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Who is the Bigger Pussy? Meow the 39-pound Cat, or Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett???

Holding a 39-pound cat, this woman might have a stronger arm than Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett.

Recently, there have been two newsworthy deaths: The World’s Heaviest Pussy and the Red Sox Nation’s Biggest Pussy. One gets a lot of sympathy. The other gets none.

Last week, Meow, the fat cat, died of lung failure in the Santa Fe Animal Shelter & Humane Society. Apparently, this 39-pound tabby loved to eat hot dogs more than it loved to eat Lean Cuisine.

Meanwhile, Josh Beckett, the Red Sox fat cat pitcher, is Dead Man Walking after this week’s PR screw-up while his teammates try to escape last place in the AL East standing.

After skipping a start last week due to a supposed lat muscle injury, Beckett was reportedly caught golfing with fellow pitcher Clay Buchholz.

Red Sox Healthcare Coverage = $30 deductible on golf greens fees

His phantom lat muscle injury has since given way to a really bruised ego.

After somehow surviving last season’s infamous “Beergate”, Beckett opted to go with arrogance (instead of humility) to explain himself when questioned by the Boston media. Um, that’s like pitching underhand softballs to the 2011 version of Albert Pujols.

Poetically, of course, Beckett got hammered on his next start with his “rested” lat muscle. Rehab with a 5-iron. At least the $15.75 million dollar man sprung for a golf cart, so he wouldn’t have to carry his golf bag and six-pack for 18 holes—the way that many of us have to do.

Under the mildest media interrogation, Beckett took a curt, yet defiant, stance addressing Red Sox Nation:

“I spend my off-days the way I want to spend them. We get 18 off-days a year.”

Normally pro athletes strain an entirely different muscle (Gluteus Maximus Dumbass) when putting their foot in their mouths. But Beckett went with a lat muscle. I actually had to look it up since Poo only got a “B” in 10th grade Anatomy.

Latissimus Dorsi Side muscle

Beckett claimed that he only gets 18 days off. Boo Hoo Hoo! The average American worker earns 14 vacation days per year, and in this current economy, many workaholic Americans skip their vacations and work harder to assist their employers and co-workers.

Hey, Beckett, at least your job gives you a four-month off-season with nothing to do but golf! Four months? That’s longer than elementary school kids get for summer break! And baseball spring training is akin to that first week of college orientation for incoming freshmen—except ball players get four whole weeks, and they also go through more booze and chicks than incoming freshmen!!!

How on earth did Beckett ever date model/host Leeann Tweeden?

How on earth did Beckett ever date country singer Danielle Peck?

How on earth did Beckett ever date “Who’s The Boss” star Alyssa Milano?

There are 162 regular season games in a Major League Baseball Season. Last year, Beckett made 30 starts. Gee, Flaming Bag of Poo wishes he could get a job where he was expected to perform only 18.52% of the time. Heck, some of those days, Beckett even got to leave work early!

And for all that, the Red Sox owners pay Beckett a salary of $15.75 million annually through 2014. (The last time that Poo checked, the average American worker makes a wee bit less than $15.75 million per year; in fact, the entire city of Worchester, Massachusetts may not have collectively made $15.75 million last year.)

Don’t tell me Beckett works hard on the days that he doesn’t pitch. Lifting weights? Stretching out? Watching film? Playing cards? That’s not work! That’s a gym membership!

Poor Meow’s handicap was that he was too fat to fit through doors. Rich Beckett’s handicap is that his head is too fat to treat the game and his fans with any respect.

Shame, shame on the owners of both Meow and Beckett for letting their pets get too soft.

Red Sox Nation, maybe it’s time to put Beckett to sleep. Your 2003 World Series was a very long time ago. That’s nearly 5,000 hot dogs ago by Meow consumption standards. Or 2,000 clubhouse beers by Beckett consumption standards.

39-pound cats don’t deserve to expire before Beckett. Even the most myopic Boston fans would agree: Beckett is the bigger pussy. It’s a wonder that he fits through the Fenway clubhouse doors anymore.

Live and “Lat” die.

A girl with a glove. So sexy.

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About Flaming Bag of Poo

An un-safe place where sports, entertainment, and pop culture converge. Flaming Bag of Poo...A rather unique blog. Because sometimes you're on fire. (But most of the time, you just plain stink!) ------ Creator of the blogs FLAMING BAG OF POO and I SELL UNICORNS.

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