During the summer of 2008, the world witnessed an event of such sheer magnitude, brilliance and suspense that we mere mortals counted down the days before its return in the summer of 2012.
And now, after four years of waiting, the single-biggest event of the year is finally here!
No, stupid, I’m not talking about the Summer Olympics.
Flaming Bag of Poo is talking about THE DARK KNIGHT trilogy!
Really, does anyone (who is not earning an NBC paycheck) actually believe that the London 2012 Summer Olympics will capture the world’s attention more so than THE DARK KNIGHT RISES already has?
Face reality. The Olympics may soon follow MySpace, Blackberry, and Linsanity; from hero to zero—just like that! The Olympics have become less than they once were.
With an increasing number of channels, platforms, mobile devices, and other diversions available to consumers today, the Olympics are no longer the ratings juggernaut that they once were. Mark Lazarus, Chairman of the NBC Sports Group, succeeded the legendary Dick Ebersol, and he’s in charge of directing 5,535 hours of Olympic coverage across NBC’s multiple platforms to justify its $1.18 billion investment. And unlike 2008, everyone now has access to Twitter, Facebook, and the entire internet that you and your friends will already know that Ryan Lochte upset Michael Phelps in the 200—hours before NBC airs it during its final hour of primetime coverage.
You’d have to live in a cave—or still own a flip phone—to watch the Olympics with any degree of suspense.
Besides, the British are hosting the Olympics. That’s a bigger drag than Michael Phelps trying to swim wearing an inner tube.
It’s guaranteed that the British can ruin just about anything if you give them enough time. The British even lost a war to a ragtag band…
…with more bad wigs than Katy Perry, Nicky Minaj and Lady Gaga combined.
The British can’t even produce a champion to win Wimbledon. They don’t hand out trophies and gold medals for moral victories, do they?
And now, the whole world is counting on them to produce the Olympics with more flair and pageantry than the billion Chinese that Emperor Moo Goo Gai Pan enlisted just to perform in that stunning 2008 Opening Ceremonies in Beijing?
Sure, they gave us Ricky Gervais and “The Office”. But they also gave us British food and warm beer. And don’t forget, they discarded David Beckham onto our shores, and all he’s done is posed for a few billboards on top of a handful of appearances on Sportscenter’s Top 10 plays on slow nights.
Security is already a mess in England. With an insufficient number of private security, the British government has now sent its own military to guard London with rooftop missiles. This looks like Falkland Islands, Part II.
If the Brits are destined to make a sequel, there isn’t anyone better than the current king of sequels, his cinematic highness, Christopher Nolan!
Please, UK, it’s not too late. Beg your favored son Christopher Nolan to reimagine the London 2012 Olympics. Nolan should be available–unless he’s too busy counting his zillions from opening week’s box office receipts for THE DARK KNIGHT RISES. Just flash the bat signal in that dreary London sky–but replace the bat with a $ sign (or a Euro sign).
By the way, who did you get before to direct the Olympic opening ceremonies? Danny Boyle? He’ll open with one of those SLUMDOG MILLIONNAIRE Bollywood dance sequences, and he will conclude with a global audience chewing off their own arm just to distance themselves from their TV remote controls!
Guaranteed, NBC would have a monster hit by bringing Christopher Nolan on board. Nolan built an entire Gotham City in a lot less time than England did to build the Olympic facilities. And Nolan’s modern metropolis looks a lot better–and costs a lot cheaper—than current day London. Current day London—with its outdated infrastructure—resembles the setting for a Harry Potter movie.
Guaranteed, Christopher Nolan will give us something more entertaining for the opening ceremony than Elton John, Paul McCartney, Adele, and whichever Spice Girls are not currently in rehab.
Imagine this…Christopher Nolan walks into NBC Universal for a pitch meeting to save the 2012 Summer Olympics.
Nolan: “In a world where technology exists to enter the human mind through dream invasion…you probably refer to this as the internet, satellite TV, and mobile content…a highly skilled storyteller—me, of course—is given a chance at redemption on behalf of all living Brits which involves executing my toughest job to date…The Olympics in 4D and IMAX!”
Stunning visuals. Compelling storytelling. Heroic characters. Ideal pacing. Delivering the unexpected. And exceeding even your highest expectations.
And while you’re at it, every female gymnast would have to wear an Anne Hathaway “Catwoman suit”.
And every male wrestler would have to wear a Tom Hardy “Bane mask”.
Let’s see Christopher Nolan’s take on the “Dream Team”. Or the rivalry between Lochte and Phelps. Or the human flash that is Usain Bolt. Or the Olympic marathoner competing without a country. Surely the filmmaker extraordinare can tell a better story than NBC will.
Yes, INCEPTION and the BATMAN/DARK KNIGHT trilogy were mind-blowing. But my favorite of his movies may still be MEMENTO.
I highly recommend that you watch MEMENTO over watching 90% of the upcoming Olympic games. Unless you’re secretly a Rhythmic Gymnastics nut.
You saved Batman, Mr. Nolan. Now come save Olympic dreams!!! Before it’s too late.