“God, people are bored.”
That’s Kobe Bryant muttering through a death stare to the media following the Los Angeles Lakers fourth loss in its first five games of the 2012-2013 season under Head Coach Mike Brown.
But you gotta hand it to Kobe, the competitor. He hasn’t gone all grand-Diva yet. As a team player, he is saying all the right things in support of the coach’s new offense. Expectations have never been this high since the last All-Star disappointment with Kobe, Shaq, the Mailman, and the Glove.
It hardly matters that no Laker fan can explain the Princeton offense. Those same fans could never explain the Triangle offense either—except it was boring, but the team won.
Forget Magic. This Lakers offense needs a miracle!
So while rumors about Mike Brown’s future are now finally true, Flaming Bag of Poo weighs in on some possible coaching replacements now that Jim Buss has caved into media and public pressure to make a premature switch.
Here are ten outside-the-box candidates to replace Mike Brown as Head Coach of the Los Angeles.
Jack Nicholson is practically sitting on the Lakers bench anyway. If there is any fan who has seen enough of Kobe to try his hand at coaching the Black Mamba, can you think of anyone better qualified? Jack can go over “A Few Good Men” on Kobe: “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!”
Mike Brown’s Princeton offense doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe that is because Brown isn’t Princeton! (Ivy League pun, people!) So why not hire Princeton basketball’s greatest offensive threat to teach the Lakers? Bill Bradley–the former senator, former presidential candidate, and former Sports Illustrated cover boy–has more credentials than the current head coach who never logged a single minute in an actual NBA game.
The Los Angeles Clippers are suddenly the most exciting and winning NBA tenant inside the Staples Center. Jerry Buss might want to wander down the hall and steal from the Clippers bench for its new head coach. Clippers Assistant Coach Marc Iavaroni comes from enough playoff winning coaching staffs (Phoenix, Miami, Cleveland). Sure, maybe Iavaroni hasn’t been with the Clips long enough to earn the reputation for developing Chris Paul and Blake Griffin. But he isn’t getting in the Talent’s way either. Attribute that to solid coaching. Stealing from the Clippers would pretty much validate the cross-arena rivalry.
All summer on sports talk shows across Southern California, fans and media have been clamoring for the return of a legendary basketball coach to come out of retirement to save this group of under-achieving All-Stars. Phil Jackson??? Heck, no! Flaming Bag of Poo is talking about legendary women’s basketball coach Pat Summitt!!! Eight NCAA National Championships. Seven NCAA Coach of the Year awards. 1,098 career coaching victories. Alzheimer’s Disease won’t slow Summitt down. In fact, Summitt has already forgotten more about basketball strategy than Brown has ever learned.
Throw away the Princeton offense. Bryant and Nash need to run the picket fence! Has there ever been a better sports movie coach than Gene Hackman? Go, Hickory! Go, Hollywood!
Our 16th U.S. President is everywhere you look these days. So why not join the Lakers bench? There hasn’t been a bigger stiff on the sidelines since Adam Morrison and his two championship rings left via the underground railroad. Considering all the Lakers’ night games, I’d favor Vampire Hunter Abraham Lincoln over Daniel Day-Lewis Abraham Lincoln. It will give a whole new meaning to the phrase, “There’s a dagger right through the heart” whenever Kobe drills a trey in the fourth quarter.
Star Wars 7, 8, and 9 cannot possibly produce as much drama and suspense as the Lakers storyline. To get the most out-of-this-world performances from Superman, Black Mamba, and the rest of this rag-tag band of overpaid millionaires, let’s see if George Lucas has enough special FX to salvage the latest sequel to Showtime. Besides, Chewbacca has got nothing on Metta World Peace.
Is there any better talent evaluator these days than Simon Cowell? Cowell can deal with all the Laker egos. Mainly because his ego will dwarf them all. He is the missing “X Factor” for the Lakers this season. If he can handle all of Paula Abdul’s personalities, he should be fine with all the Lakers’ personalities.
Yes, I realize that Barack Obama is about to sign a new four-year deal with America. But the Lakers are even more popular than the Democrats in California. The Commander-in-Chief might even be able to bring along his own Secretary of Defense to add to his bench. Offense and Defense: the winning ticket for 2012.
The Republican Party would gladly dip into the leftover Romney/Ryan campaign funds to eat the rest of Mike Brown’s contract so that the Buss family can afford to sign Obama.
Of course, the Republicans might want to campaign for Mitt Romney to take L.A.’s Oval Office—otherwise known as the Staples Center. Otherwise, Romney has no other way of staying in the spotlight until 2016. But if Romney coaches, the Lakers are destined to always lose to the swing state teams: Cleveland Cavaliers, Miami Heat, Detroit Pistons, Milwaukee Bucks and Carolina Bobcats.
If Kobe and the Lakers want to run a real, high-powered fast-break offense, look no further than Oregon Ducks Head Coach Chip Kelly. The Lakers already have the ultimate fast-break quarterback in Steve Nash. Even Nike would take Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard, and Pau Gasol over LaMichael James, Kenyon Barner, and D’Anthony Thomas. Imagine seeing end-of-the-bench players like Devin Ebanks and Chris Duhon waving those crazy four-quadrant pictorial playcards for Chip Kelly to communicate to Steve Nash as he dribbles the ball upcourt.
Using the Oregon Ducks break-neck pace, the Lakers offense could average 160 points—which is about twice the current average under the Mike Brown Princeton offensive scheme.
And wouldn’t it be cool to see the Lakers wear 82 different version of the purple-and-gold uniforms throughout the season? Hey, think about all the new merchandising possibilities!
Come on, Jim Buss. This next coaching hire could be your signature move. Think outside the box-and-one, and hire a more innovative head coach to replace Mike Brown.
Because boring just doesn’t play in Hollywood. Mike Brown may as well be the director of Ishtar. This Princeton offense has proven to be the Ishtar of basketball strategies. And that could severely cost the Lakers.