While the rest of the Tebow-loving world bashes Chicago Bears running back Marion Barber for absent-mindedly running out of bounds during the final two minutes of Sunday’s game against Denver (which gave the Broncos enough time to kick a game-tying field goal), FLAMING BAG OF POO is going to defend Marion Barber.
Yes, you heard Poo right. FLAMING BAG OF POO defends the poor guy. (Although it’s cowardly that Barber historically avoids the media, when he should publicly own up for his mistakes so that his teammates don’t have to waste time defending him during post-game interviews.)
Marion Barber suffered from a severe case of “stuporperformance”. When he needed his best effort, he delivered his worst effort instead. In the soon-approaching off-season for the Bears, Marion Barber should host a telethon for “stuporperformance”. It’s a national epidemic being spread like a viral outbreak because of Twitter, Facebook, and iPhones.
The only known immunization against “stuporperformance” is owning an analog phone. (Or a mobile phone like Gordon Gekko used in “Wall Street”).
FLAMING BAG OF POO sympathizes with Marion Barber. This past weekend, when FLAMING BAG OF POO needed one last win to make the Unsportsmanlike League final four playoffs, Poo’s stuporformance allowed MONEYBALLER to beat Poo by 1.10 fantasy points to claim the final playoff spot.
Those 1.10 points felt more like 110 points. When the situation called for my best fantasy football decisions, I made my two biggest blunders of the season.
Number One Blunder: FLAMING BAG OF POO kept Oakland kicker Sebastian Janikowski and started him against the Aaron Rodgers videogame offense of the Green Bay Packers. Oakland wouldn’t be kicking field goals when they’re down by 42 points after halftime. FLAMING BAG OF POO knew that before the game. FLAMING BAG OF POO still did nothing.
Number Two Blunder: FLAMING BAG OF POO started the inconsistent Green Bay TE Jermichael Finley (with his home run capability) fearing that the steady recent play of San Diego TE Antonio Gates wouldn’t be enough against Tom Brady and MONEYBALLER’s line-up against me. The smart play would have been Gates—and the 18.80 fantasy points that he produced against the Buffalo defense.
I actually knew better. Janikowski’s 2.00 points and Finley’s 0.00 points don’t suggest that.
FLAMING BAG OF POO got scared thinking that Finley would help give me the best point total. Like Marion Barber, FLAMING BAG OF POO didn’t focus on what I could have—and should have—accomplished. FLAMING BAG OF POO just tried to do too much, and it cost me dearly.
Can’t blame the Janikowski. Can’t blame Finley. Can’t blame their offensive coordinators. Can’t even blame MONEYBALLER’s line-up (which earned him 95.88 fantasy points—by far the lowest winning total for the week’s matchups).
FLAMING BAG OF POO must blame Ali Fedotowsky.
The one and only Ali Fedotowsky distracted FLAMING BAG OF POO from setting his line-up properly.
Most single male football fans would ask, “Who the heck is Ali Fedotowsky anyway?”
Ask a married man. Because married men know full well about Ali Fedotowsky.
Every Monday during the fall television season, married men across America must play tug-o-war for the remote control because their wives need to watch artificial romance and in-your-face drama of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette”.
This is what happens when Disney moves Monday Night Football to ESPN. “Counterprogramming” is one of the worst sounding words in the English language for men. It ranks right down there with “hormonal” and “feelings”. Really, when does anyone pay attention to counterprogramming against “The View” or “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”?
Ali Fedotowsky first delighted us (and by “us”, I mean every woman between the ages of 18-45…plus me) on the 14th season of “The Bachlelor” (with fake and foolish Bachelor Jake Pavelka). Then, on the 6th season of “The Bachelorette”, newly crowned Ali Fedotowsky shined like only Ali can shine. Ali has an incredible laugh. Ali never needs much make-up to look amazing. Ali can even dribble a soccer ball. The Bachelorette chose Roberto the Insurance Dude–despite my write-in campaign to choose me (even though I was never invited onto the show’s cast.) Still, FLAMING BAG OF POO feels hurt that Ali continues to ignore him.
Furthermore, Poo was crushed when Roberto the Insurance Dude took Ali Fedotowsky off the free agent market of love.
Smart move, Roberto. At the time, Roberto winning Ali’s heart ranked up there as big as the Eagles taking CB Nnamdi Asomugha!
Thanks to People.com, FLAMING BAG OF POO first learned about Ali being single again. I forgot to check http://www.FFtoolbox.com to figure out which tight end that I should have started.
Now that Ali has aired her tragic love story on the cover of People magazine, Roberto probably now feels as woozy as Colt McCoy from Ali’s James Harrison-like helmet-to-helmet hit.
FLAMING BAG OF POO would like to take Ali Fedotowsky out on a date. But Ali Fedotowsky probably isn’t attracted to fantasy football owners who can’t win the crucial matchups to make the playoffs! Damn you, MONEYBALLER for messing with my fantasy love life!
With my luck, Ali Fedotowsky will fall for playoff-bound teams DRUNKEN IRISHMEN, CHENGRI-LA, or MONEYBALLER. Ali Fedotowsky may even get a little bi-curious with BLIND SIDE TAYLOR.
If you’re keeping score at home, this means that the original four owners from last season’s Unsportsmanlike League (FLAMING BAG OF POO, TEUFLE HUNDEN, BARDSDALE BRAWLERS, and FUNCTIONING DERELICTS) failed to make the playoffs.
Who the hell invited these newbies into the league?!?!
Who cares who wins the playoff matchups between BLIND SIDE TAYLORS vs. CHENGRI-LA and DRUNKEN IRISHMEN vs. MONEYBALLER. FLAMING BAG OF POO may not even watch any football games this weekend.
Week #14 in the Unsportsmanlike League provided drama in all the wrong places, so there wasn’t much to re-cap.
CHENGRI-LA took the week with 137.90 points for a relatively sizable win in a relatively meaningless matchup against BLIND SIDE TAYLORS. BLIND SIDE TAYLORS already had a playoff spot secured, since even with a loss, she had all challengers beaten with her season-high point total in the tie-breaker. BLIND SIDE could have started Caleb Hanie instead of Aaron Rodgers…could have even sat all her offensive players…and still have made the playoffs. Now we get a rematch in the playoff semifinals.
The big question is: “Will BLIND SIDE TAYLORS chances in the playoffs be better served if Aaron Rodgers and the Packers kept games a lot closer?” Or, what happens if the Packers lose this week, if they wrap up home field advantage with a 49’ers loss, and then sit Rodgers and Nelson in Week #16 for her potential fantasy championship?
In one of the knockout stages, DRUNKEN IRISHMEN battered FUNCTIONING DERELICTS in the same way that Vikings RB Adrian Peterson normally batters opposing defenses. Yet among his 133.40 fantasy points, DRUNKEN IRISHMEN started Peterson—and then failed to replace his starter after the game-time decision to sit the star running back.
After a disappointing Sunday, FUNCTIONING DERELICTS not led by QB Andy Dalton, Cowboys RB DeMarco Murray needed another of his “everything is bigger in Texas” size SNF performance to pull out a miracle win. The straw that broke the back of FUNCTIONING DERELICTS was the broken ankle suffered by Murray. (Yes, I considered a “Brokeback Mountain” reference here. But not.)
I tip my hat to MONEYBALLER. He avoided any Stuporperformance against FLAMING BAG OF POO. With exception of WR Percy Harvin, his line-up resembled the line-up that has carried him most of the season. Fortunately for him, if the Denver Broncos defense steps up big at Mile High this weekend against the Patriots, it probably means that DRUNKEN IRISHMEN’s line-up suffers more than MONEYBALLER’s. (Assuming, of course, that MONEYBALLER starts QB Brady over his other QB Tebow.)
Finally, down in the Lysol Toilet Bowl Subdivision, TEUFLE HUNDEN held off BARDSDALE BRAWLERS by a mere 1.70 points. Of course, TEUFLE HUNDEN and BARDSDALE BRAWLERS put up strong numbers when it matters least. If there’s an antonym for Stuporformance, it would refer to two pictures of TEUFLE HUNDEN and BARDSDALE BRAWLERS. Delivering your best performance during the most insignificant moments. Such as when TEUFLE’s WR Miles Austin pulled in those final passes from BARDSDALE BRAWLERS’ QB Tony Romo in order to hang onto his slim lead. Or watching TE Jake Ballard and WR Victor Cruz contribute more than enough for the Giants, but not nearly enough for the BRAWLERS.
If a tree landed in the forest, and there was nobody around to hear it, the tree probably would have fallen on the fantasy football hopes of TEUFLE HUNDEN and BARDSDALE BRAWLERS and crushed them flat like pancakes.
I may skip the NFL games in favor of a CMT marathon viewing of season six of the “Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders” Making the Team” reality show.
Really, the only reason to even watch the CMT’s hit show, “Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team.” The CMT reality show is a hell of a lot better than watching out of shape New York Jets coach yell at his players on HBO’s “Hard Knocks”.
If you’re not DVR’ing this show, then why even bother paying for DVR?
No, I’m not so shallow that I only love the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders because they’re blonde and sexy. I love the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders because they work closely with children. Such as Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Tobie Percival.
However, I really do love the way that Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Abigail reaches across the lock in her answers with the buzzer!
It’s all in the hips, gentlemen. It’s all in the hips!
Now that Lamar Odom-Kardashian has been traded to the Dallas Mavericks, look for Khloe Kardashian on “The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team” Season 7 on CMT.
As a side note, FLAMING BAG OF POO really does likes Lamar Odom-Kardashian. Nice guy, versatile player. But Lamar’s biggest mistake wasn’t the reality show. Lamar’s biggest mistake was going on the radio and social media sounding like a crackhead after he heard about the failed trade to New Orleans. Compared to Mr. Odom-Kardashian, Metta World Peace now seems as dull as Mitt Romney.
Lamar, dude, you left the Lakers no choice: you signed your own walking papers with all those interviews and tweets. You shouldn’t have listened to the Kardashian family publicist; he’s a Clippers season ticket owner.
Lamar’s stuporperformance cost him his L.A. lifestyle. You’ll hate Dallas. They won’t get you like we get you, Lamar. Please come home when you become a free agent again. Time heals all wounds. (Although in the case of Ali and Roberto, I hope she finds her way back to Poo…because at least FLAMING BAG OF POO writes a successful sports & entertainment blog that has earned your readership today!!!)
Now you should start working “stuporformance” into your daily lexicon! Tell people you learned something new from Poo.
And please give me full credit every time that you use “stuporformance”! Use the word in everyday sentences. For example, “The stuporformance of opposing defenses in the fourth quarter has enabled Tebow to reach 7-1 in his last eight starts.”
Reality television is filled with plenty of memorable stuporformances. Almost the entire success by “The Bachelor” is built on the stuporformances of drunken, crazy, obsessive pretty singles that deny them the final rose of the evening. Fights? Check. Jealous rants? Check. Terrible serenades? Check. Confessions about past breakups gone awry? Check. Tiaras? Check.
A bad day can happen to anyone. Just ask Marion Barber the next time he bothers to take questions from anyone.
I’m adding “stuporformance” onto Wikipedia right now.
T-shirts also available soon!