[In my mind I’m goin’ to Carolina
Can’t you see the sunshine
Can’t you just feel the moonshine
Ain’t it just like a friend of mine
To hit me from behind
Yes I’m goin’ to Carolina in my mind]
Heck, even singer-songwriter James Taylor didn’t have Cam Newton on his mind at the start of this NFL season.
TEUFLE HUNDEN was sure seeing the sunshine. He hit FLAMING BAG OF POO from behind. He hit me from chin. He hit me so hard that a Cam Newton to Miles Austin connection alone would have beaten my entire starting line-up (55.12 points) in Week #2.
Trust me, after seeing the way Newton throws, he could have connected with Austin on a Carolina to Texas bomb.
[In my mind I’m goin’ to Carolina]
At least all the other losers suffered point letdowns like me.
They did, didn’t they?!?!
Less than 12 points separated the 1st place point winner (DRUNKEN IRISHMEN) from the 6th place point winner (MONEYBALLER), so helmets off to those powerhouse offenses.
Week #2 winless FUNCTIONING DERELICTS (94.28) and BARDSDALE BRAWLERS (124.00) scored big enough to win, but didn’t. And even bigger hard-luck losers MONEYBALLER (123.12) got run over by season leader BLINDSIDE TAYLORS.
Everyone will want to play FLAMING BAG OF POO before Arian Foster and Steven Jackson walk onto the field with two good legs. In the meantime, I am a beachfront bait-and-tackle shop on the Carolina coast with Hurricane Irene scheduled to play me in week #3.
BLINDSIDE TAYLORS continues to demonstrate that the best roster management is no roster management at all. There has been no tweaking, no tinkering. Simply stick to your draft day hunches. It’s like Smash-ball football. Tell the opposing defense that you’re going to run three straight running plays, and then dare the opponent to stop you. It’s like Brandon Jacobs back in his prime. Or Brandon Jacobs playing against the Rams’ red zone defense. Undefeated and leading in points.
[Can’t you see the sunshine]
Even with a 25.20 lead over BLINDSIDE TAYLORS going into the Monday Night Rams-Giants game, MONEYBALLER could not have felt very money. After all, BLINDSIDE TAYLORS had her homeboys Nicks and Bradshaw ready (not to mention Rams kicker Brown). I guess that goes to show, it takes a lot more Tom Bradys to beat a New Yorker. As they say, an ugly win is still a win. It’s a good thing that BLINDSIDE TAYLORS did the dirty work for the rest of us by taking down MONEYBALLER, because I see MONEYBALLER’s roster going really far this season—assuming he can avoid the injured reserve list. Of course, if MONEYBALLER ends up 1-2 after next week, then he just looks like a really bad owner. Daniel Snyder bad. MONEYBALLER bad as in Brad Pitt in TWELVE MONKIES, instead of Brad Pitt in THELMA AND LOUISE.
CHENGRI-LA is the equivalent of a much more versatile offense. In week #2, nearly every player on the roster scored in double-digits. Even your kicker…who would have been third for my entire roster!!! By the time CHENGRI-LA plays me, hopefully he’ll be so overconfident that he will start all the wrong players.
Going into the Eagles-Falcons game, CHENGRI-LA needed at least a 50-point lead before FUNCTIONING DERELICTS brought Vick, White, and Turner to the line of scrimmage. The quarterback gods were not in FUNCTIONING DERELICTS’ favor, as Vick’s own linesman head-butted him, and QB Ryan handcuffed the Falcons offense not named TE Tony Gonzales.
And with the only first-round RB proving his true worth, Adrian Peterson and DRUNKEN IRISHMEN celebrated with drinks for everyone! 134.90 points to win the week overall. Wow, Peterson, Best, Gronkowski, Britt, Ryan, and Fitzgerald all topped 18 points. When you sit RB Matthews and his 18.60 points and that turns out to be a wise move, then you know that you’re on fuego like an Irish Car Bomb. (Yes, I realize that an Irish Car Bomb isn’t one of those drinks with a cool flame, but I couldn’t think of one more fitting.) This week, I was really hoping for Tom Brady to get a knee injury…or at least herpes…since I’m matched up against your Patriot-heavy DRUNKEN IRISHMEN next week.
[Can’t you just feel the moonshine]
FUNCTIONING DERELICTS and BARDSDALE BRAWLERS are on a potential week #5 collision course of winless teams. (At least I hope they’re both winless by week #5). Buccaneers WR Mike Williams (-0.40). Are you sure you drafted the correct WR Mike Williams? Are you sure you draft the right Michael Vick???
BARDSDALE BRAWLERS rebounded very strongly this week. In perhaps the smartest, most unfortunate roster management move of week #2, you left your healthy RB Jamaal Charles on the bench in order to score a 10.60 point bonanza with Tim Hightower. I hope your heart Hightower, because you’re going to be riding him for the rest of the season. When Charles went down with a torn ACL, that was the Yahoo Sports God’s way of saying, “Don’t try to out-smart us, because we will make you pay.” The next RB that you leave on the bench will have a bulls-eye on his knee next week.
Cowboy-lover TEUFLE HUNDEN was beating me up even before Sunday morning when he phoned Jerry Jones and convinced him to sit WR Dez Bryant. Instead, some unknown WR who won a reality TV show competition to make the Dallas roster started in his place; on top of that, he catches the game-winning bomb from Tony Romo—thus guaranteeing himself all of Romo’s sloppy seconds…which in Dallas, ain’t nothing to cry about. Too bad that I’m not playing you next week when all of the bullets (Austin, Bryant, Romo, Jones) in the Cowboys’ holster are dinged up.
[Ain’t it just like a friend of mine
To hit me from behind]
FLAMING BAG OF POO was really…shitty. Apparently, when the Chargers flew to Boston, they forgot to carry All-World TE Antonio Gates. Rivers shot-put the ball only once in Gates’ direction—and that pass was intercepted. Can you name the other 48 other TEs who scored more fantasy points than a healthy Gates? I’ll give you a hint, I’ll already give you Brody Eldridge, Matthew Mulligan, Brandon Myers, and Julius Thomas.
If I had lost this week by 1 point, I would have been furious. Good thing I avoided that fury!
I’ll be sifting through the Carolina Panther roster the way I’ve seen old farts in sandals and black socks sift through the sand using Geiger counters in search of buried treasure.
[Yes I’m goin’ to Carolina in my mind]
(Sept. 20, 2011)