Earlier this week, the National Football League announced its full schedule for the 2012 regular season.
These days, about the only difference between the NFL and the remaining World Superpowers is nuclear weapon capability.
NFL.com
Although many fans would argue that the NFL is already “da bomb!”
Seriously, have I not been playing fantasy football long enough to realize that the NFL has created its own primetime TV event to announce that the Browns will play the Cowboys in Week 11?
I guess this is the NFL’s attempt to mimic CBS unveiling the March Madness tournament brackets.
Two rings...and yet, still considered "the other Manning brother."
Broadcasting the NFL Draft…OK, I understand that.
Broadcasting the NFL Combines…OK, even I DVR’ed those.
Broadcasting the NFL preseason…OK, every fantasy football player will want to see if Trent Richardson will be worth taking as your second running back.
Well played, Roger Goodell! Well played.
The NFL is indeed a World Superpower to be reckoned with!
Flaming Bag of Poo took a long, hard look at these match-ups.
But really, the whole time, Flaming Bag of Poo had only one thing on his mind: is it too early to announce the date of my fantasy league’s draft party???
In addition to my candle collection, my conversation-starting dress shoes, and the one bottle of Pinot Grigio that remains on my wine rack, a fourth reason that Flaming Bag of Poo just might be gay is that I send out very elaborate event invitations far in advance. Yes, the Poo is a planner.
Naturally, I consulted the foremost authority on planning fantasy football draft parties.
Nope, not Chris Berman.
Nope, not Mel Kiper Jr.
Miss Manners.
Yes, Miss Manners…the authority of etiquette and behavior.
A must-read. Especially for Oakland Raider fans.
Because professional football epitomizes everything decent and good about the world today, right?
In Chapter 22 of Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, she writes:
“Sending an Email, an Evite, or a Facebook Event Invitation for your fantasy league draft party too late–and your guest may already be booked for his/her work league draft party. Sending it too early, and it might be misplaced or forgotten during the busy spring mock draft or free agent season. Careful timing should always be maintained by the League Commish.”
See. Is it any wonder that Miss Manners and Emily Post have been around longer than Al Michaels?
The defending champion New York Giants open the season hosting the Dallas Cowboys on Wednesday night, September 5th. Fantasy Football purists usually waited until after the preseason games ended before hosting their draft parties.
This year, preseason games end on Thursday, August 30th.
Labor Day falls on September 3rd. Unfortunately, every fantasy league has one high-maintenance fantasy owner who will be out-of-town that weekend when it would have been perfect to host a draft party while watching the first weekend of college football games.
But that one out-of-town douche bag insists on being in attendance for any draft party (instead of Skyping or conference calling).
Yet that same douche bag wasn’t willing to blow off his/her sister’s wedding that the sister planned for Napa Valley that long holiday weekend. (There are pockets of Napa Valley with spotty mobile and internet service connection.)
And let’s not even get started on the future-brother-in-law-groom who agreed to get married during football season!!!
MARRIAGE DEAL-BREAKER #1 for Flaming Bag of Poo: bride insists on getting married during the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament or NFL regular and playoff season. August NFL preseason is OK. Kentucky Derby weekend is negotiable, but I better be sure that she’s “the one”—otherwise, Poo will ruin all future Derby weekend getting drunk off Mint Juleps and wondering how and when my filly turned into a real nag.
The best weekends to get married are always this time of year: when there’s nothing but baseball and meaningless NBA games (as teams get “positioned” for the drawn-out playoffs). Mid-April through mid-August.
Is it any wonder that Flaming Bag of Poo is still single, ladies?!?!
[But that’s a different Miss Manners chapter to read, entirely.]
Mark your calendar now, my “Unsportsmanlike League”! (Yeah, I didn’t pick that sorry name. Our real Commish picked it. And he doesn’t even have a cool blog like Flaming Bag of Poo to defend himself. So, yes, stupid fantasy league name!)
Thursday night, August 30th for OUR fantasy football draft party.
Yes, some might argue that the Tuesday night, September 4th would be a better night for a draft party–since that’s the final week leading up to the first weekend’s games. But 62% of fantasy league owners participate in more than one league. (Yes, I made up that statistic. But it FEELS right!)
So, you want to do your most important league soonest (but not premature) if you abide by the correct behavioral rules of Miss Manners. Much of the fun and excitement is seeing a competitor accidentally choose a third tight end in round 12 because they weren’t totally prepared like you.
Start mentally preparing dates for your various fantasy draft parties:
* Your fantasy football league with drinking buddies from your favorite watering hole.
* Your fantasy football league with college buddies so you all return to your college town each year for the draft party so you can reminisce when you were still young and hot.
* Your fantasy football league with co-workers, so that you can get paid while participating in all the conversations at work on Monday morning.
* Your fantasy football league with co-workers from your previous employer, since you won that league once and nobody can walk away from old glory.
* Your fantasy football league with your family members–even though one family member who only chooses players from his/her hometown team,
* Your fantasy football league of all-chicks. Sort of like the fantasy league equivalent of mooning Augusta National Golf Club.
Thursday, August 30th @ 7:00pm. I’ll already start making reservations at a good local bar that has preseason TV coverage and reliable WiFi.
However, in an ideal fantasy world, we are conducting our draft on Sunday, September 2nd at a resort in Las Vegas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"We vow, that if any of us fails to update our line-ups to remove injured or bye-week players, then we owe a good bottle of scotch to each fantasy owner."
***
Survey: in this day and age of online drafts, what’s wrong with still using chalkboards and whiteboards to still display each team’s picks? An attractive BarFly is certainly not going to stare over your shoulder to glance at your iPad and say, “So, who drafted Wes Welker? Because I love Wes Welker, and anyone who loves Wes Welker?”
Strippers still prefer whiteboards, gentlemen.
(4/20/12)
Flaming Bag of Poo 