Every Big Dance Needs Its Own Cinderella. Here is the Big Dance-off between Anthony Davis vs. Katherine Jenkins!

In the closing minutes of the Big Dance (a/k/a the 2012 NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship on CBS), I reached my second important epiphany of the night. Let me say this: my first two epiphanies did not make me very happy.

For those of you who might have abandoned college after only a year as a one-and-done—like most of the Kentucky Wildcat basketball team—then maybe I should define the word “E-P-I-P-H-A-N-Y” for you.

EPIPHANY (n) – that moment of extreme and sudden insight into the reality or essential meaning of something that had escaped you before.

Something that causes you to raise your eyebrows. Or in Anthony Davis’ case, one tremendously famous unibrow.

For example, during the Kenucky-Kansas NCAA championship game, I had my first epiphany halfway through the second half that Kansas. I realized that Kansas was only trying to cover the 6.5 point spread. I based this on the sloppy way they were playing. Heck, Jim Beam, even the CBS announcers mentioned over and over again how Kansas just needed to keep the game close.

Close?!?! Shouldn’t the announcers be emphasizing what Kansas needs to do to actually win the game?!?!

So with Kansas turnovers mounting, and with Kentucky grabbing seemingly every loose ball and defensive rebound, I reached my second epiphany: I was too bored to watch the closing minutes toward Kentucky’s inevitable on-court celebration.

So, Flaming Bag of Poo picks up the remote and began channel-surfing.

“The Voice” on NBC? Ugh. Frankly, the Poo never understand the fascination with reality star singers.

A blackout on the CW, thanks to a dispute between DirecTV and Tribune. Isn’t this where that cutie Leighton Meister calls home?

Oh, well.

On ABC, there is…“Dancing With the Stars”.

The channel surfing stops here.

“Stop the press. Who’s that?”

Katherine Jenkins! (step aside, Vicki Vale.)

Do you know who Katherine Jenkins is? (Nope, neither does Flaming Bag of Poo.)

Do you know what Katherine Jenkins is famous for? (Nope, neither does Flaming Bag of Poo.)

But the Poo watches this angelic Katherine Jenkins in this white ballroom gown…and all I hear is Luther Vandross singing “One Shining Moment”. Yes, Katherine, that’s OUR song!

And she owns the floor better than Wildcat player-of-the-year Anthony Davis does. Ms. Jenkins has more moves than Jayhawk point guard Tyshawn Taylor.

Flaming Bag of Poo does love his reality television, almost as much as the Poo loves sports. But the Poo had no clue who Katherine Jenkins is. Or what she does well aside bounce around the floor while waltzing.

(Yes, Flaming Bag of Poo knows enough about waltzing to know that good ballroom dancers shouldn’t actually bounce. But trust me, while she glided smoothly across the dance floor, parts of her were still bouncing. The good parts!!!)

12.7% of last night’s audience knows what I mean. The 12.7% straight guys who represent boyfriends and husbands forced to watch DWTS with their girlfriends and wives.

I had to Google “Katherine Jenkins”. British Mezzo soprano. Essentially, a hotter, more talented version of Baby Spice.

With much better lungs, I might add!

If you can’t trust Flaming Bag of Poo, then certainly, you should trust Google Images.

Seriously, Google Images, there wasn’t one non-hot photo of Katherine Jenkins. In fact, I got all these just from Google’ing the search phrase “ugly Katherine Jenkins”.

Flaming Bag of Poo also tried to Google “hot British women”, but Google Images told me, “images cannot be found”.

I hope the development executives at ABC are paying attention. Here is your next “Bachelorette”.

Katherine Jenkins. She sings and dances her way into your heart.

And now, for the first time ever, my DVR is now set to record DWTS.

And there was my third and final epiphany for the night. I must stay tuned to see if this Katherine “Cinderella” Jenkins can bring home the championship.

Cue Luther Vandross for Ms. Jenkins’ next performance to “One Shining Moment”.

ONE SHINING MOMENT, IT’S ALL ON THE LINE
ONE SHINING MOMENT, THERE FROZEN IN TIME

ONE SHINING MOMENT, YOU REACHED DEEP INSIDE
ONE SHINING MOMENT, YOU KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE

ONE SHINING MOMENT, YOU REACHED FOR THE SKY
ONE SHINING MOMENT, YOU KNEW
ONE SHINING MOMENT, YOU WERE WILLING TO TRY
ONE SHINING MOMENT….

(4/3/12)

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