In Dublin, there is a stunning, state-of-the-art entertainment concert arena called The O2 (“OH-two”).
But in this week’s match-up between my FLAMING BAG OF POO versus DRUNKEN IRISHMEN, the irony is that my own OH-two was far more entertaining. An irony that kills the DRUNKEN IRISHMEN like a potato famine.
As in point OH-two points…the narrowest of winning margins.
That’s the fantasy football equivalent of about one football length.
Really, think about it.
Third and 21. QB Tony Romo rolls right, and hits my WR Dez Bryant on a 21-yard seam route. Bryant drags the defender for an extra 9 yards, making it a 30-yard completion.
Now, if it were only a 29-yard completion, I get 0.10 fewer points, and end up with 121.52. Heck, if Bryant gets 29-yards and three ball lengths, the DRUNKEN IRISHMEN still probably win on a coin flip.
Instead, FLAMING BAG OF POO pulls off the ultimate squeaker…121.62 to 121.60 over the DRUNKEN IRISHMEN.
How close is that, fantasy football fans?
All four Unsportsmanlike League match-ups were dramatically close. Ain’t it weird how it ends up that way? If you had paired any two other teams other than the Week #3 match-ups, it wouldn’t have been nearly as exciting.
Before the Redskins-Cowboys rivalry game, it looked like the BARDSDALE BRAWLERS vs. BLINDSIDE TAYLORS match-up would provide all the much-talked-about hubbub. You gotta love it when two opposing fantasy teams not only go up against each other, but they’re so close, you carefully monitor who pulled ahead after every single reception and every single sack.
Darren McFadden continues to carry the BRAWLERS to wins. (What? Wait a minute. This was the BRAWLERS first win of the season?!?!) Come on, did anyone really believe McFadden could put up 29.80 against the vaunted Jets defense. Oh, man, the BRAWLERS and TAYLORS really did go head-to-head this weekend! McFadden’s TDs negated any points for the TAYLORS’ Jets defense (0.00). Playing Ryan Fitzpatrick over an injured Tony Romo proved to be a winning play, but we’ll see if the BRAWLERS really make the right moves when faced with starting Fitzpatrick versus starting a healthier Tony Romo.
Still, you gotta hand it to the BLINDSIDE TAYLORS thus far this season. Nobody has made fewer roster moves than the BLINDSIDE TAYLORS—remaining very faithful to her same starting roster, thanks to smart drafting. There’s still no second-guessing the BLINDSIDE TAYLORS’ roster management with McCoy, Bradshaw, and Rodgers continuing to put up consistently solid numbers. If Kerry Collins keeps his head on straight (or if Curtis Painter keeps his head on backwards so he could have seen James Harrison barreling down on him), the TAYLORS would be 3-0.
TEUFLE HUNDEN vs. FUNCTIONING DERELICTS proved to be a dramatic match-up in near-futility. In a game that featured eight field goals, you probably couldn’t remember the moment when Santana Moss put TEUFLE HUNDEN over the top–assuming that you consider 68 points to be “the top”. It ‘s so sportsmanlike for TEUFLE HUNDEN to dangle such false hope to the now 0-3 DERELICTS.
The DERELICTS should recall my Saturday prediction to him: DERELICTS’ bench players would outscore his comparable starters. I was half-kidding. In the end, the DERELICTS bench totaled 39.80, while its QB/WR/RB starters totaled 36.74. Remember, if your starters are not taller than top point producer Roddy White (14.00), then you are not tall enough for this ride.
TEUFLE HUNDEN managed to put up some solid numbers…on his bench. It took some guts to bench your pretty new toy, Cam Newton, while playing Drew Brees against the #1 defense (NFL stats, not fantasy) going into week #3. It’s too bad you didn’t use the Layaway Plan—where you could have saved some fantasy points while trouncing FLAMING BAG OF POO last week in the season’s biggest beat-down thus far. (I have no trouble dissing myself.) But you won, TEUFLE HUNDEN. Just win, baby. Talk about playing down to the level of your competition.
MONEYBALLER vs. CHENGRI-LA match-up also came down to the MNF game. Sure, TE Witten would have needed 3-4 touchdowns to catch-up, but we all know that Romo has so much man-love for his road trip roommate that MONEYBALLER could have made up that deficit. For a while on Sunday, it looked like Tom Brady might put up 50 points. The Patriots were playing like the old Loyola Marymount basketball games featuring Hank Gathers and Bo Kimble.
Score fast, score often, and just hope you finish with more second-chance points than the Buffalo Bills.
Frankly, I consider it hard to second-guess your roster management since I think you have an incredibly deep team. (Or am I just lulling you into a false sense of confidence before I have to play you?)
Let’s hear it for CHENGRI-LA…our last remaining undefeated team! Can he follow in the undefeated footsteps of the 1972 Fantasy Football Miami Dolphins? Wow, look at all the zeroes on your roster! Lucky for you, none of those zeroes belong to any starters. Living on the wild side…CHENGRI-LA hasn’t been locking down his roster until all the inactives are announced on Sunday morning. This past Sunday, Peyton Hills sits because of strep throat. Is a voice really necessary if you’re not the signal caller?
DRUNKEN PATRIOTS…whoops, I meant the DRUNKEN IRISHMEN…could have almost won the HUNDEN-DERELICTS match-up with his Patriot starters alone. 35.60 points from Wes Welker? Two touchdowns for Welker? Two is almost as many concussions as I predicted Welker would suffer this season. Enjoy him while he lasts! Also nice for you that Ryan Matthews posted 26.90 points against the normally tough Chiefs defense; I’m sure that’s what you were thinking…from the sidelines. Tough break (or tough tear) losing Kenny Britt to that early injury; if he stays on the field the whole game (or doesn’t fumble the ball as he went down writhing in pain), you also win our match-up. Fate was not on your side this weekend, but really, you deserved to stomp on FLAMING BAG OF POO. Second highest point total this week in the league, and all that gets you is 1-2.
FLAMING BAG OF POO won while benching his top four draft picks. Hear that? Benched his top four draft picks, people! Is this where I get ridiculed for having the worst draft night? Yeah, my four top picks are so bad, nobody would want to trade for them, right? Duds like Arian Foster, Philip Rivers, Steven Jackson, and Antonio Gates. I’ll start accepting trade offers for any of them.
After last week’s humiliating point total, POO chose to gamble this week knowing the Patriots would put up solid numbers. POO made the final hour decision to start Stafford on the road over Rivers at home. POO benched draftees Burleson and Jones in favor of recent pick-ups Moore and Nelson. POO re-acquired his originally drafted RB Daniel Thomas (who you could have scooped up off of waivers after Week #1–that almost overlooked Thomas for Bush swap and re-swap). Thomas was a giant for POO—although frankly anyone looks like a giant alongside Darren Sproles.Drafting a second TE with my seventh round draft choice sure paid dividends in the form of Finley’s 3 TDs. Finally, POO gambled that Dez Bryant would be healthy enough to start by Monday (with a questionable Romo); that gamble looked like a failure until that 30-yard completion with under 3:00 on the game clock.
Point OH-two points, and all of sudden I look like a genius.
OK, I know none of you think that I look like a genius. But at 2-1 with so many injured studs, I feel like a genius.
Billy Crystal’s Fernando Lamas impression was wrong.
“It is better to FEEL good, than to LOOK good!”
(Sept. 27, 2011)