In the world of sports B.I. (Before Internet), there were two main reasons to keep my over-priced Sports Illustrated subscription: 1) the annual Swimsuit Edition, and 2) the issue with all the Letters to the Editor a few weeks later from appalled subscribers complaining that skimpy swimsuit models have no place in a so-called sports magazine.
Thank goodness for the Naysayers, Puritans, Quakers, and Conservatives. Because without them, comedy doesn’t exist!
Critics of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition don’t consider bikini-clad models as sport.
Essentially, SI is running a beauty contest in a reputable sports magazine that should only show photos of more dignified sporting events like bloody hockey players fighting. Or NASCAR drivers having slap fights. Or Tiger Woods throwing another hissy-fit because someone took his photo on a golf course.
Thankfully, SI gives us our own annual Miss America pageant—by sparing us the meaningless final interview portion, the C-list judges, and the Baywatch alumni as pageant hosts.
The reality is, sports offer us one superficial beauty pageant after another. For example, in essentially the same week that the Swimsuit Edition hits the newsstand, we have two more incredibly iconic annual beauty pageants.
THE WESTMINSTER KENNEL CLUB DOG SHOW IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN
THE NFL SCOUTING COMBINE IN INDIANAPOLIS
Just like in the Swimsuit Edition, it really doesn’t matter if nothing intelligent comes from the mouths of the dogs or prospective draft choices. We’re just there to admire these physical specimens, and judge them by our superficial criteria.
Both have the pure-bred dogs and the hot dog college football players’ flaws. At least in SI, they can Photoshop away any physical flaws that gives a supermodel her shiny coat.
Sure, the dogs in the Westminster Dog Show look super clean and groomed. But who wants a metrosexual dog that looks like he needed 2 hours to get ready before going out for a walk to take a shit? The se ridiculous breeders and owners (just a notch below child beauty pageant mothers on the creepy scale) prance around with their dogs. These poor dogs.
I bet this canine beauty pageant stunts their doggie emotional growth.
The NFL Scouting Combine is no better. From the same geniuses that probably invented the SI Swimsuit Edition, the Combine pokes and prods these male specimens in tests ranging from bench presses, to 40-yard dash, and the dreaded 3-cone drill.
Each prospect is given a workout shirt and stretch pants about two sizes too small so their muscles look better for the cameras. With total access nowadays on the NFL Network, we get to see every player run, jump, throw, catch, and practically sing their college fight songs. Heck, we even get to see NFL Network’s Rich Eisen run the 40-yard dash in his full suit, tie, and dress shoes each year.Just how flawed is this NFL beauty pageant? QB Brady Quinn was chosen as a first-round pick because all the teams saw his muscles.
QB Tom Brady was chosen in the sixth round for almost the same reason.
Think about it…
Imagine how a Tom-Brady-Quinn might have looked in the league today???
The NFL doesn’t care. This annual Indianapolis beauty pageant is proof that the NFL is the world’s greatest marketing machine.
Sports Illustrated could learn a thing or two from the NFL: what if they held an NFL Combine-like show for swimsuit supermodels where they had to run the 40-yard dash in super slo-mo?
Or bend down to the 3-cone drill? Or do the vertical jump—all while wearing their bikinis?
The NFL Scouting Combine has room for ratings improvement, too!
In my opinion, it would be much more fun to see each player take the Wonderlic test—as an oral exam. Now that would make for Must See TV!
It would be like watching the third runner-up in a Miss America pageant screw up her final interview question when she was asked to pick her favorite role model between Michelle Obama, Khloe Kardashian, and SI Swimsuit Edition cover model Kate Upton.
Flaming Bag of Poo admits, I’m not a very handsome guy. I would probably fare better competing in Westminster’s “Best of Hound Group” than in the NFL Combine or Miss America pageant.
But I don’t want to live in a world where we can’t judge how one breed dog, one first-round prospect, or one swimsuit model stands up against the rest of them.
Because that would make the off-season even more boring.
Sports will always be a beauty pageant. We shouldn’t think that sports is above all that.