Or, as an alternative, we could just call ourselves the National Football League. N-F-L, for short. (Because somehow, the acronym ROOPCM won’t look as good on all official ROOPCM licensed products.)
Yup, it’s all in the name. There are non-English speaking Chinese families that don’t even own even one of the same plasma televisions they make so well. But they know the word “NFL”. Kudos to the NFL for being a more powerful marketing machine than Apple, Disney, or Kim Kardashian. http://kimkardashian.celebuzz.com/2010/05/20/kim-launches-new-website-design/
So, what’s our fantasy league called? None other than the “Unsportsmanlike League”.
Yes, I know that name sucks.
We may as well have called ourselves the “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”. What? That name was taken already? By a movie that helped shepherd Sean Connery into early retirement? http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/league_of_extraordinary_gentlemen/
Ack! Imagine what “Unsportsmanlike League” is going to do to a star career like mine!
I realize that our Unsportsmanlike League Commish will start attacking me like the 2010 Denver Broncos defense (last in sacks forced with 23.0). http://espn.go.com/nfl/statistics/team/_/stat/defense
Our Commish had asked everyone to volunteer other suggested league names. So obviously, I’m not too worried about him.
What I’m more worried about is the draft order. He claims that he chose some random generating draft order tool from FFtoolbox.com. But I have my sneaking suspicion that he cheated. I wish there was a random drug test that told you whether a guy falsified the draft order selection process.
For the record, let me say, I am in favor of all testing. I believe that all NFL players should be subjected to random on-field testing at the conclusion of every game. But instead of drug testing alone, they should also re-administer the Wonderlic test (http://www.wonderlic.com/) that players take during the NFL Draft Combine.
Think about it. At the end of most NFL games, don’t you want some bonehead player to tell you what he was thinking when he cost his team the win?
In fact, this raises a very good idea…
FANTASY FOOTBALL LESSON #2: Administer the Wonderlic test to all my friends. Maybe even at this week’s draft party.
This way, instead of thinking that some of your closest friends are boneheads, with the Wonderlic test, you will finally have objective proof!!!
This leads me to the topic of fantasy football team names. A team name can be as sexy as the “Dallas Cowboys”. Others, can be as shitty as the “Cleveland Browns”. To prove this, I went to a bar tonight and asked 100 guys this poll question: Which cheerleaders are #1? The “Dallas Cowboys” or the “Cleveland Browns”. The final tally was 99.5 to 0.5. (Some douche bag who obviously doesn’t watch football answered, “I don’t want to offend either group, so I’ll split my vote.”
Below, in the order of our upcoming fantasy league draft, are our eight teams. In parenthesis, the corresponding number next to each team name tells you how many of those same predicted this fantasy team would win just based on the coolness of the name. (Note: the votes only total 99, since I decided that I was done talking to that douche bag who was trying to get the bartender to change one of the bar TVs to ABC’s “The Bachelor Pad”.) http://abc.go.com/shows/bachelor-pad
Our fantasy football league team names:
1 – Drunken Irishmen (12)
2 – Moneyballer (6)
3 – FunctioningDerelicts (25)
4 – Bardsdale Brawlers (0)
5 – Flaming Bag of Poo (19)
6 – Blindside Taylors (27)
7 – Chengri-La (9)
8 – Teufle Hunden (1)
DRUNKEN IRISHMEN – Even in a bar, this team name couldn’t win. Face it, when it comes to football these days, the Irish suck. To me, this owner may as well have called his team “Jimmy Clausens”.
MONEYBALLER – In any year, this team name would have scored much, much higher. But have you seen those ads for the movie “Moneyball” starring Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill? (http://www.moneyball-movie.com/). It looks like “Bull Durham” (minus the jokes and Susan Sarandon in her prime…if she ever had a prime.) “Moneyballer” can’t possibly live up to the hype. Even when the hype is a box office yawn.
FUNCTIONING DERELICTS – Good thing this wasn’t a spelling bee, because none of the 25 voters could have spelled D-E-R-E-L-I-C-T-S properly. Most of them weren’t even entirely sure what one means. But if woebegone can come close to winning in this contest, then “Functioning Derelicts” has a good chance of winning this fantasy league.
BARDSDALE BRAWLERS – If you find yourself in Bardsdale, then you’re obviously lost. Exactly like this fantasy team…lost. And as we learned last season, you can’t be much of a brawler when you’re sitting on injured reserve. “Bardsdale Brawlers” is the only returning team that wasn’t clever enough to come up with a new team name this season. And he’s a writer, mind you.
Most of the time, I’ll be on fire. And yes, occasionally, I may stink. There was considerable debate in the bar over this team name. Some shitheads kept telling me that it’s supposed to be “Poop”, not “Poo”. Just as many weirdos kept telling me that it’s supposed to be “Pooh”, instead of “Poo”. Frankly, nobody would ever root for a team that stuffs Winnie the Pooh inside a bag and cremates him in a fiery spectacle. All I know is the “Flaming Bag of Poo” always has the last laugh.
BLINDSIDE TAYLORS – If you can’t figure out this obvious Lawrence Taylor reference, then you ain’t a New Yorker! Or you ain’t Washington Redskin Joe Theismann (www.youtube.com/watch?v=PH8SZOqc6Pk). Or you ain’t an under-age female. This fantasy team could be really scary. Primarily because it’s our one and only female owner of a fantasy team this season. No dude wants to lose to her, because I will rag them like no end in this blog each week–even if that loser is me. Actually, especially if I lose to her!!! Guarantee, she ain’t picking players by who look cutest in their uniform.
CHENGRI-LA – One of the rookies this season, there will be a draft day rule that if he takes too slow to make his selection in the later rounds, then we automatically give him (a UCLA alum) one (or all) of the USC quarterbacks. Matt Leinart? Mark Sanchez? Carson Palmer? (Doesn’t even matter if he’s not playing this season!) His team will look good coming off the bus, but that’s it. http://sait.usc.edu/recsports/spirit/song/thesquad/thesquad.html Can’t really succeed in this league; that’s why he gets Leinart, Sanchez and Palmer. If “Chengri-La” wins, I should get a playoff split. He knows why.
TEUFEL HUNDEN – The one and only U.S. Marine in the bar threatened to knock my lights out for making fun of “Teufel Hunden” (which I later learned means something like “Hounds from Hell” in German.) [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Devil_Dog] Thank goodness then there was only one, or I wouldn’t be alive to blog today! “Teuflel Hunden” could be a force of one, if he shows up, every week. With this owner, one is all he may need. Except if that one turns out to be Peyton Manning.
What’s in a name? Everything, I guess.
Although if I had to do it all over again, I would have created a different league name. Such as “HE HATE ME” league, a tribute to someone who was really (Rod) Smart. http://xfinity.comcast.net/slideshow/sports-nicknames/20/
However, we’ll take your league name suggestions here.
Later this week, Flaming Bag of Poo will analyze Tuesday’s draft day party and selections before Thursday’s opener.
(Sept. 7, 2011)