In most sports, where you start is seldom as important as where you finish.
Baseball teams can lose their entire first month, and still have enough games left to make the MLB playoffs or College World Series.
Basketball teams have been known to play without a key player well into December, and yet still be in a position to make a deep playoff run.
Hockey teams can look marginal all year, enter the playoffs as the lowest seed, and then find a way to bring the Stanley Cup home to sunny Southern California for the first time ever.
Even in the NFL, going 0-4 in the preseason has never been a fair indication on how the regular season will go.
But in college football, Week One matters as much as exam week. Early-season losses send you falling down the polls farther and faster than late-season losses.
Flaming Bag of Poo’s College Football Top 16 Rankings reflect the pre-Bowl season rankings for December 2012.
Only in college football—the best teams aren’t reflected in the final rankings. The BCS always knows the deep dark secrets behind Bigfoot’s stomping grounds, how Marilyn Monroe really died, and why anyone would purposely impregnate Snooki!!!
Millions of fans always ask Flaming Bag of Poo: “Why only 16 ranked teams, instead of the customary 25 teams?”
THE ANSWER: Flaming Bag of Poo refuses to acknowledge teams destined for the Poinsettia Bowl, Alamo Bowl, or Liberty Bowl.
Let’s be real. You wouldn’t wake up with your New Year’s Day hangover to watch just any college football with a winning record (or high school-looking cheerleaders).
FLAMING BAG OF POO’S ALMOST-SWEET 16
Poo is on fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why is Notre Dame here? – In order to meet the obligatory quote for SEC teams in any top rankings list, Flaming Bag of Poo really wanted to pencil in South Carolina, but those ‘Cocks are bound to go limp by midseason. Instead, I’m forced to pencil in the words “Notre DAMN Fighting Irish”. (See, I still can’t do it.) Four regulars season losses, and the Damn Irish won’t drop lower than #16. Notre DAMN never plays on a level playing field.
Why is Arkansas here? – The Razorbacks will peak when it beats the Crimson Tide. Too bad that’s in Week 3. The wave of overconfidence will come crashing down on the shores of South Carolina. When was the last time Arkansas played a meaningful non-conference game to make them more battle-tested?
Why is Ohio State here? – With nothing to play for except pride this season, the Buckeyes won’t even have much of that this season. Besides, Urban Meyer doesn’t want to give his opponents very much tape on this season before he crushes them next year. Because he knows that he has job security, this season in Columbus will be like an extended spring scrimmage for Meyer.
Why is Texas here? – Yes, everything is bigger down in Texas. Especially the false optimism that Mack Brown can finally return this bum steer into a prize bull again. But a quarterback controversy will cast a bigger season long shadow over this team than a ten-gallon hat. Expect back-to-back losses by midseason. I wish I could drop down further, but I know the voters won’t allow that. Same way that George W. managed to put his ass on a White House toilet.
Why is Virginia Tech here? – Two things are true about ACC Football. If your college degree can get you a job with a hedge fund on Wall Street, your football team will finish in the bottom half of the ACC. And if half your student body posts photos of themselves with mullets and cheap whisky (and I’m counting the women here as well), then your team will finish at the top of the ACC. Someone has to win the ACC—even if by default. Florida State is way overrated (Deion Sanders and Charlie Ward are never coming back to school!) And the Seminoles have to take a bi-plane and a pick-up truck to get to Blacksburg this year.
Why is Michigan here? – This isn’t Denard Robinson’s team. It certainly isn’t Rich Rodriquez’s team anymore. The Wolverines will now embody the style of Brady Hoke. Even without Penn State, the Big 10 will be tougher than most experts think, so the Big Blue is going to trip just once. Flaming Bag of Poo’s prediction is several trips and fumbles by Robinson at Nebraska. Michigan will peak early when it beats the Crimson Tide on opening weekend.
Why is Boise State here? – After losing their first game to the Spartans, the Broncos will run the table the rest of the season. Their best defense will come from having to defends the weak WAC conference. Being favored by at least 20 points over every conference foe won’t help that argument. Non-BCS schools have banged their heads on the #10 glass ceiling as often as all the women combined who have inexplicably banged their heads on headboards with John Mayer.
Why is Alabama here? – Alabama will start the year 2-2, and last January’s National Championship win over LSU will soon be a distant memory. Michigan and Arkansas have much better offenses than LSU ever showed last year. After missing the SEC Championship Game this December, a top 10 finish will be considered a rebuilding year for Nick Saban.
Why is Wisconsin here? – The big question around Madison will be: “Who has more wins this season? QB Russell Wilson’s Seahawks? Or his former Badgers? With an unimpressive schedule, the Badgers cannot afford any letdowns. They’ll miss Wilson more than they think, while his Seahawks go 9-7.
Why is Oklahoma here? – Landry Jones is a really nice guy. Most overrated players usually are. If Sam Bradford had one more year of NCAA eligibility (at the way he’s playing for the Rams), you’d still choose Bradford over Jones. November is going to expose Jones for what he really is: a passer, but not a warrior.
Why is Georgia here? – Georgia is catching everyone at the right time. Missouri, Tennessee, Florida, and Auburn have all seen better years. It is Mark Richt’s time to put-up or shut-up. Thus far, he’s remained too quiet about possible drug-related suspensions to two starting defensive players, but Richt has been planning around that since the spring. If the Bulldogs can avoid getting kicked off the field, this could be a big year for them.
Why is LSU here? – Les Miles gets more of out of talent-that-won’t-ever-graduate-with-a-diploma than any other coach in America. The first half of Tigers’ schedule is easy enough to give Les more time to figure out a quarterback and an offense. The Tigers have no business being ranked this high. That’s why they’ll get here. Their wins are ugly. Their female fans are not.
Why is USC here? – There is no defense in the country that will boost Trojan QB Matt Barkley’s Heisman campaign than his own team’s defense. The front seven will have difficulty stopping the run against teams like Stanford and Oregon, so Barkley will still be throwing 15-yard passes that his wide receivers will turn into 60-yard scoring touchdowns. Thus solidifying Barkley’s spot beside Jaguars QB Blaine Gabbert on ESPN Fantasy Football’s rankings this same time next year.
Why is Nebraska here? – Cornhusker QB Taylor Martinez makes Wolverine QB Denard Robinson look like he could start in the Texas Tech system. Nebraska will live-or-die based on Martinez’s legs and head, instead of his arm. But the Huskers are solid like a corn silo. With a gimme non-conference schedule, and their toughest games at home,
Why is West Virginia here? – The Mountaineers will have the same effect on the Big 12 that Clint Eastwood characters have on the small towns in any of his western films. Nobody knows what to make of this stranger. Dual-threat QB Geno Smith assumes the role of Clint in this 2012 re-boot. Despite challenging trips to the overrated Longhorns and Cowboys, Morgantown will host the Sooners, Bears, Wildcats, and Horned Frogs; those visiting teams will get the runs thinking about their plush outhouses back home when they see the conditions in West Virginia.
Why is Oregon here? – This isn’t just because Flaming Bag of Poo needed an excuse to feature more photos of the Oregon cheerleading squad. The only team faster than the Oregon Ducks this year is the Jamaican Olympic track team. USC won’t have the speed or the firepower to match Oregon on November 3rd. QB Marcus Mariota might make first-team all-Pac 12—and yet still lose the Heisman Trophy to USC QB Matt Barkley.
Last year, Flaming Bag of Poo was a perfect 16-for-16!
(Too bad a virus from ESPN erased that online post. But why would I lie?)
ANOTHER PREDICTION: The Heisman finalists will all be quarterbacks…plus one running-back-to-be-named-later from Oregon.