Whether you’re late-night cruising Hollywood Blvd for prostitutes–or late-night cruising Yahoo Sports Fantasy Football for free agent pick-ups—it never pays to be too kinky. Because you may end up in an undercover vice squad operation. Or worse yet…you may end up picking up Arizona Cardinals QB John Skelton, and then starting him on your fantasy football team on a week when he scores only 0.96 fantasy points.
Does it sound like I speak from experience?
Hell, no! (But it happened to a “friend” of mine.)
“It seemed like a good move at the time. I was just looking for a little extra action.”
There’s a lesson here when scoping out pros: when turning tricks, remember, they all won’t turn out to be like Julia Roberts!
Julia Roberts got 3,000 from Richard Gere in PRETTY WOMAN.
John Skelton got 0.96 from the San Francisco 49ers defense. And it certainly WASN’T PRETTY.
I recall a conversation that I had with Skelton’s lover (FUNCTIONING DERELICTS). FUNCTIONING DERELICTS tried to sell me on the idea that Skelton had thrown a ton during Week 10 in place of the off-season overly-hyped QB Kevin Kolb. I liken this to a pimp trying to sell you on the idea that the flat-chested Asian hooker with the Adam’s Apple is a pro at BJ’s.
Don’t do it!
(Lesson learned…as FUNCTIONING DERELICTS stopped trying to turn tricks with John Skelton, and picked up Bengals QB Andy Dalton this week instead.)
At this point in the fantasy season, you can’t afford to be too tricky with your roster.
I know this now. Going into Week 11, I probably didn’t remember that I knew this before.
With my rookie crush WR Julio Jones down with another hamstring injury, FLAMING BAG OF POO needed to pick up a replacement WR. It was good that FLAMING BAG OF POO didn’t hold onto WR Darius Heyward-Bey, because the last time that I saw him, the poor guy was being carted off the field from a concussion after being leveled by a Vikings linebacker during a crossing route.
Yahoo Sports Fantasy Football projections favored a good list of 15-20 available wide receivers. But I thought I’d turn a trick on my competition, and so FLAMING BAG OF POO went with Julio Jones’ replacement, WR Harry Douglas. FLAMING BAG OF POO admits to being partially distracted by the Week 10 stats (8 catches, 133 yards in place of the injured Julio). In fact, I even had a moment of pause when I realized that my gut feeling was taking me to the second page of wide receivers on the Week 11 projections.
Harry Douglas rewarded FLAMING BAG OF POO with a hand job! 5.10 fantasy points!
On the plus side, FLAMING BAG OF POO still scored 100.20 fantasy points—which was the second highest point total in our Unsportsmanlike League. Trouble is, for the second week in a row, FLAMING BAG OF POO was matched up against the team with the highest point total!!!
It felt like winning second place in a beauty contest.
Thanks to the deadly, but rare, white man combo of Rodgers-Nelson (not to be confused with CB Rodgers-Cromartie, who has been deadly only to himself), BLIND SIDE TAYLORS took the week and the win with 122.76. That may not seem like a huge win, but when you consider that FLAMING BAG OF POO was the only other team to break 100.00 points, that’s a pretty sizable margin. While BLIND SIDE TAYLORS has been winning with something really boring that I call, “consistency”, she managed to score pretty well with recent pick-ups like RB Reggie Bush (12.60) and TE Tony Gonzales (13.40). That was more than enough to lift the sting from the Jets defense getting Tebowed.
FLAMING BAG OF POO should be able to win on a week when his QB eclipses NFL MVP and FF MVP shoo-in Aaron Rodgers. But QB Matthew Stafford’s 31.60 points in the shoot-out with the Panthers wasn’t enough. It didn’t help that Rodgers continues to ignore my top TE Jermichael Finley (3.00). I give myself a pat on the back for having enough foresight a couple weeks ago to pick-up RB Marshawn Lynch (14.90), knowing that I needed a better back than Jackie Battle when RB Arian Foster had his bye-week. Unfortunately, before even the Sunday night Giants-Eagles game, I had already texted my concession speech to BLIND SIDE TAYLORS.
At this point, I have no choice but to root for both CHENGRI-LA and BLIND SIDE TAYLORS in all future match-ups that don’t involve me because I can’t touch CHENGRI-LA’s wins. And I lose all tie-breakers to BLIND SIDE TAYLORS.
Of course, I keep CHENGRI-LA on a fantasy pedestal on the same week when he loses to our league’s equivalent of the Denver Broncos (horrendous at the start of the season, but now winning with an unorthodox style). BARDSDALE BRAWLERS finally climbed out of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes with a little Luck of his own. Late in the boring Monday night game between Patriots-Chiefs—with CHENGRI-LA still trailing by 2.60 points—TE Aaron Hernandez caught a touchdown pass…only to have it called back because of an illegal shift by the Patriots offense!
For once, CHENGRI-LA was on the losing side of a crucial late-game play. There would be no Kool & The Gang “Celebration”.
Finally, a loss by CHENGRI-LA. You are one of us again.
Not even the stellar performances by RB Ray Rice (26.70), Vincent Jackson (22.50), and Maurice Jones-Drew (17.80) could beat BARDSDALE BRAWLERS. This season, sometimes those three players alone could have beaten the M*A*S*H unit fielded by BARDSDALE BRAWLERS.
Have the rest of you taken a look at BARDSDALE BRAWLERS’ roster (compared to September’s fantasy draft)???
(BLIND SIDE TAYLORS, in particular, likes to make fun of FLAMING BAG OF POO for familiarizing myself with other team’s roster. But I know all my readers scrutinize every roster move of their opponents. So I’m not the odd ball. BST, you are the odd ball…for actually having a life…and not keeping track of the sick reality show that we could call “BARDSDALE BRAWLERS’ WEEKLY FREE AGENT PICK-UPS BEFORE THEY FACE A GRUESOME DEMISE”.)
Nobody has turned over his roster more this season than BARDSDALE BRAWLERS. Sure, he has suffered a devastating injury or two (e.g. Jamaal Charles). Yet among the four players that remain from draft night, he still carries two injured players (WR Andre Johnson, RB Darren McFadden) on top of the just-now-injured RB Fred Jackson. And it could be argued that sometimes it looks like QB Tony Romo is playing with a concussion based on many of his decisions.
For the second week in a row, BARDSDALE BRAWLERS has finally pieced together a roster good enough for a win. And in the process, BARDSDALE BRAWLERS has kept himself on life-support. Solid, but not spectacular performances by Victor Cruz, Carson Palmer, Michael Bush, the San Francisco defense, and Matt Bryant were good enough. Too bad you lost stud Fred Jackson. Considering how cursed you are, you’ll probably lose Romo before the season is over. Nobody has turned tricks better than BARDSDALE BRAWLERS. He’s our version of Julia Roberts in PRETTY WOMAN; he had to turn tricks in order to survive.
With that win—and another TEUFLE HUNDEN loss—we have a new contender in the 2012 Andrew Luck fantasy draft sweepstakes! To say that TEUFLE HUNDEN (70.70 points) didn’t show up for Week 11 would be like saying that John Madden is a little out-of-shape. Like the Carolina Panthers, your QB Cam Newton (28.90) needs more help on his roster if you want to win. Face it, WR Miles Austin (another used jock strap from the Kim Kardashian collection) is never coming back!!! Be like your fellow Floridians, the Miami Dolphins, and find a way to compete each week. You are still mathematically in the playoff race.
DRUNKEN IRISHMEN almost treated Week 11 as a bye-week. After out-drinking FLAMING BAG OF POO like I was some creepy Nazi and you were Karen Allen in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, you gave a watered-down performance (85.14) against lightweight TEUFLE HUNDEN.
You can’t always count on TE Rob Gronkowski to score multiple touchdowns each and every week (even though that’s what he has essentially done). Can WR Wes Welker (2.20) and WR DeSean Jackson (8.80) hold up over the course of December compared to bigger receivers like Greg Jennings and Vincent Jackson (both owned by league leader CHENGRI-LA)?
Last week’s logjam got even tighter thanks to MONEYBALLER taking down the suddenly un-surging FUNCTIONING DERELICTS. Take away CHENGRI-LA and TEUFLE HUNDEN, and the rest of us look like the NFC East. Someone needs to separate themselves from the pack with all that talent on the field.
MONEYBALLER has probably the most perplexing, healthy roster in our league. On a week when Stafford throws five TDs, WR Calvin Johnson only musters 8.90 points. On a week when RB Gore and RB Johnson combine for only 12.20 points, you still pull out a win. Heck, when Chris Johnson is your worst starter, you just have to bottle the insanity so that you can pull it out again next week.
Speaking of insanity, there’s my “friend” FUNCTIONING DERELICTS.
Without a doubt, his brief flirtation with QB John Skelton will prove to last shorter than then Kardashian-Humphries nuptials. (However, I, for one, am rooting for you and Skelton to make that marriage work.). You finally get WR Roddy White to show up this season. And you made a smart move picking up the New England defense (22.00) over the Chiefs Tyler Palko-led offense.
FUNCTIONING DERELICTS certainly caught up during the bye-weeks after a dismal early season start.
1-5 TEUFLE HUNDEN
2-4 BARDSDALE BRAWLERS
3-3 BLIND SIDE TAYLORS
3-3 DRUNKEN IRISHMEN
3-3 FLAMING BAG OF POO
4-2 FUNCTIONING DERELICTS
(FLAMING BAG OF POO decided to list these worst to best, since it may be the only time this season when we see TEUFLE HUNDEN’s name on top!)
But with QB Jake Cutler now done for the regular season, you have to wonder if FUNCTIONING DERELICTS will ever get double-digits out of stud RB Matt Forte (8.30) ever again; you gotta admit, FUNCTIONING DERELICTS, Matt Forte has been your “Forte”.
Note: For those of you who went to colleges better known for the number of first-round draft picks instead of diplomas (e.g. University of Miami, University of Florida, Ohio State, USC), then you may want to check out this link.
Yes, it’s a shame that Jake Cutler suffered a season-ending thumb injury this past weekend. (An even bigger shock is that BARDSDALE BRAWLERS didn’t own Cutler when he went down). On the one hand, I feel bad for Cutler; he has taken a lot of abuse since last season’s playoff surrender, and yet, he picked himself up off the frozen tundra and led the Bears into playoff contention again this season. You hate to see good redemption stories cut short.
On the other hand, at least he got back together with former fiancee’ Kristin Cavallari (of MTV ‘s LAGUNA BEACH and ABC’S DANCING WITH THE STARS fame).
Note: FLAMING BAG OF POO has been known to use the term “fame” rather loosely…if you haven’t already figured it out these past few months.
Anyway, I only recently learned that Cutler recently solved his cold feet problems and got back together with Cavallari. At least now he his own cheerleader-type to keep him company on the couch during those frigid Sundays in Chicago.
And if you’re Kristin Cavallari, whatever you did this season, at least you turned one trick that will pay off handsomely for you!