For quite some time, I always had trouble distinguishing between blonde actresses Julie Bowen and Elizabeth Banks.
So before you shrug me off and say that you don’t care, let me point out that really…you do care!
If I told you that I was comparing the hit TV show “MODERN FAMILY” against the hit TV show “30 ROCK”, you would weigh in.
If I told you that I was comparing the hit TV show “LOST” against the hit TV show “SCRUBS”, you would weigh in.
But if I asked you which one of these perky blonde actresses starred in the romantic comedy DEFINITELY MAYBE…
…you’d probably pause, wonder, and then finally make a guess—even if you saw this grossly under-rated rom com and adored it’s relatively unique story structure as much as I did! But that’s like me gushing over Atlanta rookie WR Julio Jones. We can’t always predict who we’ll have a crush on.
It’s that time of the year in fantasy football leagues when you re-examine some of your choices and try to determine if they pass the “Eyeball Test”.
What’s the “Eyeball Test”, you ask?
The “Eyeball Test” sums up the very first attributes that we notice when watching a potential superstar. In most cases, we apply the Eye Ball Test to athletes.
In this first case, I’m applying the Eye Ball Test to Julie Bowen and Elizabeth Banks. To the naked eye, they look alike. Roughly the same height, roughly the same physique, roughly the same shade of blonde. If they were both college senior wideouts at the NFL Combines, we’d be comparing their 4-yard dash times to separate the two.
That’s why—up until recently—I couldn’t tell the difference. It was easy for me to remember that Elizabeth Banks was the star of “MODERN FAMILY”, and Julie Bowen played Zach Braff’s girlfriend in “SCRUBS”. Or wait a minute, did Julie Bowen always play the love interest in “Zack & Miri Make a Porno”? And maybe I should change my name to Zach/Zack if the name itself is like flypaper for waifish young blondes who make more money than I do!
What does this have to do with our Unsportsmanlike League???
It has everything to do with our Unsportsmanlike League. Because now we’ve reached the stretch of bye-weeks. And now you must find identical replacements for your superstars.
To tackle the undefeated CHENGRI-LA, I had to replace my oft-injured superstar WR Dez Bryant. And with BARDSDALE BRAWLERS’s own stud WR Andre Johnson down with a bad hammie, I scooped up his back-up WR Jacoby Jones.
Why not? Jacoby Jones seemed to pass the Eye Ball Test. Jones is 6”2, while Johnson is 6”3. Squint your eyes, and they could pass for each other—except of course, it was QB Matt Schaub actually passing them the ball.
Unfortunately for me, the Eye Ball Test failed me. And then Jacoby Jones failed me. If Jones had more than one catch (in eleven targets) against the Raiders—including a poor route on the final play where Schaub was intercepted in the end zone—it might have given me a fighting chance. Instead, Jones won me 0.90 points. And if you’re keeping score at home, that’s exactly 0.90 points more than TEUFLE HUNDEN got combined out of two starting WRs who were on bye-weeks.
FLAMING BAG OF POO’s entire roster Week #5 fantasy point totals looked like other team’s first half scoring updates. Going into the MNF Bears-Lions game, with me trailing CHENGRI-LA by 50 points, I thought maybe QB Stafford and the Lions offense would make it close. Nope. Instead, I’m getting used to these beat-downs. I’ve been very consistent this season; when I lose, I lose big! 69.86 against 100.20.
CHENGRI-LA continues to make the 1972 Miami Dolphins fantasy football team sweat. He’s now 5-0. Keep the champagne chilling until next week,Bob Griese. Even the interception-prone QB Eli Manning proved to be a solid pick-up for 24.30 points. You could have made all the wrong moves managing your roster, and still have beaten me. I cursed every time that my TE Finley booted a third-down pass so that you could bring out your K Crosby and make a 35-yard FG. It looks like the rest of us will be cheering for the
DRUNKEN IRISHMEN to knock you off.
DRUNKEN IRISHMEN held off BLINDSIDE TAYLORS for the week’s narrowest win 105.28 to 100.04. RB Adrian Peterson looked like the first overall pick with those three early touchdowns—carrying Cardinals CB into the end zone with him like he was carrying a man purse. (If AP owns a man purse, I say that’s OK, because I ain’t gonna mess with him and tell him that he runs like a girl with a purse.) At one point, AP was on pace for a100 fantasy point game, until the Cardinals defense managed to keep in check with 30.20 points. I’m thinking about picking up the Cardinals defense…or the Buccaneers defense. Meanwhile, Welker, Jackson, and Matthews posted respectable numbers. The more shocking thing was seeing all the points that you left on the bench this week….Best (23.20), Davis (15.60), Branch (13.40), and the law firm (26.90). Let’s see what you can do when you’re forced to bring the right guys off the bench.
BLINDSIDE TAYLORS took a hard-luck loss. If she had her preference, there would be an asterisk next to Week #5. Still, she adds to her overall season point total with a decent league. You could almost say that her starters were all in double-figures, because even though WR Reggie Wayne only managed 7.70 points—when you have the Legend of Curtis Painter throwing to you, it feels like 15.40 points. All her starters do is rack up points. And all her bench players do is not rack up points. This should make for some interesting bye-weeks ahead. Be on the lookout for her first free agent pick-up. Or will she even need to make one? Maybe that’s what she’s doing…she’s toying with the rest of us…by proving that she could be a formidable threat with one starter on a bye week every time!!!
By that criteria, TEUFLE HUNDEN would be twice as formidable. In an alternate universe, Peyton Manning was throwing touchdowns to WR Brandon Marshall and WR Santana Moss over on the sidelines. Couple that with Mendenhall’s early injury, it’s probably safe to say that MONEYBALLER would have won this matchup anyway (94.34 to 50.86). I still see the name “Mike Thomas” on your roster, and keep wondering if he’s a sideline sports reporter—instead of the Jags starting WR.
This is a good spot to provide a public service announcement: People, go into your bye weeks already and bench your bye week players. There are 74 more shopping days until Christmas, and 6 more NFL bye weeks. Plan ahead now. Don’t wait until the last minute. Or else you’ll be buying 50% off red-and-green champagne flutes the day after. And nobody really wants that.
And in my favorite trash-talking matchup (that doesn’t involve me), BARDSDALE BRAWLERS battled FUNCTIONING DERELICTS to climb out of the cellar. It looks like BARDSDALE made certain to get the most out of it’s WRs in the last of the pre-Tebow era. Still, you never know with a wildcard like Tebow. Defenses are going to be lining up to knock Tebow back to Gainesville, so it may leave your WRs wide open thirty yards down field—assuming Tebow can throw the ball 30 yards. RB McFadden paid tribute to late great Al Davis with his 6.80 points; to McFadden’s credit, I heard he at least sent flowers. WR Bowe and RB Jackson helped keep you respectable, because that’s all Al Davis ever wanted was some respect. Finally, smart pick-up snatching WR Cruz! (Insert your own joke here).
After being on suicide watch for the first three weeks, FUNCTIONING DERELICTS came alive to win the Week #5 honors after his near-point win last week. This is where fantasy football sucks when QB Vick connect with four Buffalo Bills players right between the numbers, and yet, still muster 25.60 fantasy points in a loss. Your roster is nothing flashy, but you may be well-positioned for an amazing run. In my mind, you may be the greatest Week #6 roster that I’ve ever seen!!!
Of course, I’m doing my best impression of Bill Belichek, because FLAMING BAG OF POO matches up against FUNCTIONING DERELICTS this weekend. I can only hope that Michael Vick has another four interceptions left in him this week. How come I don’t catch you with all your players on a bye week???
So, Unsportsmanlike fans, let’s see if you can make the right choices during these upcoming bye weeks. You might think your players are interchangeable, but they really aren’t.
I used to think blonde actresses Julie Bowen and Elizabeth Banks were totally interchangeable.
(Oct. 11, 2011)