Everyone knows the familiar expression about “minding your P’s and Q’s”.
But fantasy football players sometimes forget to mind their O’s, in addition to their P’s and Q’s.
C’mon, you should know what I’m talking about when I say, “the Big O”.
No, I don’t mean “the Big O” as in Oprah Winfrey!
No, I don’t mean “the Big O” as in the Japanese Anime Series.
No, guys, I don’t mean “the Big O” as in female orgasms.
(But for female fantasy football owner, you might want to read these helpful tips.)
“The Big O”: How to have them, how to give them, how to keep them.
Because only in tight fantasy circles, you might see guys faking “the Big O” while seeing women avoid “the Big O”.
After 10 weeks of NFL matchups, the foreplay is long gone. Do your men have the stamina to last? Why do you keep a spot reserved on your bench for a guy who has been essentially limp for weeks.
It’s not too surprising to see so many P’s and Q’s beside your players’ names. NFL coaches like to keep opposing teams guessing. And as a fantasy football owner, you like to keep your matchup opponent guessing on whether you really plan on starting QB Tim Tebow over QB Tom Brady—just to screw with his or her head.
I took a glance at the current roster in our Unsportsmanlike League, and I notice a lot of “the Big O’s” strangely taking up valuable roster spaces.
Andre Johnson – 6 straight weeks
Felix Jones – 4 straight weeks
Santana Moss – 3 straight weeks
Jahvid Best – three straight weeks
Darren McFadden – 2 straight weeks
Ahmad Bradshaw – 2 straight weeks
Dallas Clark – 2 straight weeks
Miles Austin – several weeks this season
Joseph Addai – several weeks season
Peyton Hillis – 4 games, but it feels like the whole season
DRUNKEN IRISHMEN even held onto no-neck Peyton Manning until October 21st (before picking up QB Alex Smith, so you can see the Irishmen are still spiking their own drinks).
My question is, “WHY?”
Is this blind faith? Or is it just plain blind?
You cannot…you should not…be a clinger.
Yes, I admit that earlier this season, I lost Arian Foster, Julio Jones, Steven Jackson, Antonio Gates, and Dez Bryant to key injuries. And I never dropped them from my roster the way that I did with RB Daniel Thomas who will always be there for the taking again whenever he’s healthy enough.
But at this crucial stage of the season, why are my opponents holding roster spots for players that are O-U-T???
BARDSDALE BRAWLERS kept Andre Johnson this whole time so that he can come back this upcoming week at less than 100% and have QB Matt Leinart throw him wobbly 5-yard passes?!?!
I haven’t seen more embarrassing clingers since Demi Moore posted all those semi-naked pictures of herself for Ashton Kutcher to find on Twitter.
EHarmony may not do a great job at screening out clingers.
But Yahoo Sports Fantasy Football should screen out these clingers who refuse to give up on these “Big O’s”!
Losers = Clingers
Don’t believe me? Check out the bottom spots in our current Unsportsmanlike League standings.
Hello, TEUFLE HUNDEN! Can you hear us down there? Make a noise or something so that we know you’re still alive.
Who suffered the most devastating loss in Week 10 of our Unsportsmanlike League?
The nominees are…
* Yours truly, FLAMING BAG OF POO, racks up 114.56 fantasy points on the arm of some very suspect quarterback play…only to run into the season high total of DRUNKEN IRISHMEN’s 144.24 points. This on the benched ass of Eagles ass WR DeSean Jackson (0.00) for missing a team meeting on Saturday. And I still get crushed.
* BARDSDALE BRAWLERS completes the season sweep over BLIND SIDE TAYLORS 106.70-90.90. It almost appeared as though QB Aaron Rodgers and WR Jordy Nelson might lead a memorable MNF fantasy league comeback–until the Packers brought in QB Matt Flynn to run for a fourth quarter touchdown. Say “cheese”!
* MONEYBALLER starts a M*A*S*H unit featuring RB Frank Gore, RB Willis McGahee, and WR Jeremy Maclin who all get injured during their games. On a week when the unstoppable CHENGRI-LA proved to be very beatable.
* FUNCTIONING DERELICTS actually annihilates TEUFLE HUNDEN…by 1.24 points…all because TEUFLE HUNDEN didn’t remove two injured Cowboys out of his starting line-up. The commissioner should really place an asterisk beside FUNCTIONING DERELICT’s win.
So who should feel most devastated?
I’m still in shock that the Bears defense intercepted 36.00 fantasy points that should normally have gone to Stafford and Megatron. I really picked the wrong weekend to play DRUNKEN IRISHMEN. Who ever knew that the best way to contain All-Pro WR Larry Fitzgerald was to trade for QB Kevin Kolb so that he could throw him the ball?!?! Now, with QB John Skelton taking the helm of the Cardinals offense, Fitzgerald came alive for 26.60 points. Meanwhile, it is still “ski” season in New England, with TE Ron Gronkowski (23.30) and K Stephen Gostkowski (15.00). Not to be overshadowed, QB Matt Ryan put up the quietest 21.94 points you’ll never hear.
Heck, my hopes of still making my fantasy playoffs came to a fiery end the moment that I heard the words, “Matt Leinart will start the next game for the Houston Texans in place of Matt Schaub is out for the season with some foot injury that I cannot pronounce.” Even if Arian Foster runs 40 times the Sunday after the bye week, I was counting on the 100 yards in receptions that he had been getting. Matt Leinart lacks the arm strength to hand off the ball!!! (And yet, that same arm lifts many a beer bottle. Go figure.)
This was probably the last time that I’ll see Arian Foster put up 30.60 points. And after Julio Jones limped off with his second different hamstring injury this season, I’m now in search of a viable WR among the garbage heap. Can I still afford the luxury of two kickers and Houston Texan back-up Ben Tate? FLAMING BAG OF POO was built for the playoffs. But right now, I’m sitting one spot outside the playoffs.
Imagine this: If BARDSDALE BRAWLERS played BLIND SIDE TAYLORS every game this season, he would probably have a winning record similar to CHENGRI-LA. And BLIND SIDE TAYLORS would probably have a record similar to…the actual 3-7 BARDSDALE BRAWLERS. Don’t look now, sports fans, but BARDSDALE has a two-game winning streak! (He may need a six-game winning streak to make the playoffs.) Has anyone calculated the magic number yet for BARDSDALE BRAWLERS? But at least you crawled out from the bottom of the well. TEUFLE HUNDEN must now send Lassie to go get help.
BARDSDALE benefitted from the Michael Bush-whacking (30.20) on the Charger defense, and then he managed to hang on. Somehow he still managed 4.00 points on a Detroit defense whose team played like past year’s Lions instead of this year’s Lions. (I am so glad now that I played stupid QB Rivers over my other stupid QB Stafford.) Beyond QB Romo (22.80) and K John Kasay (18.00), the rest of your smart roster moves failed to produce. You won in light of yourself. Maybe that’s a new strategy you should follow.
Take away the usual monster (46.30) game from QB Aaron Rodgers to WR Jordy Nelson and the usual effort by LeSean McCoy (15.30), BLIND SIDE TAYLORS performed like it was a bye-week. (To her credit, BLIND SIDE hosts an awesome Sunday league viewing party, but Yahoo scoring doesn’t give points for keeping plentiful tater tots and salsa in your kitchen. If I could, I would.) I especially enjoyed your company as your benched wide receivers (that we watched on your nice TV) outscored you’re your other two actual starting receivers. If your team under-performed every week that you hosted us, then I would gladly park myself on your couch. December 4th, you say?!?!
OK, kids, let’s try a little Sesame Street math. Start with two injured RBs who total 2.50 points. Subtract from that a number one pick in RB Chris Johnson (who actually scored 23.40 fantasy points on your bench). And what does that equal?
Answer: a dismal future!
Maybe MONEYBALLER has the bench to withstand those key injuries, but sitting now in sixth place, you don’t have much time left to make a move. You thought you had a shot at the season point total, but after your 65.56 point week, that’s also in serious doubt. Beyond the injuries…which don’t look season-ending, at least…the only thing worth mentioning about your Week 10 is simply “Brady”.
With a three-game lead on second place, CHENGRI-LA is way too comfortable at 9-1. He can afford to sample new defenses each week with little or no risk. You’ve proven that the least flashy roster wins you games. But in the playoffs, do you really have the consistency to choose your winning players? Who do you have faith in? At least the rest of us will be battle-tested if we reach the playoffs. Is it really momentum when it all comes so easily to you? (I may actually start calling you, “Matt Leinart”.)
Was anyone else but me still watching the fourth quarter of the MNF game between the Vikings and the second-stringers of the Packers? TEUFLE HUNDEN was actually still competing with RB Starks and the Green Bay defense. Meanwhile, FUNCTIONING DERELICTS clung to narrow margin. On that last Vikings drive, Minnesota passes were tipped about three times, so I was waiting for an interception followed by a couple James Starks carries to run out the clock. Instead, FUNCTIONING DERELICTS survived with a 1.24 point margin.
TEUFLE HUNDEN, why did you keep two obviously sidelined starters (RB Jones and WR Austin)?!?! You could have beaten FUNCTIONING DERELICTS. And if you take DRUNKEN IRISHMEN out of the mix, maybe there’s a chance you finally win the overall week with a couple solid replacements. Drew Brees, Rashard Mendenhall, and David Akers are begging you for help. Leave no man behind, Marine!
Very few current starting rosters have seen as much change since the draft as FUNCTIONING DERELICTS. He’s been lighting it up the past 6-7 weeks with crafty picks like RB DeMarco Murray (23.10) and the Houston defense (16.00). Seriously, last year, is anyone ever choosing the Houston defense? It will now be very interesting to see who you start at QB these remaining weeks. Are you going to cling to Michael Vick as captain of a sinking ship?
If you’re going to cling to anyone in this league, I think it better be a cheerleader.
If there were a fantasy draft on cheerleaders, naturally, a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader would go #1.
Fortunately for Dallas, Bills WR David Nelson didn’t get his hands on too much else—other than his Cowboys Cheerleader girlfriend Kelsi Reich—during this past Sunday’s game.
“We all need cheerleaders more than we need heroes.” (That’s a quote from one of my own movie screenplays!)
I’m going to be cheering for CHENGRI-LA, BARDSDALE BRAWLERS, and TEUFLE HUNDEN to win every week now…as long as they aren’t matched-up against FLAMING BAG OF POO.