Let me say something most people are too afraid to say out loud.
“127 HOURS” was kind of boring. “127 HOURS” was kind of over-rated. “127 HOURS” was a 127 minute nap with my eyes wide open…that I paid money for.
People are afraid to admit something like that. Nobody wants to admit that they get taken in by hype.
But I’m not afraid to admit that I didn’t like “127 HOURS”. And maybe now I can admit out loud–I don’t like my fantasy football team.
After six weeks, I have two wins and four losses. I’m stuck near the bottom of the canyon. I may need to chop off my arm to escape my poor decision to draft injury-plagued TE Antonio Gates too early (even before my true top-rated TE Jermichael Finley—who I also later drafted). My cries for help (10 roster moves thus far) have fallen on deaf ears. There’s no search and rescue team coming to my aid. If I get too desperate, I may do something really crazy like pick-up an old washed-up former Trojan / former Bengal QB.
But BARDSDALE BRAWLERS probably made a waiver claim for Carson Palmer already anyway.
Week #6 was my own private “127 HOURS”.
My own helpless agony as I’m now pinned underneath the weight of six other fantasy teams. I refer to this past weekend as “39 HOURS”. (Hey, for you liberal arts majors, that’s 13 NFL games multiplied by an average of 3 hours long.)
Here’s the plot to my “39 HOURS” non-starring my A-list star RB Arian Foster (10.10 points), least supporting actors TE Jermichael Finley (2.00 points), RB Darren Sproles (6.20 points), and the Minnesota defense (-1.00 points). The plot in “39 HOURS” is very derivative of my Week #2 and Week #5 results. FLAMING BAG OF POO has made some really lousy casting choices lately.
Compared to me, FUNCTIONING DERELICTS was like an Owen Wilson movie; he looks like a winner only when you compare him to brother Luke Wilson’s recent movie career. Not needing to be great. FUNCTIONING DERELICTS just had to be half-decent enough.
It’s always a painful irony when your best performance comes at the expense of your favorite NFL team, right DERELICTS? 26.70 points by suddenly alive-and-kicking RB Michael Turner against your hometown Carolina Panthers! Ouch. Puts you one step closer to the more painful decision of choosing between Cam Newton and Andrew Luck. Consider yourself lucky that the Dolphins will save you from chopping off Cam’s right arm.
And suddenly, FUNCTIONING DERELICTS has one of the top winning streaks this side of CHENGRI-LA!
Thanks to the DRUNKEN IRISHMEN, the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins could pop open the champagne and toast their unblemished record—for CHENGRI-LA no longer lives in Perfectville anymore!
In the narrowest win of the week (by 5.34 points), DRUNKEN IRISHMEN resisted making his first free agent pick-up, and still managed a win while his Patriot-heavy roster put up mediocre numbers. WR Wes Welker has been pound-for-pound the fantasy league heavyweight, but he only scored 10.50 points this week. Everyone wishes they could play you next week when the Patriots have a bye-week! I dare you not to make any pick-ups this week! I double dare you!
CHENGRI-LA had to be feeling pretty good going into NBC’s FOOTBALL NAP IN AMERICA with the Bears playing the Vikings. Zzzzzzzzzzz. CHENGRI-LA had a 12 point lead on DRUNKEN IRISHMEN…until Devin Hester’s kickoff return. Obviously, Hester didn’t get injured soon enough to keep your undefeated record intact. I can’t ridicule you for any roster moves this week, but you’ll certainly be battling against all odds to pull out a win with your eligibles next week. Is this the week when Peyton Hillis plays like a 2010 flashback? Or does 2011 Peyton Hillis sit out because of the hiccups?
MONEYBALLER will be another dude sweating it out about severing an important limb for Week #7. For Week #6, however, MONEYBALLER’s good arms and good legs put up some quality double-digit numbers this week over BARDSDALE BRAWLERS. The rest of the Unsportsmanlike League would question why you benched WR Marques Colston (17.80 points) against a Buccaneers defense that gave up 48 points last week to QB Alex Smith!?!? To your credit, you have some great, healthy receivers. Fortunately for you as well, RB Frank Gore is coming alive—and imagine how well he’d do if he hit anywhere near as violently as one of 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh’s handshakes? Finally, you got some nice production from RB Cedric Benson before he heads back to jail, to suspension or to Cincinnati (but aren’t they all one and the same?)
BARDSDALE BRAWLERS, I’m beginning to theorize that there must be an inverse relationship between number of roster moves and number of league wins. I’m feeling your pain; but apparently, opposing defenses are not. Which is more painful to you: losing Raiders QB Jason Campbell, or now having to hope that a former USC Trojan has to loosen up defenses so they aren’t stacking the box with 10 men to stop RB Darren McFadden? Your running backs continue to carry you this season, but even they are bound to fumble. Hopefully that will be when FLAMING BAG OF POO and BARDSDALE BRAWLERS have their rematch. Let’s agree that the loser of that rematch gets the 2012 fantasy league draft rights to QB Andrew Luck. But if Luck unluckily goes to the Dolphins, then I’ll be happy to gift wrap him to you. Because the only running game these days in Miami is WR Brandon Marshall’s mouth during practice.
Oh, by the way, BARDSDALE BRAWLERS, thank you for the early Christmas gift in WR Brandon Lloyd! I’ve never been a firm believer in Lloyd…which will make it all the more special when he produces for me this week as my starter. It’ll be like when I picked up Darren McFadden last year after you dropped him. Remember how that turned out?
TEUFLE HUNDEN wins this week’s award for the unlucky match-up against BLINDSIDE TAYLORS. It was like WR Brandon Marshall facing off against CB Darrell Revis. It was over before it even started. Still, it’s hard to believe that Marshall put up 10.90 fantasy points. It seemed like every time that I was awake long enough to see the ball thrown to Marshall, he looked like he was playing dodgeball. Lions coach Jim Schwartz was hand-checked more often than Marshall was, yet Marshall couldn’t make plays. Your real stud this week was K David Akers who is also quite the stud with the ladies (seriously, true story). Maybe Akers ain’t quite the stud that you are, but I’m not sure you could have kicked 13.00 fantasy points against the Lions.
Guys, BLINDSIDE TAYLORS actually thinks we’ve been way too soft on her. Yup, BLINDSIDE TAYLORS, that’s the reason why you’re now 56 points up on the next place DRUNK in the season point total…because we’ve been too soft on you. It sucks for us that you get to cheer RB Ahmad Bradshaw’s 31.00 points on what is already your favorite New York Giants team. At least we’re making you nervous enough that you felt compelled to make your first two pick-ups (WR Hines Ward and K Matt Bryant).
The Yahoo Sports statute of limitations allows me to crack a joke still about BLINDSIDE TAYLORS’ loss last week because of an overlooked bye-week kicker. So here it is: “Your bye-week kicker is so fat…I mean, your bye-week kicker is so old…I mean your bye-week kicker and my mother…”
Damn it!!! Right now, FLAMING BAG OF POO is not even as clutch as K Josh Brown from the 0-5 Rams team!
Let’s see how sexy you look without the un-sexy NFC East this week among your starters, BLINDSIDE!
Hey, guys, to add insult to injury, BLINDSIDE TAYLORS had the rest of us beat this week well before her Jets defense hung 23.00 points on the Dolphins in the Monday Night Football game. Really? Really? (Did I not mention already that my Vikings defense put down negative one?)
If you’re man enough, you’d try playing WR Sidney Rice, and then try to hold that Aaron Rodgers-like lead.
Hellllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooo! I’m down here!
Based on season point totals, I’m down there in the canyon with Aron Ralston. (I refuse to give any publicity to the soap opera actor who played him in the movie…especially after being typecast as “Stoner Oscars Host”.)
I’m stuck in a rock and a hard place. Is it time to cut my losses and separate myself from TE Antonio Gates and his bad foot? Do I go back to QB Philip Rivers, or do I keep benching him while he finally starts hitting Gates with TD passes? And why am I carrying so many WRs that nobody else wants?
That only makes me really dangerous……to myself.
I’ve now spent so much time typing up this week’s FLAMING BAG OF POO post that I’ve now watched Clipper Blake Griffin’s “BS Report” interview with ESPN’s Bill Simmons now twice. Dare I say this out loud: Blake Griffin sounds like a real bore. He’s sounds so bored and so boring that he makes me want to invite Kobe Bryant over to my place to play Scrabble and eat Chinese food. That’s how boring Griffin sounds.
Don’t believe me?