Flaming Bag of Poo interrupts coverage of these Olympic Games for this Not-So-News Flash: Hope Solo is a publicity whore.
Flaming Bag of Poo never understood America’s fascination with Hope Solo. On the field, Solo has such incredible goal-keeping stats because she’s always had such a lockdown defense in front of her. Off the field, Solo wears more make-up than an Eastern European gymnast.
Even Solo’s Tweets are ugly.
For my money, on-and-off-the-field, the entire U.S. soccer team is more attractive and more talented than Solo. Give me Ali Krieger, Kelley O’Hara, Heather Mitts, Amy Rodriguez, Alex Morgan, Sydney Leroux…just to name a few of my favorites.
A couple months ago leading up to the London Olympics, Solo made the attention-seeking claim that the Olympic Village will be one giant sex-fest. According to Solo, the athletes ran out of condoms during the Beijing Olympics. No mention on whether those condoms were actually used for water balloon fights.
Theory has it that most professional athletes abstain from sex before a big game, match, or tournament. But it does make you wonder: do Olympic athletes go sex-crazy as soon as their Olympic games are over? Does a gold medal make a good aphrodisiac?
Or in Ryan Lochte’s case, does Mother Lochte make a good wing-man?
By now, the whole world knows that Mother Lochte outed him as a playah.
The Moral Majority probably thinks that Lochte’s history of one-night stands and no girlfriends won’t make him a good role model.
On the contrary!!!
Role model? Are you frickin’ kidding me? Save the Wheaties boxes for Michael Phelps.
Hey, Off-Madison Avenue (a sort of take on off-Broadway), Lochte appeals to that narrow demographic that throws away their disposable income on diamond-studded grills, edible massage oils, Adidas knock-offs, Kanye West music, and Maxim magazines. Advertisers should be salivating with new endorsement deal possibilities. Has there ever been a more globally-recognized playah spokesperson than Ryan Lochte?
Lochte doesn’t need to sleep his way to the top. Dude is already on top. Dude should sleep his way to the middle!
And, as Hope Solo suggests, there’s no better place to do this than the Olympic Village. Over these remaining seven days of the London Olympics, you’ll see this swimming heartthrob cruisin’ the dining hall picking up international babes with the same ease as he picks up Olympic medals.
Like an American backpacker on summer break, our favorite Olympic douchebag will couch surf his way across the Olympic field. Hook-ups with some of the most natural physical specimens. Great personalities? Incredible drive? Who cares?
There are plenty of available international women already done with the Games. Many of them non-medalists who would be grateful just to touch your pair (of gold medals).
Here is how Lochte should plan to get around the world…in 7 days and 7 nights.
7) Jessica Ennis – Let’s start with the host country. This British Heptathlete is your rare physical equal. Like all British gold medalists, Ennis will soon have a stamp created in her honor. Lochte may as well practice his licking right now.
6) Kristyna Kolocova and Marketa Slukova – Flaming Bag of Poo is a traitor. Yesterday, Poo may have been the only American rooting for the Czech beach volleyball team to upset Americans Jennifer Kesey and April Ross in the quarterfinals. Kolocova and Slukova may have lost, but they are now due for a lot more exposure than even a bikini allows. Kolocova made digging…and freckles…sexy. How do you say “ménage a trois” in Czech? Or how do you say “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition” in Czech? From a global commercial standpoint, perhaps no non-medalist helped themselves out more than Kolocova and Slukova. Lochte will make sure of that.
5) Laura Ludwig – Any time that a woman garners more attention than a pair of tanned Brazilian champions, as well as a tall blonde German partner, then you know Ludwig is special. Ludwig absolutely carried her beach volleyball partner Sara Goller during the quarterfinals against the top-ranked Brazilians. Incredible defense…crafty shot-making…never-say-die effort. Ludwig caught the Brazilians off-guard several times with one-overs. Imagine then what Ludwig could do with a sleep-over, Ryan!
4) Olga Rypakova – When you’re traveling around Europe, you always want to pass through some of those really obscure countries for at least one night—just for bragging rights. Lochte is just a hop, skip, and a jump away from getting his sexual passport stamped for Kazakhstan with triple jump gold medalist Rypakova.
3) Rosie White- Let’s just say that there’s more than one way to go “Down Under”. Lochte needs to man-mark this New Zealand striker. Especially around the box.
2) Maria Kirilenko – If there are two things that Russia knows how to produce—they are female gymnasts and female tennis players. But even our favorite American douchebag must draw the line somewhere—pedophile, nyet! So why not take a swing at bronze medalist Kirilenko? I shouldn’t even have to pull up all the Sports Illustrated swimwear shots to make my point.
1) The Dutch Field Hockey Team – Yup, the entire women’s team!!! If Lochte had the endurance for six swimming events in under a week, then surely he has the endurance to take on all the starters–plus the deep bench players. Yes, unless you’ve been living under a log, rely on a TV with an antenna, or still own a pager, you may not know about the Dutch team dubbed the most beautiful at the London Olympics.
Ellen Hoog, Sophie Polkamp and the rest of Team Beautiful goes 15-deep, even though Ryan may only go about 8-deep. This is one night our favorite douchebag has no problems going Dutch.
Because that, Hope Solo, would be an Olympic record for douchebags!
Remember, ladies, Lochte won’t have any time for cuddling—even if you’re a gold medalist. C’mon, even his mother warned you about that! Mother Lochte is best wing-man ever.
That’s why I would hate to be his roommate this week in the Olympic Village. NBC won’t catch Lochte among the spectators at any one of the Dream Team’s remaining games. Instead, there will be a Speedo hanging on the door knob every time you come back to the room.
If the Speedo is rockin’, don’t bother knockin’.
And, Ryan, if you want to dump your mother for Rio 2016, Flaming Bag of Poo will be your new wing-man.