Kelly Ripa is tired of playing the field and waking up beside different men each morning.
Ever since Regis retired back in November 2011, Disney/ABC has paired up Kelly Ripa with so many overly bubbly male co-hosts that it’s beginning to look like a Gay Pride parade float.
Kelly, alone by herself, is a lot more tolerable than waking up to the women on “The View”. God only knows that nobody ever tuned into “Live! With Regis & Kelly” to stare at Regis Philbin’s belly button.
But it’s time to settle this once and for all, so we can focus on more important matters like the Presidential election, or Dwight Howard’s new team for next season.
Fortunately, Flaming Bag of Poo ran into “Live! With Kelly” Executive Producer Michael Gelman last night at an NYC rave, and got Gelman to admit that there are really 10 secret finalists beyond the previously narrowed-down list of SNL’s Seth Meyers, former NFL Giant Michael Strahan, and crooner Josh Groban.
Here are the 10 secret candidates being considered to fill Regis Philbin’s seat:
Alec Baldwin – “30 Rock” won’t last forever. Come on, have you seen the show lately? Tina Fey made him funnier. Then his new yoga instructor wife made him more flexible. Imagine the impact that Kelly will have on Smart Alec.
Steve Carrell – His movie career won’t last forever. Come on, have you seen his movies lately? “Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World”??? May as well be Kelly. Can’t be any worse than pairing Steve with Keira Knightley in that role.
Adam Sandler – His movie career is over…has been over. Now it’s like a pro basketball player who has earned ga-zillion dollars without a championship who joins the Lakers in hopes of finally winning. And I can’t wait until he walks onto the “Live” set dressed as Kelly Ripa.
Charlie Sheen – What list isn’t complete these days without Charlie Sheen? But wouldn’t viewers flock to see him on live TV?!?! Yes, “Anger Management” fans will be heartbroken. But both of them will get over it.
Brett Favre – Isn’t his name mentioned with just about every opening these days? The “retired” QB’s mere presence back in New York will make both Mark Sanchez AND Tim Tebow look over their shoulders.
Bill Clinton – The original cool POTUS is already a New York resident, so it’s a short commute for him. It’s like getting an earlier version of Regis from 10 years ago, so we can still call it a youth movement.
Prince Charles – When Kelly gets going nowadays, nobody can get a word in. A mime wouldn’t care. Since Marcel Marceau is dead, Prince Charles is the next closest famous mime.
Sean Parker – Isn’t the former Napster founder and former Facebook president on to his next gig anyway? But we only want him if we get Justin Timberlake to play him.
Mitt Romney – But the Republican presidential nominee cannot start until mid-November 2012 when he’s officially unemployed. Josh Groban can fill in for him until he’s ready.
Katie Holmes – Mrs. Cruise needs something to do those mornings while Suri is stuck at Scientology preschool.
Don’t screw this up, Disney/ABC! NBC already screwed up replacing Ann Curry with Savannah Guthrie.
Reminds me of when they re-cast first daughter Becky on “Roseanne”. Savannah is the other Becky.
Better luck at your next sitcom, Savannah Guthrie…