If this were an actual emergency, oxygen masks would fall from the ceiling from the J-E-T-S jets jets jets.
Air raid sirens would sound like it was raining Brady-to-Welker bombs. ESPN’s four-hour “NFL Live” would have been interrupted for you to receive instructions on how to repair the damage from your misguided fantasy draft picks.
It would be too easy to second-guess yourself and wonder if you should have played your bench players over your starters (FUNCTIONING DERELICTS). That’s the trouble when you Monday Morning Quarterback before NBC’s Sunday Night Football pregame show even begins.
It’s only Week #1. If you didn’t start your studs, you’re essentially admitting that you didn’t know what you were doing during our draft party. So in this blog, nobody is going to give you too hard a time because you started WRs Burress and Johnson over Manningham and Jackson, CHENGRI-LA.
To quote either artificially-preserved Oakland Raider owner Al Davis or the baby mama of second-string QB Matt Leinart…“Just win, baby.”
But BLINDSIDE TAYLORS didn’t just win. She made grown men cry. Making winners out of losers—and making Cheesehead Gods out of winners—our only female owner throttled FUNCTIONING DERELICTS. Of course, with 128.38 points, she would have pummeled anyone. She may have drafted well, but she managed her team even better—playing her obvious studs which led to no-second guessing. It’s hard to argue that Reggie Wayne is still a stud when you have Kerry Collins taking about an hour to release the ball on his throws, but when you own WRs Johnny Knox and Sidney Rice, Wayne looks more like The Dark Knight as opposed to Bruce Wayne. Can that receiving group carry you during the Packers’ bye-week. I admit, I ran straight to the match-up weeks to figure out when I have to duel against BLINDSIDE TAYLORS.
Miss BLINDSIDE TAYLORS could still turn out to be Mrs. Aaron Rodgers. Because he’s a real throw, and she’s a real catch! Yeah, really bad pun. Obviously, I’m still in preseason form. Normally I would have been practicing humorous remarks during two-a-days. F*cking, NFL strike!
However, Rodgers certainly has no shortage of girlfriend prospects. On Google, there were so girlfriend photos to choose from.
Even if K Janikowski’s 63-yard was kicked from Oakland, it still wouldn’t earn you enough points to beat BLINDSIDE TAYLORS. When a dude named “Sebastian” is your third deadliest fantasy weapon, you deserve to lose. And lose big. Which you did.
Michael Vick may resemble a running back at times, but unfortunately for you, he can’t resemble a wide receiver because you needed one this week. Do yourself a favor and draft this speedy little guy named Steve Smith; maybe you thought you had drafted the former Giant Steve Smith when you left him on your bench catching those lasers from Newton.
If I recall correctly, during our post-draft chatter at Tavern On Main last week, when asked which roster you’d want who wasn’t your own, most chose FUNCTIONING DERELICTS’ roster. That says a lot about your managing skills. I can’t play you soon fast enough.
The MONEYBALLER vs. DRUNKEN IRISHMEN match up had as much irony as New England clam chowder has clams. In the closest match-up of Week #1, MONEYBALLER needed a record-setting night from Tom Brady to beat the Patriot-heavy fantasy team of DRUNKEN IRISHMEN (who should have played more Patriots). Imagine, had DRUNKEN IRISHMEN played the three remaining Patriots sitting on his bench at the TE/RB/WR spots, he could have overcome MONEYBALLER’s Super Brady surge. Tom Brady gets Giselle, but MONEYBALLER got the beautiful win! Hopefully MONEYBALLER can do better on Sundays, because Brady can’t bail you out every Monday night (well, maybe once more). MONEYBALLER survived sub-par performances from RBs and WRs (who aren’t named Megatron).
And MONEYBALLER suffered the first in-season game injury with Colston; remember, I said the “first” in-season game injury. More on that shortly.
Still both teams romped, but unfortunately, DRUNKEN IRISHMEN has to settle for a moral victory, instead of an actual fantasy victory. It’s like a drunken Irishman who wakes up from a morning of great sex—only to discover she’s his cousin—but he knew that going in!
TEUFLE HUNDEN and CHENGRI-LA almost looked like the winner would be whoever had the ball last. Who was that masked man wearing the “Brandon Marshall” jersey? I guess you did your homework during draft night. No doubt, your fantasy league homework was much harder than your USC homework, which I understand you were doing at the exact same time.
The winner for the Early Heartbreak Award goes to you and K Nate Kaeding. Thanks for grabbing Kaeding before I could (like I did last year until he got injured). Kaeding’s attempt to tackle Percy Harvin looked like Yankee Don Zimmer trying to take down Red Sox Pedro Martinez. Although, Zimmer would have gotten a hand on Harvin. And Zimmer was able to get up off the ground afterwards.
If you’re nice, we’ll let you pick up the Chargers’ punter as your kicker; with his points, you might have beaten CHENGRI-LA. Think about it. I bet you hadn’t until this very moment!
CHENGRI-LA, just like QB Cam Newton, proved he could be really dangerous even though he looks like he doesn’t even know what he’s doing out there. If Colt McCoy had substituted a couple hand-offs for a couple of those many incompletions, Peyton Hillis and the rest of CHENGRI-LA’s bench would have all scored in double digits. All things considered we can’t second-guess his choice of starters when you can actually pull off a win.
And finally, there’s the rivalry between BARDSDALE BRAWLERS and my FLAMING BAG OF POO. It’s just like the week #1 grudge match between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Baltimore Ravens. With me playing the role of Ravens’ offense, and you playing the role of the Steelers’ defense (your sixth round pick on draft night). What, you didn’t think I’d mention that? Negative three??? That sounds like the women at Big Ben’s last hot tub party.
BARDSDALE BRAWLERS, meet “Hammer Time”.
FLAMING BAG OF POO proved he could outrun BARDSDALE BRAWLERS with two legs tied behind my back. Those two legs belonging to studs Arian Foster and Steven Jackson. I have no running backs after week #1, and yet, it’s good enough to beat a healthy BARDSDALE BRAWLERS roster. That must hurt as bad as a late fumble or interception—both of which Tony Romo had. Take away that, your Steelers defense, and WR Bowe (because the Bills took away Bowe from the Chiefs passing game), and I admit you have my injured reserve list roster beat. Who can say that they won during week #1 while sitting their top draft choice stud? This guy!!!
Oh, just so you know, FLAMING BAG OF POO paid that Bronco to illegally horse-collar McFadden in the second quarter. I was prepared to John out-Fox you, even if it meant earning a penalty to send your RB to the bench. FLAMING BAG OF POO plays dirty.
I’m 1-0! Just win, baby!
But the oxygen mask dropped from the ceiling before Steven Jackson crossed the goal line on his 47-yard TD carry. I could see his grimace. I could see his limp. That’s how I feel today looking at my roster for week #2. Three of my four RBs are injured already, and worse yet, the fourth one is part of Pete Carroll’s offense. Maybe I’ll just skip starting two RBs. I can still pull out a win, unless TEUFEL HUNDEN is paying enough attention to replace Kaeding this week; he was the same guy who took about a month to replace Romo last season after he broke his funny bone.
(Sept. 12, 2011)