Posted on

The Answer: Suicide bombers. Cesspool cleaners. Coal miners. Parking enforcement officers. And NFL replacement officials!

The Question: Name the five toughest jobs in today’s society (after you factor in risk-and-reward).

“Illegal bad breath to the face…on number zero of the Broncos.”

Someone needs to defend the NFL replacement referees. By now, every sports journalists has taken their pot shots at the scab referees for supposedly ruining the game for every single sports fan.

Do you any of you have any idea how tough it is to referee any sporting match perfectly? Much less a high-intensity rivalry game with 275-pound men flying within inch of you. With millions of witnesses to boo you when you make a mistake?

Imagine if millions of us followed you to work at your cozy office job. You forget to program the copier for double-sided instead of single-sided. You transposed two numbers in your financial spreadsheet. You misspelled your client’s name in the Powerpoint presentation. And then millions of us complain about you. Endlessly. Completely forgetting all the things you actually did right.

Do you think it’s easy to officiate? Even Erin Andrews can’t get the stripes right.

If you think you can do better, then get out there! Because without these NFL replacement referees, we might be forced to watch baseball!

Yes, I imagine the 120 veteran referees locked out by the league can do a better job than the replacements. But they aren’t the problem. You’re the problem! You’re the problem because you expected perfection. Heck, even the veteran referees made mistakes. So these replacement referees aren’t ruining the game.

NFL referees have always been a thankless job. When was the last time that you heard a sports journalist praise any sports referee, umpire, or official for calling a perfect game?

Never! Like a parking enforcement officer, all NFL referees hear are the complaints. I’m shocked that one of them has never gone postal.

America—in all its greatness—loves to complain. People will complain about anything if you let them. So what if there were a lot of inconsistent calls during this weekend’s NFL games? So what if it took the referee crew more than 10 minutes to make a call during the Broncos-Falcons game. (America, that’s why we have DVRs, remote controls, and hundreds of DirecTV channels. I flipped around. To this day, I still have no idea what the penalty debate was all about.) Irate fans and sports journalists complain like that’s 10 minutes of their life they will never get back.

News flash: you weren’t getting those 10 minutes back even if they did make the right quick call. That’s life, people. Deal with it.

Officials take another look at super slo-mo instant replay.

Speaking of odd referee calls and complaints, let’s take a look of the Week 2 results in our Unsportsmanlike League.

Soccer Ginger (132.30) is flagged for “Unnecessary Roughness” while playing against Flaming Bag of Poo (52.34)

Just like Titans QB Jake Locker after he throws a costly interception for a potential pick-six, Flaming Bag of Poo knows to quickly switch from offense to defense. (Of course, last week, Locker injured his shoulder making the tackle on the defensive back.) After some offensive Week One chest-pounding, Flaming Bag of Poo really took it on the Week Two chin—and was forced to play defense against a lot of Yahoo Sports teasing.

Yup, in this fantasy league, I gotta be able to dish it out as well as I can take it. (Or maybe I got that ass-backwards!) Poo’s head is still spinning after that dreadful fantasy showing in the Bears-Packers game. Made the bold boast starting QB Jake Cutler over #1 pick QB Aaron Rodgers. In my defense, Rodgers didn’t fare much better, and I still would have lost my match up if the quarterbacks had combined for 5-6 touchdowns. So, Poo is already jumping off the Cutler bandwagon; fortunately, it isn’t going too fast. Dive and roll…dive and roll. Try to survive relatively unscathed. If my studs were going to get roughed up, at least they all did it during the same week and got it all out of their system.

Nobody was beating Soccer Ginger this week. It’s too early to say if Soccer Ginger is really the team to beat. Sadly, my greatest sense of victory all weekend was seeing the Ginger’s Hakeem Nicks sitting on the fantasy bench as he caught that deep sideline ball from Manning toward the game’s end. It gave me 25.90 reasons to laugh. Add that to the 1.90 chuckle that I got watching my man-crush Julio Jones look like a forgotten Monday Night NBC show. Sweet in defeat. That’s my motto now thanks to the Gingers.

FC Omaha (114.06) is flagged for a “Late Hit” while playing against Moneyballer (92.30)

FC Omaha already had Moneyballer beaten going into the Monday Night Game. So FC Omaha really could just sit back and watch Matt Ryan deliver one late hit after another to Moneyballer’s ego.

With perhaps the best arsenal of RBs who can remain out of jail, FC Omaha looks loaded for the long haul. Taking a chance on this little unknown named MJD may prove to be the best value pick from our draft. I liked FC Omaha’s roster on draft day; no superstars…just a very workmanlike approach up and down his roster. FC Omaha and Soccer Ginger could do no wrong this week.

After two games, Moneyballer is the lone door mat in the league at 0-2. After TE Gates was a late scratch, Moneyballer took the safe route with Heath Miller—instead of taking a gamble on fellow Charger TE Dante Rosario (Dawson). Some diehard Charger fan Moneyballer turned ou to be! Next game, Moneyballer travels to Panic City. In the meantime, Moneyballer may want to sneak into the Bills camp and do a Tonya Harding on RB Fred Jackson’s other knee. Because when Jackson returns to the Bills, C.J. Spiller will not be posting 29.00 points every week.

Now wasting away on Muhammad Massacre’s sidelines…

At press time, Moneyballer took a much earlier flight to Panic City—trading The-Stud-Formerly-Known-As-Chris-Johnson to Muhammad Massacre for Roddy White. I predict this is one of those fantasy trades that will actually hurt both teams. Flaming Bag of Poo actually floated a trade proposal for Chris Johnson—but only offered Betty White.

In her prime, Betty Davis would have been a great Minnesota Vikings cheerleader. (Hands off, Fran Tarkenton!)

ACLs From Hell (108.50) is flagged for a “Helmet-to-Helmet Hit” while playing against Muhammad Massacre (92.14)

In the matchup of one Brainiac Manning brother against another Brainiac Manning Brother, ACLs From Hell really led with his head by smartly choosing every healthy New York Giant against the Tampa Bay defense. Once again proving the absurdity of fantasy football over real football, Eli Manning may have helped his own fantasy cause by throwing those three early interceptions. Otherwise, the Buccaneers don’t score nearly as much—and the Giants rely on the ground game of a third-string running back.

Going into the Monday Night game, it didn’t feel like the ACLs could hold off MM. Thank goodness for sloppy MNF games with lots of interceptions, pass interference penalties, and running touchdowns by McGahee! Peyton Manning, Roddy White, and Demaryius Thomas combined for only 40.54 points. If I were Muhammad Massacre, I’d blame Peyton for hitting Thomas in the hands those two times in the end zone. But really, wasn’t the victory conceded the moment that Muhammad started RB Jonathan Dwyer? Your bench looks more like an inactive list.

USC Trojan Matt Barkley doesn’t know which way is up anymore…only down.

Yo, Muhammad! If The Unsportsmanlike League hosted a supplemental draft today, we would be willing to let you grab USC Trojan QB Matt Barkley with next year’s seventh round pick. So, if we hold you to it, will you take your beloved Trojan quarterback? (Face it, Barkley is just a more popular version of Blaine Gabbert!!!)

Of course, no mention of the ACLs is complete without an injury report. RB Bradshaw and Forte out for awhile with injuries. But the ACLs are playing a game of Russian Roulette, and it’s only a matter of time before one of his studs goes down with a more freakish injuries. With only 9.40 points out of Megatron, doesn’t that practically qualify as a Megatron injury???

Functioning Derelicts (84.14) is flagged for “Pass Interference” playing against Drunken Irishmen (80.82)

Functioning Derelicts managed to interfere with Drunken Irishmen passing him for the win on Monday Night. With a couple Matt Prater field goals, victory would belong to the Irish. But alas, Prater could only muster 2.60 points more than stud WR Larry Fitzgerald’s 0.40.

After cornering the market in Patriots last season, the luck of the Drunken Irishmen picked only one Patriot this season—TE Aaron Hernandez—now the only major Patriot on the IR. If you buy us all a six-pack, perhaps we’ll allow you to go back in time and yank TE Brent Celek’s 15.70 points off your bench for the win.

Functioning Derelicts barely held off Drunken Irishmen for the win–just as the Derelicts’ own bench barely held off his own starters for the high point total (84.14 vs. 89.04). Do you even know what you got on your team? Or are you just choosing your starters based on their mascots or the colors of their uniforms? You get both the Obama Award and the Romney Award this week. Victory to you for starting RB Reggie Bush (31.70) this week. Bonehead move that you almost lost him by offering to trade him to the ACLs. (Bigger Romney Award goes to the ACLs for not accepting that trade fast enough.)

But let’s not make complaints just because we can. I’m proud to live in a country where we can pretend to controls the lives of strong men against their own free will. In most Middle East countries, they simply refer to that as “an unjust political regime”.

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones at Halloween

We’re lucky that we play for the love of the game. Because if you’re an NFL replacement official who boasts on his Facebook about being a longtime fan of the New Orleans Saints, then you lose your scab job.

Is there any amount of money that the NFL could ever pay you NOT to be a fan of professional football? Think about it.

…only because the regular referees are still on strike.

Advertisements

About Flaming Bag of Poo

An un-safe place where sports, entertainment, and pop culture converge. Flaming Bag of Poo...A rather unique blog. Because sometimes you're on fire. (But most of the time, you just plain stink!) ------ Creator of the blogs FLAMING BAG OF POO and I SELL UNICORNS.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s