Chip Kelly is the one for DeSean Jackson. Deal with it, player.
These days, there is no bigger reality television than sports. And even during the off-season full of reruns, the NFL airs its original dirty laundry. And it’s still so compelling!
Few reality TV shows on-the-air right now remain as compelling as the off-season social dating experiment between Philadelphia Eagles standout wide receiver DeSean Jackson and its second-year head coach Chip Kelly. Based on last year’s pilot episode (the 2013-2014 NFL season), Jackson’s blazing speed and Kelly’s quick-tempo offense schemes seemed like a match made in heaven for Eagles fans.
Instead, that once perfect match is falling apart this week quicker than any drunken hook-up witnessed on MTV’s hit reality dating social experiment “Are You The One?”
NFL owners and general managers—huddled together for the NFL Owners meetings in Orlando this week—are tuning into this unraveling social experiment. If ratings could be measured in large market owners, then the Jackson-Kelly drama would be bigger than the last Super Bowl!
Like every other sexy player on “Are You The One?”, Jackson overcompensates for his lack of self-awareness by manipulating others (the media) for his own gain. Already getting $10.5 million after shining in his best statistical season under Chip Kelly’s up-tempo offense, Jackson is saying one thing–while his body language says the opposite. Jackson’s perfect match is standing right in front of him, and he doesn’t even know it!
Please, DeSean, don’t fool around no mo’! Don’t fall for the unique glitz and glamour of a slimmed-down Rex Ryan. Don’t fall for a recently blossomed California blonde like Mike McCoy. Don’t try to make your old flame jealous by sitting down to dinner with a sexy rival like Tom Coughlin.
MTV just picked up “Are You The One?” for a second season. That’s exactly what Jackson needs to do—pick up Kelly’s offense for another season. Even on concocted dating shows with endless booze and tropical weather, chemistry and compatibility don’t reveal themselves immediately.
Jackson is getting too old for the NFL-equivalent of a one-night stand. Stick around. Play it out. None of those other MTV island babes (Jacy, Shanley, Jessica, Coleysia, Paige, Amber, Ashley, Simone, Brittany, and even Ole Miss belle Kayla) or any other NFL coach will be as good as what you got now. Stay and make sweet with Coach Kelly! C’mon, Number Ten, do that sexy, sexy, that only you know how to do.
Chip Kelly and his offense is the only one for you! Dude, go kiss and make up, fast! Use that lightning speed of yours, and run back to the Eagles with your tail between your legs.
Or else you might find yourself being led on by one of Geno Smith’s errant throws across the middle—straight into the wake-up call that is the hard side of a Patriots’ free safety helmet. And it will be too late to go back to that Philly of a lover that you jilted with your words (and not just your actions, Jackson!)
Flaming Bag of Poo 