EXCLUSIVE!!! We Reveal the Shocking Truth That Will Embarrass the NCAA! eHarmony Algorithm Created the 2012 BCS Title Match-up Between LSU-Alabama

Can you believe that Flaming Bag of Poo was once rejected by eHarmony?

Yes, the most handsome blog on the internet today…rejected! Rejected by a faceless website that has a solid job, a healthy annual income,

OK, I’m not telling you the real truth.

Flaming Bag of Poo was rejected TWICE by eHarmony. Basically, I’m being told that I’m not suitable for matching. Yet there are plenty of felons, sex-offenders, cheaters, gigolos, vandals, dropouts, stinky people with bad breath, and lawyers who find matches on eHarmony.

eHarmony relies on a supposed “29 Dimensions of Compatibility” to extrapolate someone’s attitudes, beliefs, and personality.

Basically, the good folks at eHarmony Labs have taken all the fun out of those awkward drunken hook-ups, and these relationship experts are telling us that the best match-ups rely on:

1. Self-Concept
2. Emotional Status
3. Emotional Energy
4. Physical Energy
5. Obstreperousness
6. Romantic Passion
7. Sexual Passion
8. Character
9. Kindness
10. Dominance
11. Sociability
12. Autonomy
13. Adaptability
14. Intellect
15. Curiosity
16. Humor
17. Artistic Passion
18. Industriousness
19. Appearance
20. Communication Style
21. Anger Management
22. Mood Management
23. Conflict Resolution
24. Traditionalism
25. Ambition
26. Altruism
27. Family Background
28. Family Status and Goals
29. Education

Based on this criteria, Flaming Bag of Poo was rejected because the Poo must not have any attitudes…any beliefs…nor any personality worth matching with any single woman out there in cyberspace.

...My main fantasy football squeeze remains former 'Bama wide receiver Julio Jones

It all started for me when a female co-worker of mine repeatedly insisted that my love life would be greatly enhanced by eHarmony. She (married) supposedly considered me to a good catch for some lucky single woman. Her reasoning? Well, I had never been audited by the IRS. I don’t live with my parents–or with a cat. I have a full head of hair, but none on my back. I know never to take my date to Olive Garden for our first date.

Still, I was not a believer in eHarmony. Or Match.com. Or pretty much any online dating services. Call me crazy, but I still believe in the compatibility and chemistry that arises out of two people who meet face-to-face. A dying breed.

But during one late night at work, curiosity finally got the best of me. I deviated from my Powerpoint presentation-in-progress, and took the eHarmony questionnaire. It was more exhausting than most of my job interviews.

Flaming Bag of Poo is an honest, consistent guy fairly in touch with his feelings. In fact, aside from the numerous cheerleader photos on this website, some friends might say that I have sensibilities of a Catholic school girl.

So imagine my surprise, when after an hour of eHarmony questioning, eHarmony rejects me. It won’t even try to match me up with anyone. If you haven’t been rejected by a computer/website before, this is what it sounds like:

So, in essence, eHarmony would not be a waste of my time—it would be a waste of their time!

I printed out eHarmony’s response and stuck it in an interoffice envelope for my co-worker. She read it, and told me that I must have done something wrong. Perhaps I was too “safe” with my answers…too middle-of-the-road. (I don’t think I’ll ever be mistaken as a safe or middle-of-the-road kind of guy.)

A month later, using a different email address, I took the eHarmony questionnaire again. This time, I told me, “Don’t be safe.” Thus, if meant “most of the time”, I instead wrote “always”. If I meant “3 on a scale of 1-10”, I instead wrote a “1”. I even emphasized my Catholic background, even though I confess, the last time that I went to confession, preppy clothes might still have been in style.

I couldn’t outsmart the stupid eHarmony computers; I was rejected a second time.

The BCS computers are no smarter than your average eHarmony algorithm. They could have paired LSU’s defense against the Oklahoma State Cowboys’ high-powered offense. They could have matched LSU’s Honey Badgers against a Stanford Cardinal QB who has his PhD in WWW (Winning Without Weapons). They could have matched the rebellious LSU with that innocent rural chick they call the Boise State Broncos.


We get another LSU-Alabama rematch for the offense-impaired.

There was no magic before when these two SEC Southern kids danced earlier in the season.

There should be no love the second time around.

LSU won't just kiss and make-up in this re-match-up

It’ll be like FOOTLOOSE…but minus all the dance scenes.

LSU-Alabama in the BCS Championship game will be more like the FOOTLOOSE 2011 version…spunky Southern girls like Julianne Hough, but nothing that we haven’t seen before!

Julianne Hough is probably more of a BYU Cougars fan...

Tonight’s pairing of #1 vs. (supposed) #2 may be the least anticipated Bowl Championship Series game since the Michigan vs. Ohio State rematch back in 2006. For anyone under fifty years old and with a complete set of teeth, who really wants to see LSU-Alabama together outside of their regular season match-up?

Just how did the computers spit out this supposed “dream match-up” for a National Championship game based on the compatibility of Bayou Bengals…

eHarmony squad from LSU

and the Crimson Tide?

eHarmony squad of the Crimson Tide

1. Self-Concept – A tiger is a tiger, but what is a Crimson Tide? It sure doesn’t mean elephant!

2. Emotional Status – Coach Les Miles is pretty wry, but this is the school that produced the immature bust known as JaMarcus Russell. Coach Nick Saban looks ready to lose it at the drop of a Bear Bryant hat. Emotionally clueless best sums it up.

3. Emotional Energy – Neither team engages in the world around them outside of their own state. Unless it’s through the media. Welcome to the South!

4. Physical Energy – Traditionally, the strength of these teams have been the no-necks and gargantuan linemen. But in the Deep South, even Charles Barkley is considered a possible candidate for public office; he’s from the state of Alabama, so I’ll give LSU the superiority nod.

5. Obstreperousness – The entire SEC (other than the princesses at Vanderbilt) are all bullies, so at least here, LSU and Bama match-up really well.

6. Romantic Passion – Romance in the southeast consists of a six-pack and shot gun. SEC wedding planners call it, “Wedding Package #2”.

7. Sexual Passion – LSU kids will give it up fast in any pick-up truck. Alabama kids will do the same, but they have to pray first, and they feel more guilty about it—until the next time it happens.

8. Character – you can’t spell academic suspension with out the S-E-C. OK, there’s another match on paper.

9. Kindness – these teams hate each other almost as much as they hate Auburn. Let’s face, it they don’t like anyone except their own kind.

10. Dominance – can anyone ever really dominate the SEC? At least LSU took out the whips and chains on the Oregon Ducks. Kent State was Bama’s bitch.

11. Sociability – LSU has Mardi Gras. Alabama had the Ku Klux Klan. You be the judge.

12. Autonomy – It always feels like LSU spends every Saturday night at home. Just saying.

13. Adaptability – LSU always adapts to a quarterback controversy—and yet still keeps its offensive mistakes to a minimum. That amounts to a winning tradition under Les Miles. Bama anoints one guy—usually the brainiest white kid on the team with the least natural athletic talent—to be quarterback.

14. Intellect – There is no such thing as the “Ivy League of the Deep South”. But a Bama QB almost became a Rhodes scholar. An LSU QB definitely became the biggest NFL Draft Bust.

15. Curiosity – LSU wanted to check out the new Cowboys Stadium earlier this season. Bama wanted to check out the house crumbling around Joe Paterno.

16. Humor – Les Miles is the same entertaining loose screw that you’re likely to find on Bourbon Street. If Nick Saban ever laughed, it would remind me of the Disney villain Jafar’s laugh from ALADDIN.

17. Artistic Passion – Les Miles is a trick play genius. Nick Saban’s idea of a trick play is a handoff to the fullback.

18. Industriousness – Nick Saban is so industrious, I feel like he’s doing the third announcer on any CBS broadcast of a Crimson Tide game. His Bama teams always seem to outwork the other team—even when they lose.

19. Appearance – Alabama’s uniforms would look more stylish with a splash of old school houndstooth splashed over their Crimson jerseys. Anyone have the phone number to the Nike folks who design the Oregon uniforms?

20. Communication Style – Alabama has a more direct style than LSU. Alabama will ram the ball down your throat with their tailbacks. LSU dances around the problem—usually on a punt/kickoff return.

21. Anger Management – Nick Saban looks ready to snap at any time on anyone. At least Les Miles only snaps at the media when they ask him about the Michigan head coach opening.

22. Mood Management – Les Miles in an interview reminds me of Hannibal Lechter having a chat with Clarice Starling. Nick Saban reminds me of Tommy Lee Jones’ character in THE FUGITIVE.

23. Conflict Resolution – Les looks like he can kill you with kindness. Nick looks like he can kill you if you criticize his conservative play-calling.

24. Traditionalism – Bear Bryant. Advantage, Bama.

Bare Bryant's grand-daughter. True story.

25. Ambition – Nick Saban is the highest paid coach in the NCAA; no doubt, that his current players are, too.

26. Altruism – LSU players helped to fill sandbags to fight back the flood waters. Of course, none of the current players were around when that happened, but LSU gets plenty of mileage off of that story. Somehow, court-mandated community service work just doesn’t tug at the heartstrings in the same way.

27. Family Background – an Auburn sociology study reports that there is more inbreeding in Tuscaloosa than there is in Baton Rouge. This makes for prettier white quarterbacks and cheerleaders.

28. Family Status and Goals – I could not find the ESPN statistic which shows whether there are more Baby Daddys on the LSU roster or the Alabama roster.

29. Education – The most recent Graduation Success Rate (GSR) for the LSU football team was a 77. Alabama’s GSR was a 69 (but in the school’s official press release, you had to search for this statistic buried underneath the misleading quotes praising the athletic program because of the high GSRs from the women’s golf, women’s soccer, women’s softball and women’s tennis teams.

Thanks, a lot, eHarmony for sponsoring the Bowl Championship Series. Not very compatible.

BCS Prediction:  LSU will really stick it into Bama.  What an incompatible match-up for a finale!

You should have sent the Crimson Tide one of those same “UNABLE TO MATCH YOU AT THIS TIME” auto-reply messages when the final BCS standings were calculated.