Yes, FLAMING BAG OF POO could never have accomplished this past week’s blog post without some form of divine intervention.
At this time of year, “Black Friday” and “Cyber Monday” around Thanksgiving weekend get all the hype.
But we should be talking more about “Black Cyber NFL Week 12”.
Because the insanity wasn’t limited to retail stores and websites. The insanity spilled onto the football field.
After holding the Packers on third down, Lions DT “N-DUMB-ukong” Suh obviously and deliberately smashes a Packer lineman’s head several times into the turf, before stomping (not stepping) on his opponent’s arm. The resulting unsportsmanlike penalty gave new life to Aaron Rodgers inside the 5-yard line, and allowed the Packers to score a touchdown while N-DUMB-ukong stood on the sidelines pleading his innocence to his coaches as if N-DUMB-ukong were a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar!
After scoring the go-ahead touchdown, Bills WR Stevie Johnson mocks opposing Jets WR Plaxico Burress’ self-inflicted gun shot wound. The resulting unsportsmanlike penalty forced the Bills to kick off from their own 20-yard line. And when the Bills kicker muffed a squib kick, the Jets found themselves at midfield where they could drive for the go-ahead touchdown.
Bears QB Caleb Hanie played well in replacement of Mr. Kristin Cavallari.
(Doesn’t Hanie sound just like Hynie? Hee, hee.)
But on the final drive, with the clock showing less than 10 seconds, Hanie tried to be Peyton Manning—instead of being Caleb Hanie. Hanie attempted to fake a spike—perhaps hoping to fool the defense—but when nobody (including his own players) cooperated—Hanie eventually spiked the ball. Too late, dude. You’re in the pocket. Intentional grounding. Offensive penalty forces a run-out of the clock.
Game over, dumb nuts! Playoff chances maybe over, too.
These bonehead on-field decisions would be more shocking if they were actually more infrequent. But they are so frequent that fantasy football leagues should create extra player stats for bonehead on-field decisions and off-field arrests. I’d start by drafting all Raiders, Bengals, and Cowboys!
You think that sounds absurd? Are you kidding?What’s absurd is almost unrecognizably buff Jonah Hill (SUPERBAD, GET HIM TO THE GREEK, MONEYBALLER) in those CALL OF DUTY MW3 commercials!
If Jonah Hill the soldier can become an instant cult hero, then it’s no surprise that morons like Stevie and N-DUMB-ukong may become even bigger sports cult heroes among the high school and college teams. Yes, kids, let’s completely ignore the fact that these self-proclaimed team players may have cost their traditionally underachieving franchises a playoff spot.
Unsportsmanlike conduct penalties aren’t severe enough. Even the NFL, for all of its fines and suspensions, is way too soft. Some may even argue that the NFL loves when its players royally fuck up. Run a dog-fighting ring? Shoot yourself in the leg with an illegal firearm? Get caught using steroids? C’mon, let’s get real!!!
The NFL only pretends to be concerned. But the NFL’s popularity has never been higher. Twitter feeds, Facebook posts, talk shows, and sports blogs are like millions of Super Bowl ads: the next day, the entire country is talking about the football game.
There’s no such thing as bad publicity for the NFL. In fact, there’s probably more bad publicity fueling the NFL’s popularity than good publicity. None of the bad publicity is hurting the game’s popularity. Instead, it’s our society that truly suffers. Our playgrounds and school sports arenas are filled with the next N-DUMB-ukong, the next Stevie Johnson, the next Chad Ochocinco, the next Terrell Owens.
Face it, even Tebow is flaunting plenty of his own unsportsmanlike penalty-worthy behavior! He just disguises it better. Stevie Johnson’s error was falling to the ground after his dance; if he had bent down one mock-shot knee, then the NFL would be too gutless to fine him.
So here’s how I propose that we get rid of these “me-first” antics and pre-meditated celebrations. Teams should enforce their own brand of vigilante justice when stupid, selfish “me-first” decisions cost the team games, playoff spots, and Super Bowl rings.
We’ve heard of “players-only meetings” before. So, how about “players-only punishment”? Hazing doesn’t need to be limited solely to preseason rookies?
Possible player-enforced punishment could include:
• Give post-game foot massages for the entire team.
• Clean entire stadium by yourself after the game (even for away games)…including the bathrooms.
• Wear new football jersey with the name “I.Q.” across the back”.
• Bending over for wet towel whipping from every teammate (twice from the ones taking steroids)
• Being forbidden to use protective cups during games.
• Placed on laundry duty for the rest of the season.
• Forced to dress like the Black Swan for all future media interviews.
• A weekly dinner date with Chad Ochocinco.
• Exchange all cool electronic gadgets for a Sony Discman and a crappy cell phone without a data plan.
• Reading books instead of playing card games or videogames.
• Human blocking sled.
Can you imagine if your fantasy football leagues dished out punishment for stupid, selfish decisions?
FLAMING BAG OF POO (114.94) nearly suffered from his own N-DUMB-ukong-like decision. Almost meant to taunt my opponents, POO benched Falcons WR Harry Douglas once he heard that fellow Falcons WR Julio Jones was upgraded to “probable” against the crummy secondary of the Vikings. Douglas scores an early TD, while Jones failed to make a single catch!
Fortunately, I was playing league-leader CHENGRI-LA (102.04). With some recent questionable choices, CHENGRI-LA finished Sunday with too huge of a deficit, despite a Giant effort from QB Eli Manning and a Saintly effort by TE Jimmy Graham.
MONEYBALLER (131.14) trounced TEUFLE HUNDEN (68.22) by 62.92 points. I had to re-check, but sadly, that margin wasn’t higher than TEUFLE HUNDEN creamed me by 76.26 points back in Week #2. The main difference between the two match-ups is that FLAMING BAG OF POO was actually playing to win.
BARDSDALE BRAWLERS (107.74) has finally managed to un-earth a few serviceable WRs, and that was more than enough to deliver another blow to once streaking FUNCTIONING DERELICTS (91.70). FUNCTIONING DERELICTS just hasn’t been the same since losing QB Vick—practically picking up a new QB each week since.
DRUNKEN IRISHMEN (115.68) should win any match-up as long as the Patriots score more than 3 touchdowns. This week was no different. Even without Adrian Peterson, DRUNKEN IRISHMEN ran over BLIND SIDE TAYLORS (74.78).
The Week 12 match-ups weren’t close enough to scrutinize. No second-guessing would turned losers into winners.
The real story in our league is the bottleneck still for the three remaining playoff spots to join slumping CHENGRI-LA.
In our Unsportsmanlike League, with a 6-6 record earning you third place, surprisingly, nobody has been eliminated from the playoff race. Even TEUFLE HUNDEN and the late-surging BARDSBALE BRAWLERS haven’t been mathematically eliminated from the top-4 playoff spots for Week 15.
Only one game separates FUNCTIONING DERELICTS, DRUNKEN IRISHMEN, BLIND SIDE TAYLORS, MONEYBALLER, and FLAMING BAG OF POO. With the season-high point total nearly locked up, only BLIND SIDE TAYLORS really seems in control of her own destiny because of the tie-breakers.
CHENGRI-LA has been the first to clinch a playoff spot—although he seems to be showing a lot of vulnerability backing into the playoffs with a current two-game losing streak.
This past weekend, the 0-11 Indianapolis Colts were finally eliminated from playoff contention. Most people would argue the Colts were eliminated back in Week 2.
Black Cyber NFL Week 12 was more about the losers, than the winners. The losers are just giving it away.
In this time of Thanksgiving, I would like to express my thanks to FUNCTIONING DERELICTS and BARDSDALE BRAWLERS for giving up K Sebastian Janitkowski and WR Brandon Lloyd.
And thank you, Tebow the Virgin, for giving us so many photos of your ex-girlfriends in cyberspace. Especially the naked ones like Erin Drewes.
Right, Tebow is a virgin. Next thing you’ll know, you’ll be trying to convince me that he’s the next John Elway.