I have never been a fan of karaoke.
I’m even less of a fan of fans of karaoke.
I am so old that I remember when karaoke was nothing more than simply singing half-perfect song lyrics using a hair brush, or a stapler, as your microphone. Like RISKY BUSINESS Tom Cruise in his underwear.
That was so long ago, it was back when Tom Cruise was actually considered cool.
Nobody cared if you were horribly off with the lyrics. Our standards were so much lower back then. Lyrical ignorance was bliss.
Now, whenever I’m dragged, coerced, or guilted into going to a karaoke bar, I’m astonished by these delusional songbirds who don’t know a single soul in the entire bar.But they grab the microphone–sometimes cold sober—and belt out “Don’t Stop Believing” or “Heartbreaker” with all the charisma of Patriots Coach Bill Belichick.
It’s OK to be bad when you know you’re bad. It’s sad to be bad when you think you’re awesome. I’m never awesome, so I avoid the risk of looking bad.
But not in fantasy football!!!
During our Unsportsmanlike League Fantasy Draft nearly ten weeks ago, I proudly announced my sixth round pick: rookie WR Julio Jones of the Atlanta Falcons. I may as well have sung the name “Julio Jones” with a hair brush or stapler. I was so giddy to grab Julio Jones.
I was ceremoniously ridiculed by my very good friends. Had I picked a kicker, they would not have laughed nearly as hard as when I picked Julio Jones.
“Julio” has been my fantasy football karaoke song. And thanks to Week #9, I finally get to sing…
Well I’m on my way
I don’t know where I’m going
I’m on my way I’m taking my time
But I don’t know where
Goodbye to Rosie the queen of Corona
Seeing me and Julio
Down by the schoolyard
With Julio singing lead, and me providing the harmony, FLAMING BAG OF POO’S new stud WR Julio Jones parlayed three catches into 2 touchdowns and 28.40 fantasy points. My roster managed to stay afloat despite early season benching because of hamstring injuries to WR Julio Jones and RB Arian Foster, quad injuries for WR Dez Bryant and RB Steven Jackson, and the usual foot injuries for TE Antonio Gates. Now that they’ve all returned healthy! Those five players alone were good for 84.80 fantasy points. Add the 28.30 points from everyone’s favorite punching bag, QB Philip Rivers, and FLAMING BAG OF POO held on for top scorer this week. Heck, I’m feeling so confident right now, I’m carrying two kickers (Janikowski and Hanson).
TEUFLE HUNDEN was Garfunkel to FLAMING BAG OF POO’s Simon. As in second fiddle. Even with a healthier roster, TEUFLE HUNDEN wasn’t going to beat FLAMING BAG OF POO. Yes, it was scary to see WR Brandon Marshall finally return to 2009 form with his 16.60 points. And solid numbers from K Akrers (16.00) and D Packers (16.00). Thank goodness that Charger OL tackled DB Peprah before giving up a third pick-six, because that’s the only way you get 16.00 fantasy points from your Packers Defense giving up 38 actual points to the Chargers! But in the end, an injury-filled TEUFLE HUNDEN roster suffered two more injuries that ended WR Miles Austin and TE Dallas Clark’s Sundays prematurely. I’m guessing that Miles Austin left early because he heard Kim Kardashian was single again. .Two games out of the playoff hunt, TEUFLE HUNDEN needs to make a few roster moves…soon.
I really thought BLIND SIDE TAYLORS would overtake FLAMING BAG OF POO for the Week #9 high point total. Going into the Monday night Bears-Eagles matchup, it seemed likely that BLIND SIDE TAYLORS would sprint by like a LeSean McCoy sprint-draw. In fact, several of my opponents had major players in that game. QB Michael Vick, WR DeSean Jackson, WR Jeremy Maclin, RB LeSean McCoy, and RB Matt Forte. Hence my GLEE while players like RB Ronnie Brown, RB Marion Barber, TE Matt Spaeth, and WR Earl Bennett scored the touchdowns. McCoy’s second touchdown never came.
Still, in what is getting to sound like the same old song each week, BLIND SIDE TAYLORS got big numbers from QB Aaron Rodgers, WR MikeWallace, and insert the name of (any New York defense) here. But the encore was provided by a rare start from WR Jordy Nelson (16.50) and recent pick-ups RB Mike Tolbert (20.20) and K Billy Cundiff (14.00). When BLIND SIDE can score a win and this many points without playing beloved, but injured, Giants WR Hakeem Nicks and RB Ahmad Bradshaw, the rest of the league is in trouble. BLIND SIDE is the first to break the 1,000 point mark this season.
MONEYBALLER just never really threatened BLIND SIDE TAYLOR’s inevitable victory. QB Tim Tebow and RB Willis McGahee combined for an impressive 53.06 points…from the bench. But don’t beat yourself up; even if you had played the two Broncos, you still would not have caught BLIND SIDE TAYLORS. It’s worth noting that MONEYBALLER was only the second fantasy owner to bench his/her #1 draft pick on a non-injury or non-bye week. (TEUFLE HUNDEN picked up QB Cam Newton in Week #2 and played him that week to great success). You went with RB Cedric Benson (7,80) over RB Chris Johnson (11.00). I say, “Keep going with those fine instincts!”
I’ve probably tortured BARDSDALE BRAWLERS long enough. He’s been waiting to read this line: “BARDSDALE BRAWLERS pulls off an impressive win”. Your second win. It is about as meaningful as the Dolphins notching their first win this week. At one point, it looked like you might win the entire week…only because most of us had the bulk of our players in the afternoon games, while most of yours played in the earlier games. I admit, I was already planning how I would mock you for picking up TE Jake Ballard (after picking up TE Heath Miller earlier in the week). But Ballard made you look very wise. You would have looked Obi Wan Kenobi wise if you had also played recent pick-up RB Brandon Jacobs (16.00), too. RB Michael Bush wasn’t too shabby with his 18.90 points, but you put a lot of faith in RB Fred Jackson against the stingy Jets defense. Even Tony Romo managed to succeed in spite of the Cowboys’ play-calling. If you actually had receivers, you might have a third win. Still, I was really pulling for you to beat DRUNKEN IRISHMEN.
But DRUNKEN IRISHMEN may have beaten himself with his running back situation. Kids, this is what happens when you don’t pay enough attention to the bye weeks during your draft!!! With RB Peterson and an injured RB Best on their bye weeks, DRUNKEN IRISHMEN was left with an injured RB Matthews and the struggling law firm of RB BenJarvus Green-Ellis. As the Patriots go, so do the IRISHMEN (46.30 pts from four of your Patriots). WR DeSean Jackson must have realized that there was no way the DRUNKEN IRISHMEN could catch BARDSDALE BRAWLERS, so that would explain his paltry 0.60 point performance on Monday night. Better hope that Jackson decided to save himself for next week. Because you’ll need it when you play against FLAMING BAG OF POO.
The most interesting match-up pitted our top two teams going into Week #9…CHENGRI-LA against the surging FUNCTIONING DERELICTS riding a five-game win streak. Going into the Monday night Bears-Eagles game, it seemed unlikely that CHENGRI-LA’s roughly 30 point lead would hold up against QB Vick and RB Forte. The rest of us at 4-4 were hoping that FUNCTIONING DERELICTS would be sent back to the pack. But Vick (10.92) was off his game. And Forte (11.00) was off his game. And surprisingly, they were both out-of-sync in the same game. It’s like the day that you discovered that Milli Vanilli was no better than two guys lip singing with a hair brush and stapler in hand.
FUNCTIONING DERELICTS could have used the points he left on the bench in the form of RB DeMarco Murray (18.60) and WR Torrey Smith (13.10). Any one of those starting could have earned you the sixth win in a row, and sole possession of second place. But now, you’re just like the rest of us! This week proved that you have no duds. But do you really have any studs?
CHENGRI-LA can pretty much coast into the playoffs at this point—now with a three-game lead over second place. But you were so lucky to beat FUNCTIONING DERELICTS. If you had lost, you need not look any further than your defense choices. You signed the Buffalo Bills earlier in the week, and then you noticeably had sudden Buyers Remorse, and dumped the Bills in favor of the Chiefs defense. The same Chiefs defense (-1.0 points) that lost to the Dolphins. You’ve been rolling the dice on different defensive match-ups each week; it’s going to catch up to you.
Going into Week #10, at 5-4 and sitting in a three-way tie for second place, I’m feeling pretty good—despite the fact that my point differential means that I will lose all tie-breakers to make the playoffs.
Leading up to Week #9, interestingly enough, fourteen pick ups were made this past week by five different Unsportsmanlike League fantasy teams.
Mike Tolbert 20.20
Michael Bush 18.90
Brandon Jacobs (16.00)
Jake Ballard 12.70
Mason Crosby 10.00
Tony Gonzales 9.60
Sebastian Janikowski 7.00
Kansas City -1.00
Four of those teams won.
If Week #1 began today, and you could have anyone’s roster (top to bottom), would you keep your own?
Or would you take mine?
FLAMING BAG OF POO apologizes to its loyal readers this week. All my witty remarks and sexy pop culture references were sucked out of me while listening to all the unfortunate reports coming out of Penn State over the past 24 hours. Ever notice how sports tragedies have a bigger impact on the American public these days than political tragedies?
To quote the popular Don McLean ballad, today was the day…when the music…died.