Dear Santa Claus,
This Christmas, I don’t want anything from you!
Like in the number of wins that Curtis Painter, Caleb Hainie and Matt Leinart have combined.
It’s not like I don’t feel deserving of your generous gifts. I may have failed to qualify for our fantasy football playoffs last week because of my boneheaded decision to start TE Jermichael Finley over TE Antonio Gates—which helped contribute to my narrow two point loss to MONEYBALLER—but I still want to be included on your annual list.
But at this time, there’s nothing that I want. There’s nothing that I need.
Heck, I don’t even need iPad 2 WiFi that I received at work as part of my holiday bonus, so I’m returning it to the Apple Store. Because with the NFL and NCAA bowl games coming up, I have enough distractions as it is! I don’t need an extra gizmo to learn.
I’ll just get a store credit at the Apple Store, and wait for iPad 3 to be released; by then, it will be baseball (only) season, so I’ll have much more free time to learn a new gadget with nothing worth watching on TV.
So, can you give me a raincheck instead, Santa?
Because what I really want…what I really need…won’t be released until late-August 2012.
Yes, Santa, I’m already thinking ahead to the Unsportsmanlike League’s live draft for the 2012 NFL season!!!
In short, below is my wish list for August Christmas presents.
Just leave them underneath my crappy little Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
1) TE Rob Gronkowski, or the 2.0 version of him, because I don’t want to depend on the potential of TE Jermichael Finley ever again.
2) The 2010 version of QB Philip Rivers, because the 2011 version had too many bugs in it (especially for a second round pick).
3) WR Julio Jones…again. He is the next great action figure, but I think my original was defective because it kept pulling its hamstrings. I lost my draft day sales receipt—otherwise, I would have returned him earlier in the season.
4) Another prized rookie WR for my friends to ridicule me about. Because that makes for good blog posts when he goes off and beats them in our fantasy match-up. Perhaps Oklahoma WR Ryan Broyles, just because there isn’t an eligible WR named Ryan Burns-Your-Team.
5) My money back on WR Nate Burleson! I know I got him cheap, but I never got my money’s worth out of him. I will at least take Detroit Lions store credit so that I can apply that to my purchase of K Jason Hanson next August.
6) A defense that puts up fantasy points. Why did I ever think that CB Nnamdi Asomugha would help the Eagles defense when nobody throws at him enough to make interceptions?
7) A higher spot on the waiver wire. I feel like I started on the bottom, and then sat near the bottom most of the season.
8) A short memory like that of an NFL kicker. So I won’t keep beating myself up on Monday mornings.
9) A radio program with better pro football analysis for my evening commute home. Petros Papadakis annoys me—and it’s not just because he’s a USC Trojan (because I’d gladly listen to any show that featured Fox-y broadcaster Lindsay Soto, another ex-Trojan.)
10) And lastly, a complete set of 2012 NFL cheerleader calendars. One from each team. You remember, “calendars”, don’t you. They still make those, right? If you look up “calendars” on your iPhone, maybe you’ll find them that way.
OK, Santa Claus, if you really must insist on leaving me something underneath my Charlie Brown Christmas tree this weekend, let it be more NFL cheerleaders wearing skimpy Santa Claus outfits.
Where were all the Santa Cheerleaders last weekend anyway??? The collection of Santa cheerleader photos from Week 15 was like a lump of coal…very disappointing, Santa. I want to see more Santa cheerleaders (instead of sugar plums) dancing in my head.
In the Unsportsmanlike League “LEGENDS” division…
FLAMING BAG OF POO didn’t want to pay much attention to last weekend’s Unsportsmanlike League fantasy playoffs, since I didn’t want to play the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” game. But of course, I did! I can’t help myself.
If FLAMING BAG OF POO had won its Week #14 match-up and qualified for the playoffs, I would have beaten any conceivable match-up opponent during Week #15 with my 112.64 points. And that includes a really poor week by my stud RB Arian Foster. And the fact that I didn’t bother switching my Denver Broncos defense (-2.00 points) against the Patriots; because in a real fantasy playoff match-up, I never would have started any defense against Tom Brady. I’m bold, but I’m not stupid. (For exceptions, see TE Jermichael Finley).
I crushed TEUFLE HUNDEN (82.86) in the same way that a young child’s dreams are crushed when he discovers that the shopping mall Santa Claus with the cigarette breath isn’t the real Santa Claus. TEUFLE HUNDEN was no match for the trio of Matt Stafford, Arian Foster, and Julio Jones!
Does anyone outside of the battle for sixth place really care what happened in the FUNCTIONING DERELICTS (98.26) versus BARDSDALE BRAWLERS (84.06) match-up???
Nope, me neither. The season needs to end already to save these two guys from more damage to themselves.
Meanwhile, over in the “LEADERS” division…
BLIND SIDE TAYLORS (103.40) managed to beat CHENGRI-LA (79.48) with one Aaron Rodgers half tied behind her back. After going nearly unblemished almost the entire season, CHENGRI-LA didn’t flex much muscle when it mattered most. Unlike the more battle-tested BLIND SIDE TAYLORS who really had to battle for a playoff spot the past month, CHENGRI-LA may have suffered from a little overconfidence. Well, either that, or he suffered from the loss of Greg Jennings. It almost looked like CHENGRI-LA was going to escape the season without a Bardsdale. (Henceforth, any player injury should be referred to as a “Bardsdale”. Like, “Oh, man, I lost this week because Jennings pulled a Bardsdale.”)
At least BARDSDALE BRAWLERS won something. He won the honor of being added to the fantasy football lexicon.
For awhile, it looked like the worst possible week for Aaron Rodgers to have an off-game. Somehow, BLIND SIDE TAYLORS got some miracle gifts in the form of LeSean McCoy and Reggie Bush. But that’s like finding out the only two Christmas gifts you got this year were a BMW and a trip to Hawaii. The rest of her roster can be combined into one yucky fruitcake.
In the other semifinals, MONEYBALLER (109.50) sent DRUNKEN IRISHMEN (88.56) to bed for the off-season.
With DRUNKEN IRISHMEN’s Patriot-heavy line-up, I was shocked he never picked up QB Ryan Mallett after Tom Brady wasn’t available to him during the draft. (Remember, DRUNKEN IRISHMEN had drafted Peyton Manning, and then kept him on his roster for several weeks.) MONEYBALLER’s Patriot (Brady) was more than enough for DRUNKEN’s Patriots (Gronkowski, Welker, and Gostkowski). Thanks to Megatron’s 33.40 points, the only way that MONEYBALLER was going to lose this match-up is if he had played Johnny Knox. (I still haven’t watched a video of Knox’s freakish vertebrae injury.)
This leaves only two left on our Fantasy Island.
We now have our Unsportsmanlike League Super Bowl.
BLIND SIDE TAYLORS versus MONEYBALLER.
Rodgers versus Brady.
A duel to the death.
I’ll root for whichever one will throw the better end of season party with their winnings.
So I hope BLIND SIDE TAYLORS wins, because with her previous season point total winnings and several week-high point totals, she can afford better booze with her winnings than MONEYBALLER.