Imagine if back in 1983, all the Hollywood studios held their own version of a fantasy league draft in order to choose potential box office superstar-comedian-actors…
…Eddie Murphy and Dan Ackroyd may have gone #1 and #2—since the Super Bowl of comedies, TRADING PLACES, was released that year.
Now, if you have never seen TRADING PLACES before, then it’s time for you to put aside your fantasy football scouting reports, and search for its next replay on Comedy Central or TBS.
There were so many classic scenes in TRADING PLACES. Eddie Murphy pretending to be a blind, paralyzed Vietnam war veteran! Billy Ray and Louis cleaning up on Frozen Orange Juice market after the crop report was released!! The costume party on the train with the gorilla!!!
Yeah, you’re right, all those scenes blow compared to Jamie Lee Curtis’ under-appreciated topless scene. JLC’s two greatest contributions to this cinema classic.
And speaking of natural boobs, let’s take a look of the Week 1 matchups.
Back off! I’ll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain. – Private Eye Clarence Beeks, holding our heroes at gunpoint on the train.
Soccer Ginger flexed his muscles early and often. Even though in the end, this 500-pound gorilla probably took it up the ass. Still, against Functioning Derelicts, playing all his top draft picks proved to be more than enough for Soccer Ginger. By mid-afternoon, it looked like Soccer Ginger would win high point total—even from underwhelming showings by Foster and Stafford. Awfully dangerous those Gingers!
Functioning Derelicts wins the nomination for Most Mismanaged Roster of the Week. His bench total (75.28) nearly beat his starters (91.74). That’s what you get for listening to the expert projections! C’mon, aren’t Derelicts smarter than that? [In your defense, at least you aren’t Moneyballer!] At this point, you have to be asking yourself, “Who can I trust?” Do you really want to put your faith in Kevin Smith? The week you start Romo, Brady will go off.
Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy low. Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are saying, “Hey, we’re losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain’t gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip! And my wife ain’t gonna f… my wife ain’t gonna make love to me if I got no money!” So they’re panicking right now, they’re screaming “SELL! SELL!” to get out before the price keeps dropping. They’re panicking out there right now, I can feel it. – Billy Ray Valentine learning high finance with the Duke Brothers.
Muhammad Massacre won. But you can’t be feeling great about his roster. Graham and Thomas scored well, but Vick’s 19.88 performance against the BROWNS’ defense had to scare you. Face it…if I offered you any comparable position player from my roster, you’d feel inclined to jump at the chance. And it’s only Week 2!!! Panic City. Sell, sell, sell!
Ray Rice did great for FC Omaha, but you could not have been too happy with the suddenly pass-happy Ravens O. FC Omaha better hope for a lot of pass interference calls in the end zone since Rice might be destined for just goal line touchdowns in that new offense. Undrafted Joe Flacco almost looked as good as Matt Ryan. Yes, Ryan and his no-huddle offense looks like the early sleeper QB draft pick of the season. But you probably wouldn’t want him to always put up 35.6% of your points each and every week; that probably would have been only 35% of your total if RB David Wilson (-1.60 points) had never strapped on his cup last Wednesday night. Those were probably the only balls that Wilson held on to.
‘Cause I’m a karate man! And a karate man bruises on the inside! They don’t show their weakness. But you don’t know that because you’re a big Barry White looking motherfucker! So get outta my face! – Billy Ray Valentine explaining how he supposedly beat up 10 cops without sustaining any apparent bruises.
There had to be a winner in this matchup. It’s still hard to tell, really. Both teams suffered a lot of bruises. Drunken Irishmen won using the bobbleheads that showed up for Newton, Fitzgerald, Colston, and McCoy. Have both Newton and Drunken Irishmen already reached the sophomore jinx in fantasy football? Not so easy to play fantasy football without half the Patriots roster. Good news for you though: you can make a waiver claim for Danny Woodhead. Yes, we won’t forget that you drafted RB Jonathan Stewart, and you also have DeAngelo Williams sitting on your bench. Keep going with that strategy of drafting every available Panther.
Out-smart us. Please.
Moneyballer must be feeling pretty sore watching his bench (86.40) out-pace his starters (85.26) the way that Chris Johnson used to out-pace defensive players. You only get to brag about C.J. Spiller if you actually play him. Bottom of the Unsportsmanlike League. Even the Colts didn’t look this bad this early. Maybe you should have shown up to the draft location a little earlier than two minutes before the first pick.
That’s called the “quart of blood” technique. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out of a man’s body. – Billy Ray Valentine after demonstrating some fake karate moves in the prison cell.
Forget illegally-obtained Frozen Orange Juice crop reports! Forget all the Yahoo Sports point projections! Flaming Bag of Poo just followed his gut and started his #3 RB Ridley and #4 RB BJGE, while waiting patiently for steal picks Peterson and Matthews to get healthy later in the season. Playing against the toughest defense he will face all season, #1 pick Rodgers still passed for a respectable 23.82 points. The top producing Jets defense and a 63-yard FG by Akers
The biggest upset pulled off by ACLs From Hell was the absence of any significant player injuries. Although Victor Cruz sustained a rather bruised ego. (“There are people out there who want to see you fail” – Victor Cruz to USA TODAY Sports following his three dropped passes in Week 1…and his off-season commercial blitz.) You took several players that I wanted to draft—Cruz was never one of them! Apparently, you haven’t caught on yet to #Griffining. If Forte and Bush were Siamese twins, you might have beaten Flaming Bag of Poo. Not!!!
We can’t forget the final scene of the 1983 classic TRADING PLACES, as our heroes enjoy their newfound love and money in the Caribbean.
Looking good and feeling good. That’s Flaming Bag of Poo! Following Week #1 in my fantasy football league, I am Billy Ray Valentine and Louis Winthorpe III sipping cocktails on a Caribbean island.
Meanwhile, my seven fantasy league competitors are Randolph and Mortimer Duke spending time behind white-collar bars.
Yes, Unsportsmanlike League, I am laughing at you. Not with you!
Like this Classic ‘80s film, Moneyballer and ACLs From Hell are still stuck in the 80s.
Flaming Bag of Poo won’t be TRADING PLACES with anyone!!! Let’s hope for 15 more sequels.