This is just so wrong.
Where the hell is the man of the house???
The so-called man of house’s only legitimate excuse is that he better be distracted with his fantasy football league.
There is nothing pretty about false pride…for reality TV shows about child beauty pageants…or for fantasy football drafts.
Honey, there were plenty of Boo Boo’s during our Unsportsmanlike League 2012 fantasy football draft last week.
Let me start by introducing this year’s league owners.
Long-time readers will notice some familiar names. One owner keeps changing his name every season—as if that will make anyone forget the terrible curse he puts on top-tier players when he selects them. And we managed to entice a few new owners from their work leagues (NFL Europe-equivalents).
To my own shock & disbelief, Flaming Bag of Poo won the top draft spot. All summer-long, Flaming Bag of Poo was mentally mock drafting from the #4 or #5 spot. How could I possibly justify drafting WR Julio Jones with the top overall pick?!?!
My original preseason strategy involved:
1. Grabbing a top 4 RB or top 4 WR in the first round and second round.
2. Prematurely selecting TE Jimmy Graham in the third round.
3. Loading up on white guy WRs who ran good routes (e.g. Jordy Nelson, Eric Decker)
4. Looking for bargain or injured RB who had fallen (e.g. MJD, Ryan Matthews)
5. Grabbing K David Akers before drafting my defense.
6. Believing enough in QB Jake Cutler’s gun-slinging re-emergence–and waiting to grab my first QB late-round since nobody else will want Cutler (except Kristin Cavallari).
Most of that went out the window once I drew the top pick. (Aaron Rodgers vs. Arian Foster). Last year, drafting at #5, I had Rodgers at the top of my board. But Foster dropped to me because of early injury scares, and so I went against my own logic, and I took Foster. (It bears reminding our audience that Bardsdale Brawlers chose the soon-to-be-hexed RB Jamaal Charles with #4 over Foster.) Of course, with #6, Blindside Taylors scooped up Mr. Rodgers, and she rode him into the neighborhood of champions.
With homemade jerky, amateur craft brews, reliable WiFi, and an 8:00pm Yahoo Sports reservation on August 30th, we sat down to draft on Drunken Irishmen’s home field…otherwise known as Foxboro Stadium West.
Our serpentine draft followed the order below.
Like the Republican Party, Flaming Bag of Poo took big chances on picks with potentially big upsides. Guys still recovering from injury (Adrian Peterson, Jason Witten, Ryan Matthews), guys not even starting on bad teams (Ryan Williams), and guys learning new offenses (Brandon Marshall, BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Pierre Garcon). I took Aaron Rodgers with the first pick, but if I had taken Arian Foster again and then not gotten any of the top four QBs, I was prepared to draft Jay Cutler after the eighth round; Cutler will have the most surprising fantasy year among the non-rookies. Did you notice how a pregnant Kristin Cavallari (Mrs. Jake Cutler) actually looked like a real woman before she was due—than when she wasn’t pregnant? Now, Cutler is due.
Everyone knew that I wanted Julio Jones this year. I was telegraphing it. (Younger readers may want to look up “telegraph” on Wikipedia). So with my second round pick, and every wide receiver not named Megatron available to me, I took…Brandon Marshall. Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t predict any of Soccer Ginger’s moves in any of my mock drafts. Total wild card. And so, Soccer Ginger snagged Julio before the picks came back to me. Julio will be this season’s football equivalent to soccer’s Alex Morgan; easy on the eyes, yet still produces big. My fantasy man-crush must resume from afar. Meanwhile, wild card Soccer Ginger snatched some good picks—if all his picks were 12th round choices! Someone needs to explain to him that in this version of futbol, players should actually use their hands. (I’ll trade you a pair of worn gloves for WR Denarius Moore.) White guys can’t jump…ahead of me in the standings.
I look at Functioning Derelict‘s roster, and I can’t help thinking that this looks like an injured reserve list by midseason! Jamaal Charles, Frank Gore, DeMarco Murray, Sebastian Janikowski? Prediction: Functioning Derelicts makes the most pick-ups this season. But nobody seems to make smarter pick-ups than Functioning Derelicts. (Too bad that same reputation doesn’t translate for him in singles bars.) Displayed absolutely zero faith in picking fellow Georgia Tech alumni (Johnson, White, Dwyer, Choice). It’s not like you went to Duke.
The biggest coup of the night was Drunken Irishmen (Hernandez) having one less Patriot than Functioning Derelicts (Brady, Lloyd). The pre-draft over/under was three. Despite all his self-depricating remarks during the preseason, Drunken Irishmen is out to prove that those “Mel Kiper School of Fantasy Drafting” courses (that he took over the summer) were worth the long weekend in Indianapolis. A smarter owner would have taken that course online. Or bought the cassette tapes. (As the elder statesman in the league, Drunken Irishmen still owns a dual cassette/8-track tape player.)
If I could steal anyone’s entire draft day roster, it would be FC Omaha’s. With the exception of two head-scratching picks (Tony Gonzales and Roy Helu), every player on his list was someone that I heavily considered drafting–before I chose someone else at that same position. Hopefully my envy will curse his roster! FC Omaha took a chance on MJD—who was dropping faster than a farm girl’s Daisy Duke’s on a Saturday night out. (Or if FC Omaha had a sister with his same bone structure, then her denim shorts.)
Someone please tell Moneyballer to get the Yahoo Sports app on his phone so he doesn’t have to wait by his computer until 9:50am every Sunday morning. And I thought I was the technology retard! (Yes, PC police, it’s OK to use that word in the correct non-degrading form.) But really, why wait until 9:50am each week? Your starters look awesome, and your bench looks laughable. It’s like in high school when two students decide to merge their essay homework together as if the teacher won’t realize that one half looks completely different than the other half? Well, it looks like Billy Beane picked during the first half of your draft, and then Orson Beane picked during the second half. I’m salivating for our Week 11 matchup.
ESPN Magazine jinx or Madden NFL 2013 jinx, the biggest jinx is the “ACLs FROM HELL JINX”. No matter what ACLs From Hell wants to call himself, this league owner has proven to be the injury jinx each year. That’s as automatic as Rex Ryan is overweight. (Wait, what do you mean he shed his blocking sled of a belly?) After the ACLs drafted Calvin Johnson with the seventh overall pick in the first round, I wasn’t disappointed not drafting Matt Stafford again this year. (Yes, I know you’ll need to read that sentence ten times before its wisdom sinks into you.) Because now Calvin Johnson is destined to get horribly injured this season. By the way, the Giants are equally jinxed, since the ACLs snagged three Giants. To nobody’s surprise, the ACLs made the first transaction; no faith in his draft!!!
Someone needed a dumber fantasy name than Honey Boo Boo. So here it is…Muhammad Massacre! I may have to just start referring to this team as the M&M’s. Or I just might call them the “Sink or Swim” team. Muhammad Massacre is filled with players who you aren’t even sure if they can take the field each week. From the injury prone (Vick, McFadden, Jackson), to the early sideliners (Britt, and early pick-up Mendenhall), to the borderline non-starters (Redman, Tate), to the disgruntled holdouts who report late (Wallace). Heck, even your kicker didn’t solidify his starting spot until the Saints cut AARP John Kasay. Even your current USC Trojans have better highly-paid players than your fantasy league team! (Muhammad Massacre is still afraid to give me the Oregon Ducks and the point spread for November 3.)
It promises to be a fun season with our fantasy football reality pageant. Come join us out around Los Angeles to watch the games. First round of drinks is on you!!!