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The Legend of Curtis Painter

NFL Films never met a football player that it couldn’t turn into a hero.

So in a weekend where a poor Harvard-educated Ryan Fitzpatrick, or a lung-punctured Tony Romo, could take the field against all odds to lead their team to victory, a real legend was created during Week #3 of our fantasy football’s Unsportsmanlike League.

That legend’s name is Curtis Painter.

The Legend of Curtis Painter

And dare I say that Colts QB Curtis Painter is nothing short of “an act of God.”

Y’know, God doesn’t really rest on Sundays. God doesn’t just kick back in his La-Z-Boy with a cold beer in one hand and the remote control for his DirecTV NFL Sunday Ticket package in the other hand. Nope, God wasn’t lounging around merely watching the fourth quarter of Sunday’s Steelers-Colts game.

A fantasy league miracle happened. I know, because I witnessed it. Al Michaels will go to the Vatican this week to prove the existence of this true fantasy football miracle.

Picture this divine intervention…

Invulnerable and undefeated BLINDSIDE TAYLORS is playing Steelers WR Mike Wallace and Colts WR Reggie Wayne on her fantasy roster. Winless BARDSDALE BRAWLERS counters with only the Pittsburgh defense. His pre-Sunday night game fantasy point lead got shaved with every pass attempt by Big Ben Roethlisberger and Senior Citizen Discount Kerry Collins.

Going into the fourth quarter, the BRAWLERS were clinging to a narrow lead, with the TAYLORS inching ever closer. By the time Kerry Collins sits with a phantom concussion, the TAYLORS had already overtaken the BRAWLERS by one point.

There was no hope left for the BRAWLERS, since with the score being so close, the offenses would continue passing the ball to Wallace and Wayne—enabling them to rack up more and more fantasy points.

And then the BRAWLERS “Hail Mary” was answered: Curtis Painter comes off the bench with the score tied.

After a few hand-offs against the Pittsburgh defense playing the run, and after a few shaky throws by Painter, it still looked like the TAYLORS would hang on. The only way for the BRAWLERS to win would require a miracle. An act of God.

Painter drops back to pass. DE James Harrison flies around the blindside and levels Painter. FS Troy Polamalu scoops up the fumble and scampers in for the touchdown.

Six points for the Steelers defense!!! Can I get a witness from the congregation?!?!


CHENGRI-LA and I were watching the game on my couch. We both sprung to our feet, high-fiving…so giddy that you wondered if we had enough hand-eye coordination between us to actually make contact while we high-fived. Sort of like the Giants defensive line slapping Michael Vick upside the head and not getting called for any penalties.

The improbable just happened—the Steelers defense scored enough fantasy points [6] to put the BRAWLERS ahead. BARDSDALE BRAWLERS pulls off the upset over the previously undefeated BLINDSIDE TAYLORS…107.26 to 103.08.

NFL Films, are you listening???

You can have your breath-taking Tony Romo performances.

You can have your gutty Wes Welker fantasy point bonanzas.

You can even have your blue-collar Ryan Fitzpatrick going toe-to-toe with Tom Brady and his supermodel-worthy hairstyle. (Although I give mad props to Fitzpatrick for proposing to his wife at a McDonald’s—not just any McDonald’s, but actually one of those McDonald’s attached to a gas station!)

Of course, to my future fiancée out there, rest assured, I know that would be totally uncool if it were me. (Partly because I’m not a Buffalo Bills QB. Although considering the Colts QB situation right now, I could probably be a third-stringer.)

There were some gutsy performances in Week #3.

But now I am coining the phrase “un-gutsy”.

I ran a Google Image search on the word “un-gutsy” today, and it spitted out numerous photos of Indianapolis Colts QB Curtis Painter.

And the fantasy football league legend of Curtis Painter was born!

Charlize Theron will play Curtis Painter in the movie version.

True fact: Charlize Theron is a taller blonde than Curtis Painter

(Sept. 26, 2011)


About Flaming Bag of Poo

An un-safe place where sports, entertainment, and pop culture converge. Flaming Bag of Poo...A rather unique blog. Because sometimes you're on fire. (But most of the time, you just plain stink!) ------ Creator of the blogs FLAMING BAG OF POO and I SELL UNICORNS.

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