Things weren’t even fair this week.
Fourth quarter of the Lions-Cowboys game this past Sunday. Detroit comes storming back from a huge deficit, but still trailing by three and sitting on the 2-yard line.
The biggest surprise wasn’t that Detroit QB lobbed the ball over 5-10″ Dallas CB Terence Newman to 6-5″ Detroit WR Megatron for the game-winning touchdown.
The biggest surprise wasn’t that Dallas received a penalty for twelve men on the field.
Actually, the biggest surprise was that Dallas—even with one extra defender—still did not double-cover Megatron on that play. After all, Megatron had caught his previous touchdown out-leaping three Dallas defenders.
Dallas Cowboy defensive coordinator Rob Ryan should be fired for that one.
Heck, that coaching was so unforgivable, his entire defensive-minded family should be fired! Fire Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan. Fire retired Chicago Head Coach Buddy Ryan while you’re at it. I don’t care if Buddy is sitting in some Chicago old coaches home eating pudding. Fire them all. Because if you can’t stop Megatron when you’re playing with one extra man, then you don’t deserve to win.
It was Week #4 of our Unsportsmanlike League, and even with one extra player off my bench, there was no way that FLAMING BAG OF POO could stop the BLINDSIDE TAYLORS and her season high 140.82 points.
You can’t stop BLINDSIDE TAYLORS. You can’t even hope to contain her.
Like the Cowboys, I had an early lead on my match-up opponent. But even if I had snuck Dez Bryant’s 16.20 points off my bench (yeah, why the heck was he sitting on my bench?), I could not have denied the victory from BLINDSIDE TAYLORS.
If not for the Legend of Curtis Painter, BLINDSIDE TAYLOR would have finished this four-game “preseason” 4-0…AND being total points leader. It’s pretty easy to look like a genius when QB Aaron Rodgers blows up for 46.92 points. The rest of us have a few QBs on our rosters who haven’t scored 46.92 points this whole season—much less in one game. And the worst part was that none of those touchdowns went to my TE Jermichael Finley!
But when your “other” New York team’s defense is putting up 21 points, and you get steady contributions from Nicks, McCoy, and Daniels, any opposing team looks as dumb as Rob Ryan. I am Rob Ryan—but without the cool head of “Sons of Anarchy” hair.
FLAMING BAG OF POO’s 45-point deficit is second only to…FLAMING BAG OF POO’s Week #2 beat down at the hands of TEUFLE HUNDEN. Hide all sharp objects. Remove my belt and shoelaces. Put me on fantasy football suicide watch because….oh, wait a minute, I’m still 2-2! Do I look as good as the 2-2 Jets, Cowboys, or Falcons? Or do I look as laughable as the 2-2 Bengals or Browns?
It could be a whole lot worse. I could have been FUNCTIONING DERELICTS, who needed a late touchdown from RB LeGarrett Blount during the Monday Night Football snooze-fest. Were you even awake to celebrate your first win, DERELICTS? The good news is that QB Michael Vick and RB Matt Forte delivered the type of performances you had been hoping for. The bad news is that you wonder if they’ll ever be able to duplicate those performances again this season. Because you needed every single point to defeat MONEYBALLER. In February, when we’re sitting in a dive bar, reminiscing about this fantasy season, we’ll be saying, “Remember that time when we gathered around my TV for our fantasy league party and watched WR Santonio Holmes just tear it up?”
Yeah, I’ll have trouble remembering that, too.
I will have no trouble remembering the Baltimore defense putting up 32 points for MONEYBALLER. Even Megatron couldn’t touch 32 points this week. Luckily for MONEYBALLER, almost his entire starting roster and bench put up respectable double-digit numbers. But you chose the wrong week to lose faith in RB Frank Gore in favor of RB Cedric Benson. Wouldn’t you like to have those 9.50 points back? Still, I consider you the most dangerous 1-3 team out there!!! And trust me, there are enough 1-3 teams to choose from—DERELICTS, BRAWLERS, and the Kansas City Chiefs among them—so that’s no disrespect to you.
Speaking about 1-3, the BARDSDALE BRAWLERS never seemed like they ever threatened the unblemished record of CHENGRI-LA. At least you got a lot of points out of your stud WR. Wait, what do you mean your BRAWLERS suffered another injury? First RB Jamaal Charles. And now WR Andre Johnson! Even worse yet, you only lose Johnson now for 3-4 games, so you’ll likely carry his deadweight on your bench. Now you can’t pick up another household name like “Eric Decker”. Face it, Eric Decker ain’t even a household name in his own Denver home. And Decker was your high point man (17.70) this week. Pretty bad, too, when Santonio Holmes overshadows TE Dustin Keller; it’s like a solar eclipse when they warn you about looking at it too closely because it will hurt your eyes. You have to be feeling good right now. (And I didn’t even mention those assets you have…Tate, Hightower, Henderson).
It’s kind of scary when CHENGRI-LA decides to start QB Big Ben and that Steelers offensive line—and yet still win his match-up quite handily. RB Beanie Wells puts up the quietest 31.80 points you’ll ever see this season, and yet, you didn’t even need him. Your “J-Team”(not be confused with the A-Team) of receivers—Jennings, Jackson, Johnson, and even Jones-Drew and a Jimmy–continues to carry you to victory. But is your team built to survive the bye-weeks? You need to start losing so that I can make more fun of your moves.
I guess everyone else was just saving that honor to FLAMING BAG OF POO in the Week #5 match-up. Still want to text me, CHENGRI-LA, to get my advice on your roster choices?
The match-up between DRUNKEN IRISHMEN and TEUFLE HUNDEN also seemed like a mismatch by midway through Sunday afternoon. The Patriots offense didn’t seem to produce any highlights. Normally, that would mean DRUNKEN IRISHMEN are sinking like British ships at the Boston Tea Party. But a funny thing happened, a few non-Patriots like QB Matt Ryan, WR DeSean Jackson, and the Chicago defense showed up. Throw in the fantasy league overachiever WR Wes Welker’s 21.80 points, and you put together enough points to beat TEUFLE HUNDEN. You can be adequate and still win handily. Imagine how you’d be doing if you actually knew what you were doing. Or paid attention.
TEUFLE HUNDEN is probably still second-guessing himself by leaving shiny new toy QB Cam Newton on the bench. There’s about 33.46 good reasons why you should have played him. Yes, we all suspect that Newton and the Panthers will tank at some point this season. After all, this is the same brain trust that believed in QB Jimmy Clausen. At 2-2, there’s no reason to panic. At 2-2, there’s no reason to just cruise (this ain’t USC, dude.)
But now the preseason is over. Yes, these first four games into the regular season were nothing more than a delayed preseason. Face it, without the usual training camps over the summer, most teams needed these last four weeks to get back into game shape. Last year, the previous two years, the Detroit Lions won their first four preseason games to go 4-0, and look how far they ended up in the playoff picture.
One thing we know is certain: the loser of next week’s FUNCTIONING DERELICTS vs. BARDSDALE BRAWLERS will put them one solid step closer to the Andrew Luck fantasy football draft sweepstakes. A clash of 1-3 teams. This is the sort of match-up that gets televised on Tuesday nights. On ESPN3.
Here’s my theory why the passing offenses have set NFL records after four games: during the player-led off-season workouts, even rookie QBs like Cam Newton and Andy Dalton could practice timing and routes with their receivers. But you can’t mimic blitzes. You can’t mimic bone-jarring hits on receivers coming across the middle. You can’t mimic DTs dropping back into pass coverage and making interceptions like Patriot Vince Wilfork. The defenses haven’t gotten up to speed as fast as the offenses. They need a real four-game preseason to do that. And that period just unofficially ended when LeGarrett Blount scored the game winning touchdown…for FUNCTIONING DERELICTS over MONEYBALLER.
So, welcome to the real start of the Unsportsmanlike League season! The bye weeks are here. Let’s see how well you manage your limited rosters. Because you don’t have 15 players to choose from anymore.
And like the Rob Ryan and the Dallas Cowboys defense, it won’t do you any good if we give you an extra player.
On the other side of Texas, there’s a ranked college football team that takes a lot of pride in a tradition called “The Twelfth Man”. As the tradition goes, the Texas A&M fans consider themselves like a Twelfth Man on the field to help their Aggies at home.
By the way, the Aggies and the Twelfth Man have been outscored 59-12 in the second half of its last two football games.
You don’t need an extra man. You wouldn’t know what to do with him anyway.
(Oct. 4, 2011)