Flaming Bag of Poo sure does love his sports and his women.
Sometimes in that particular order.
And that’s why the Poo can come out of the locker (it’s like a smaller closet, get it?) and announce to the world:
A recent CNN poll indicates that 59% of America agrees with the Poo on all three announcements. That’s a huge relief! It means that only 41% of America is wrong.
That’s the same 41% who will pick the wrong president this November. The same 41% who think race drivers are great athletes for a supposed sport that requires no pregame stretching.
The same 41% who think this former Miss-Winston-turned-Sweet-Home-Alabama-reality-star’s rack is all-natural.
The same 41% who think Ben picks Tenley-wannabe Lindzi over she-Devil Courtney on the March 12th finale of ABC’s THE BACHELOR.
[What? You actually thought the Poo only watches ESPN SPORTSCENTER and KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS?]
Let’s start with the joke of a sport that is NASCAR.
NASCAR is so dumb, even Will Ferrell couldn’t come up with any good one-liners in TALLADEGA NIGHTS.
Nope, a far cry from the catchy jokes of ANCHORMAN or OLD SCHOOL.
Can NASCAR really be considered a true sport when its jewel event, the Daytona 500, gets postponed by 30 hours when most of the excited fans can’t even watch when they’re working?
It’s the only sport that I know where someone can win a championship while driving under a caution flag—when competitors aren’t allowed to try their hardest.
The NFL would never postpone the Super Bowl for a little rain just because of safety issues.
Is NASCAR a true sport when the least accomplished driver, Danica Patrick, gets all the headlines and publicity?
(Hey, anyone ever heard of ace female NASCAR driver Janet Guthrie from back in the day? Janet Guthrie never had to rely on sexual innuendos on GoDaddy commercials.)
Is NASCAR a true sport when the favorites are knocked out of the competition just because some moron spins out of control and takes the favorite with him?
Imagine if Carl Spackler (CADDYSHACK) used a 5-iron Tonya Harding-style on Tiger Woods’ knee while he was standing by the 6th tee box?
NASCAR isn’t a race. It’s a freeway rush hour on a less-challenging course.
No GPS necessary.
A real race looks like Carl Lewis or Michael Phelps.
In what other sport is it more popular and more exciting to see cars crash—instead of overtaking competitors?
Is the Kentucky Derby better when you see a horse break its leg?
Is the Olympic Downhill Run better when you see a skier tumble end-over-end into a fence?
It would be like saying that turnovers make basketball games more exciting.
For those who claim that hockey is better when there’s fighting, think again!
By now, the 41% is ready to pick up their rotary phones and shotguns to defend NASCAR. Sure, get in your pick-up trucks, and drive here to the city to find me.
“Them damn city boys! They don’t understand us NASCAR folks.”
Red states versus blue states.
Budweiser in cans versus Budweiser in bottles.
On the flipside, city dudes haven’t proven to be very adept in the wooing department on CMT’s “Sweet Home Alabama”.
Flaming Bag of Poo got roped and hog-tied by two female friends last weekend to watch the latest episode of “Country Boys vs. City Guys”. Starring Paige Duke, the former NASCAR babe.
In some Bible-belt states, that’s supposed to be a career. Or a sin.
I expected the dudes would be total caricatures, and that didn’t disappoint! There were actually guys like Bubba and Tex. (FYI: those weren’t the City Guys.)
But the Bachelorette should actually be someone’s idea of Dream Girl, right? Nope.
Bio of Paige Duke. Fake boobs. Works on a hunting farm in Minnesota (not even Alabama). Fake boobs. Former Miss Winston of NASCAR (the women who stand in the background and upstage any race’s winner). Fake boobs on display in nude photos posted online by ex-boyfriend. Ironically, stripped of her Miss Winston title because of her stripping. Oh, and fake boobs.
Gasp! Feigned disbelief!
All that wouldn’t be so bad. Until you hear her laugh. And laugh, and laugh, and laugh. It would drive me mad to be with her if she was that happy all the time. Makes me want to run over her dog with her drunk ex-boyfriend pick-up truck—just to put her in a mood that I could stomach.
CMT’s SWEET HOME ALABAMA should have selected Leslie Bibb from TALLADEGA NIGHTS.
Leslie Bibb as Carley Bobby (wife of Will Ferrell’s Ricky Bobby) would have taken these Country Boys and City Guys, chewed them up, and spit them out. Now, that’s entertainment!
Normally, nothing beats ABC’s THE BACHELOR for pure nutzo-kookoo entertainment.
Fkaming Bag of Poo admits to watching THE BACHELOR to check out the women, but I really don’t watch THE BACHELORETTE. Poo has no interest in watching twenty dudes fight over one woman. I was willing to break that rule for Ali Fedotowski.
Flaming Bag of Poo hearts Bachelorette Ali Fedotowski.
But Poo wasn’t too enthralled with Bachelorette Ashley Hebert. Even when Poo found out later that she was a former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.
[Flaming Bag of Poo could probably sit here and name my favorite female contestants from THE BACHELOR, but maybe Poo should save that for a future post.]
This season, the female contestants have been so bad, and Bachelor Ben has been so purposely clueless, that I’m cheering for him to pick the wrong woman.
Hey, Ben, sorry, but you deserve the wrong fate. Although in Bachelor Ben’s defense, I’m not sure which women were worth keeping at this point.
Bachelor Ben’s judgment is so bad. Heck, he and his winery are making Rose’ wines. I don’t know if that just gimmicky marketing, or just bad wine sense.
What the show needs is a better bachelor!!!
I nominate NBA All-Star Kevin Love of the Minnesota Timberwolves. If ever there was a man destined to be the next bachelor, it’s a man named Love!
Flaming Bag of Poo hearts Kevin Love. But why will the women love Kevin Love?
For starters, he can actually afford all these amazing world wind trips. He doesn’t need ABC’s help. Love signed an extension for $61 million. And he was smart enough to negotiate an advantageous opt-out clause in his contract.
Love is tall. Love would make a good dance partner.
Love is strong. Love is like a lumberjack who throws full-court outlet passes off rebounds.
Love is versatile. Love won the latest three-point shooting contest at the NBA All-Star game.
And Love even has his own line of cologne.
You can’t just LIKE him.
You gotta LOVE Kevin Love.
Kevin, I just filled out an application for you on:
So if you get chosen, Mr. Love, remember to invite Flaming Bag of Poo along to be your mystery friend who helps you interview the women! And gets your sloppy seconds.