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The Atheist’s Guide to Fantasy Football Picks

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
…the courage to change the things I can,
…and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Tebow only prays to look good on the field...

It may only seem that way, but those words weren’t part of Tim Tebow’s pre-game prayer.

Or part of his post-game prayer.

Or part of his halftime prayer.

Or part of every prayer Tebow uttered during every huddle going against those heathens—the Miami Dolphins.

Nope, those words are about anyone who has thrived from C-H-A-N-G-E.

This is normally the point in the NFL season when coaches went with a change. Sometimes to replace injured starters. Sometimes to salvage a season on the brink.

In Week #7 alone, six different NFL teams went with seven different quarterbacks making their NFL season debut. The list included:

Tim Tebow (Denver Broncos)
A.J. Feeley (St. Louis Rams)
Christian Ponder (Minnesota Vikings)
John Beck (Washington Redskins)
Charlie Whitehurst (Seattle Seahawks)
Kyle Boller (Oakland Raiders)
Carson Palmer (Oakland Raiders)

Guess how many of them tasted victory?

One. And only one.

And six losers. (That doesn’t even take into account the -0.80 point hit that QB Joe Flacco took for foolishly catching his own batted down pass and lumbering for an 8-yard loss. Someone forgot to remind Flacco that he’s no Michael Vick, and he should have let the ball drop.)

32 NFL teams, 32 NFL head coaches, and there’s only one team willing to take a chance on QB Tim Tebow—primarily out of pure desperation and local fan pressure. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

And that makes me wonder, just how desperate have my teams in our Unsportsmanlike League been over the past two weeks of byes, injuries, and a scarcity of quality talent on the free agent list?

So, Flaming Bag of Poo did a little analysis of Week #6 and Week #7.

Fact: Seven of the eight teams in our fantasy league made twenty-two total pick-ups the past two weeks. TEUFLE HUNDEN may have wanted to make a move before his Week #5 loss; Unsportsmanlike conspiracy theorists think that TEUFLE HUNDEN just overlooked his two WRs starting on byes that week—although he claims he didn’t want to risk losing anyone important.

Let’s take a closer look at the Week #6 fantasy points from the pick-ups actually played that week:

16.0 = Cincinnati (CHENGRI-LA lost)
9.50 = James Jones (BARDSDALE BRAWLERS lost)
8.20 = Darrius Hayward-Bey (FLAMING BAG OF POO lost)
7.00 = Matt Bryant (BLIND SIDE TAYLORS won)
3.20 = Pierre Garcon (BARDSDALE BRAWLERS lost)
2.00 = Buffalo (FUNCTIONING DERELICTS won)
-1.00 = Minnesota (FLAMING BAG OF POO lost)

That doesn’t include count the pick-ups that didn’t even start that week: Ryan Torain (2.20), Hines Ward (4.70), and Ben Roethlisberger)

Now let’s take a closer look at the Week #7 fantasy points from the pick-ups actually played that week:

12.00 = Dan Bailey (MONEYBALLER lost)
9.00 = Dallas (FLAMING BAG OF POO won)
7.40 = Brandon Lloyd (FLAMING BAG OF POO won)
6.00 = Robbie Gould (DRUNKEN IRISHMEN lost)
5.60 = Willis McGahee (MONEYBALLER lost)
5.00 = Oakland (CHENGRI-LA won)
3.10 = Greg Little (CHENGRI-LA won)
3.00 = Nick Novak (BLIND SIDE TAYLORS lost)
2.60 = Robert Meachem (DRUNKEN IRISHMEN lost)
1.10 = Ernest Graham (BLIND SIDE TAYLORS lost)
1.00 = Nate Washington (DRUNKEN IRISHMEN lost)

Did you pick the wrong guy? It could be worse. You could have made that mistake in Game 5 of the World Series. Yes, because on a bullpen phone, the names “Motte” and “Lynn” sound incredibly alike. Right?


Instead of a bullpen phone, maybe the St. Louis Cardinals should have used a Verizon Wireless phone to call up some relief!!!

From the Week #6 pick-ups, the big winner may have been FUNCTIONING DERELICTS scoring 26.24 points out of Roethlisberger in Week #8. Meanwhile, BLINDSIDE TAYLORS inexplicably dropped Matt Bryant (13.00 points this week) in order to pick up the equally anonymous kicker Nick Novak (3.0 points this week).

As QB Joe Flacco learned: just because the ball is flying in front of your face, it doesn’t mean that the smart play is to grab it.

The same could be said about free agent pick-ups. Just because the players are right in front of your face, it doesn’t mean you should grab them!!! (It could result in a loss.)

The main take-away from this analysis shows that very few teams really thrived on these pick-ups. In fact, the smartest pick-up the past few week’s may have been MONEYBALLER picking up Tebow in Week #5 before the Broncos’ bye week—although Tebow’s 22.94 fantasy points couldn’t lift MONEYBALLER to victory over yours truly.

Yes, FLAMING BAG OF POO was this week’s upset special…racking up 134.02 points to win the week pulling away. In my award speech, I’d like to thank the Ravens & Jaguars for perhaps the most boring and pathetic display on MNF that we’ll hopefully see this season. Even I thought the Ravens defense could put up 30 fantasy points on Blaine Gabbert.

In perhaps the greatest mid-season addition, FLAMING BAG OF POO re-introduced the Houston rocket they call Arian Foster (41.40 points) when healthy. And healthy now, he is! And it was great to spot teeny tiny Darren Sproles get a monster piece (22.70) of that 62-point action that the Saints laid onto the Colts. All of that made up for a rather dismal showing by Matthew Stafford; the one saving grace is that my opponent had Megatron, and so Stafford was like attaching cement cleats to Megatron.

See you, me and Julio (Jones) down by the schoolyard!

And to think, guys and gals, FLAMING BAG OF POO is regaining Antonio Gates. Imagine the fear that Julio Jones will play in your hearts when he’s also healthy again!

Does MONEYBALLER have the guts to play Tebow once more this season? Because I think opposing defense will have figured out how to solve that Brady kid.

MONEYBALLER put up respectable numbers against a doomed match-up this week. It’s surprising Colston only put up 21.80 points in the Saints rout. You started absolutely everyone you had eligible, so I guess there’s no second-guessing your starting choices. With perhaps the most disappointing non-injured first round pick, you can’t be too happy with RB Chris Johnson (4.50 points). Can you really afford to cling to past history at 3-4? Maybe you can move Tebow to running back.

At this point, other teams will begin cheerleading for CHENGRI-LA. With two full games up on the bottleneck at second place, the rest of the league may just hope you destroy the rest of the competition, and let the rest of us battle for the three remaining playoff spots. This week’s fourth highest point total still gave you nearly a 21 point win on once invincible BLIND SIDE TAYLORS.

Normally, QB Matt Schaub, WR Greg Jennings, and TE Jimmy Graham have helped lead the way to victory each week. Luckily for you, they got some extra help from K Mason Crosby’s 18.00 points, because the rest of your starters did very (Greg) Little. Against the Monday night competition, RB Ray Rice did about as poorly as the CW Network’s “Hart of Dixie”

…starring Rachel Bilson (the poor man’s Mila Kunis…who was rumored to have dated Packers QB Aaron Rodgers).

Aaron Rodgers hooks up with Mila Kunis down the middle...

BLIND SIDE TAYLORS can feel reassured knowing she didn’t start the absolute worst RB tandem of the week. RB DeAngelo Williams (3.50) and the healthy RB-formerly-known-as-Ernest Graham (1.10) sure makes you appreciate RB McCoy and RB Bradshaw. If you had pulled out a victory with both star RBs idle, I would have anointed a Yankee-like bronze bust of you. Instead, now suddenly at 4-3, you’re one of us again. At some point, QB Aaron Rodgers isn’t going to put up 26.20 points; although during his bye week, he’s probably still capable of 12.00 points. I think your biggest mistake was not starting WR Sidney Rice (3.80 points) over WR Reggie Wayne (3.60 points). Very, very amateur decision, my friend!

On a medical side note: all kidding aside, I don’t even like to joke about torn/ruptured Achilles tendons…having suffered through that myself. It’s a shame that happened to Ernest Graham on Sunday. Earlier this season, it also claimed the season for Lions RB Mike Leshoure, Panthers MLB Jon Beason, and Bills LB Shawne Merriman, among others. There is no amount of stretching, warm-ups, or even yoga that can prevent an Achilles tear. (DRUNKEN IRISHMEN can also attest to this.)
In the only close match-up of the week (next to the Ravens-Jaguars, that is), TEUFLE HUNDEN edged BARDSDALE BRAWLERS by 1.16 points. This match-up was so bad, that it was blacked-out in both their homes. Only here can you find futile synonymous with suspenseful.

Forget for a second TEUFEL HUNDEN’s 61.20 point total. Instead, focus on this number: QB Drew Brees accounted for 54% of your Week #7 total. That’s what it took to prove that you made a brilliant decision in benching the Big Smile…QB Cam Newton (26.14 points). The rest of your starters barely made it out of the locker room. Only K David Akers had a good excuse, and since I heard he was sitting on some bar stool in the San Francisco Marina district catching the game with a bunch of babes, I’d give him extra style points. I also heard that every football junkie in that bar kept wondering, “Who the heck is Mike Thomas?

Doppelgangers: Isn't this Jacksonville Jaguars WR Mike Thomas?

Isn’t he the head guy in all those Wendy’s commercials?”

I think the rest of the league should sign a petition that forces BARDSDALE BRAWLERS to refrain from any free agent or waiver pick-ups for one whole week. I think that’s the only thing that might produce a win again for BARDSDALE BRAWLERS. Fantasy players must dread getting picked up by the BRAWLERS the same way that real players dread getting picked up by the St. Louis Rams. (Yes, FLAMING BAG OF POO picked up Rams’ WR Brandon Lloyd, who scored a decent 7.40 points after the BRAWLERS let him go at the onset of Tebow-gate.)

Of course, considering that next week’s match-up will be the BRAWLERS and the POO, it may take me an extra week or two to circulate that petition to the rest of the Unsportsmanlike League. In the meantime, for next week, I would welcome the threat of your dynamic duo featuring RB Darren McFadden (0.70) and RB Ryan Torain (-0.50). You swap RB Tim Hightower for RB Torain…watch Hightower get more points than Torain…and then see Hightower get injured at the end of the game.

You’re like that little Hawaiian Tiki idol that Bobby Brady found on the famous Hawaii episode of the BRADY BUNCH…

Brady Bunch Hawaiian Tiki Idol - beware to anyone who wears it!

…because every player you touch is doomed!!! (Hey, anyone even seen Jamaal Charles anymore?)

One trend that we noticed during Week #7 was teams starting players on their bye-weeks instead of making regrettable pick-ups. Bye week K David Akers and injured K Sebastian Janikowski both sat, and TEUFLE HUNDEN and FUNCTIONING DERELICTS still managed to win. That might prove to be a wise trend. Frankly, I’d prefer to see them test that theory further by starting idle QBs.

There’s a very fine line between “confidence” and “oblivion”.

Cupcakes to die for!

Take it from jailbird/actress Lindsay Lohan: you can’t have your (cup)cake, and eat it, too…at least not at the city morgue.

Don’t make impetuous choices like Lindsay Lohan. Or you’ll end up bottoming out…like BARDSDALE BRAWLERS is doing at 1-6.

Perhaps you should just ask yourself, “What would Tebow do?”

"What would Tebow do?"

Tebow would just figure out a way to win…no matter what!!!

(10/26/11)

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About Flaming Bag of Poo

An un-safe place where sports, entertainment, and pop culture converge. Flaming Bag of Poo...A rather unique blog. Because sometimes you're on fire. (But most of the time, you just plain stink!) ------ Creator of the blogs FLAMING BAG OF POO and I SELL UNICORNS.

One response to “The Atheist’s Guide to Fantasy Football Picks

  1. Gil ⋅

    The sad thing is, I was acutely aware of my poor transaction choices and decided to not to make any last week. And the reason I lost is because I didn’t make the one transaction I wanted to. Because any other transaction in the world would have been better than the -.50 points for that slot.

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