In the sports & entertainment world, it is never easy being famous like Eva Longoria.
Or beautiful like Eva Longoria.
And single like Eva Longoria.
Because Flaming Bag of Poo knows exactly how this 37-year old actress/restauranteur/philanthropist feels. We all need a little TLC every once in a while.
Twice-divorced (and recently ending a short relationship with New York Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez), this visible Mexican-American certainly deserves to find happiness. On top of her charitable work for developmentally disabled children and the Make-A-Wish Foundation, her commitment to Latino causes, and 2012 presidential campaigning for Barack Obama, Longoria still seeks a loving partner.
Longoria and her UnbeliEVAble Entertainment will be executive producing NBC’s “READY FOR LOVE” dating reality series (hosted by Giuliana & Bill Rancic).
But how can Longoria herself be ready for love when she still bears that tramp stamp reminder of cheating ex-husband Tony Parker on the back of her neck.
In case you forgot that the San Antonio Spurs All-Star point guard Tony Parker was French, he reminded you by cheating on this beautiful creature.
Reports now say that Longoria has already withstood several sessions of painful tattoo removal–with more still to come.
(Note: according to a recent Flaming Bag of Pool survey, the “Back-Neck” is considered the fourth sexiest physical feature on a woman behind boobs, ass, and eyes. Smile was a distant fifth.)
Eva…dahling…don’t put yourself through any further pain because of Tony’s ink-reminder!
There is a much easier, less painful remedy to tattoo removal treatments: just date another athlete who wears the #9!!!
Then Longoria can simply keep her back-neck tattoo.
And so Longoria can still truthfully say that she has never had any plastic surgery, any Photoshop touch-ups, or anything that isn’t 100% hereditary.
Surprisingly, the Niner (#9) is not as popular of a jersey number as professional sports fans might think.
An easy choice for this Latina cougar would be 22-year old Spanish National Team and Minnesota Timberwolves point guard, Ricard “Ricky” Rubio.
Sticking to her hunger for international cuisine, Longoria can also try sinking her teeth into something African (Serge Ibaka), Chinese (Yi Jianlian), or “Irish” (Rajon Rondo).
There are plenty of intriguing Niner options beyond pro basketball though.
While a point guard is traditionally the quarterback on any basketball team, on any football team, the quarterback actually is the quarterback. Married Niners like Tony Romo…
…and Drew Brees both share Longoria’s roots for Hurricane Alley.
When Mark Sanchez is being planted into the turf by opposing pass rusher, it’s easy for Longoria to have mistaken his #6 for a #9.
Unfortunately for Longoria, baseball offers no interesting matches for someone once dubbed an unprecedented #1 on Maxim Magazine’s “Hottest Female Stars” for both 2005 and 2006. Or #14 on FHM’s “Sexiest Women 2008” poll. Or 1998 Miss Corpus Christi in her home state of Texas where they grow Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders like cotton.
Baseball studs like Jeters and A-Rods aren’t members of the exclusive Niner Club.
On the otherhand, Ted Williams could offer Longoria a big stiff one–but probably not in the way this fiery Latina craves.
NASCAR even offers Niners like Bill Elliott…
and Kasey Kahne…
if Longoria ever wants to go a few laps with other controlling men at the wheel.
Soccer offers Niners like Chelsea’s Fernando Torres (also of the Spanish National Team)…
…or Anzhi Makhachkala’s Samuel Eto’o (also of the Cameroon National Team).
And if Longoria feels like experimenting like she did during her Texas A&M University-Kingsville sorority days, there’s also the pretty and talented Heather O’Reilly from the U.S. Women’s Soccer National Team!
Desperate Housewives have been known to experiment every now and then…
Finally, beyond the world of sports, it might be a stretch, but fellow actor Mickey Rourke of “9 ½ Weeks” might be willing to tattoo the “1/2” onto her neck with a dirty fingernail.
Beso, Eva! Feel free to favorite “Flaming Bag of Poo” on Match.com.
Because we famous, beautiful, single people were meant to be matched with each other.