. And we want everyone to acknowledge that. In song. With statues. Even a small shrine in the Fantasy Football Hall of Fame, located in Canton, Georgia.
Like millions today, I recently caught the bug and participated in my very first fantasy football league last season. Like today’s NFL, my fantasy league last year began with very humble beginnings. Back in 1920, the American Professional Football Association (http://football.about.com/library/weekly/bl_genealogy20s.htm) started with merely 14 teams instead of the 32 teams that we know today. Could I get more fantasy points from the starting quarterback of the Muncie Flyers, or should I gamble on the quarterback of the Chicago Tigers? (Mind you, the forward pass had barely been invented. The shot gun formation and the spread offense were more akin to mobsters, than to the roots of what we would later know as the National Football League.
My first fantasy league had four teams only. I decided about a week before the season started that I wanted to play and see what all this fantasy fuss was all about. We didn’t have anything resembling a fun draft party. And since there were only four of us, even our bench players drafted were studs. It took me until about Week 3 before I finally started to realize how Yahoo Sports scoring actually works. Stupid me. Being a sports bettor, I was still too consumed on which teams might make the playoffs. For a know-it-all, I was surprised to find out there was actually one thing that I didn’t know. So I pretended like I did know when I didn’t , and when I finally did know, I pretended like I didn’t know.
And by the time that I took the lead around Week 3, I broke into some trash talking and high-steppin’ toward the end zone. Much like Leon Lett in Super Bowl XXVII against the Buffalo Bills. Doh!
FANTASY FOOTBALL LESSON #1: it ain’t over until it’s over, so always make sure it’s over sooner rather than later.
Now I understand why all fantasy leagues don’t play in Week 17. To my grave, I will curse the Chicago Bears, who by winning in Week 16 and locking up the NFC third seed–locked the Philadelphia Eagles into the fourth seed. As my quietly selected early season gems Michael Vick and DeSean Jackson sat, some stupid fantasy team led by Philip Rivers overtook me for our playoff-less championship. In what Bizarro fantasy world does Philip Rivers win the last game for the championship?!?!
While the owners and players feuded during the lockout, my representatives addressed the issue of expansion in our fantasy league for 2011. I’m like Commissioner Roger Goodell (except I’m much more handsome and secretly more blond than he is). I found four more fantasy league owners to play. I increased fantasy league revenues by 400%. I planned a fun draft party within walking distance of my home.
And I got the idea to start this blog in order to trash talk everyone else. To ridicule their judgment and their loyalties. To read things into their actions that aren’t even there and embarrass them for the sake of sport.
They call this “content”.
One day, that may earn me millions!
Today, I’d settle on seven or eight blog subscribers.
Tomorrow, “Flaming Bag of Poo” will size up my so-called competition.
(Sept. 6, 2011)