NFL Dance Instructional Video – “Ow, My ACL” Performed by $35 Million Dollar Man Lamarr Houston

houston-lamarr-bears-hurt

The NFL has a much bigger problem than domestic violence, substance abuse, or a new team for Los Angeles.

The league needs to teach its players to stop behaving like expensive idiots.

Yes, Chicago Bears Lamarr Houston, we got you on video.

http://www.nfl.com/videos/chicago-bears/0ap3000000417882

Houston, we have a problem...with your poor judgment.

Houston, we have a problem…with your poor judgment.

Nobody on “Dancing With The Stars” is going to copy what will now always be known as your signature move. Let’s call it the “Ow, My ACL” (only because I think there is already a dance move called “The Knucklehead”).

Emmitt Smith, Hines Ward, Donald Driver, and Jacoby Jones are probably tossing in their DTWS graves right now.

Flaming Bag of Poo doesn’t think the “Ow, My ACL” is going to catch on like the Super Bowl Shuffle.  http://vimeo.com/74972893

super-bowl-shuffle

Sure, Lamarr, you limped into Halas Hall on Monday to apologize in person to the Chicago Bears management.  But a bigger man would have limped in and voided the remaining four years on your five-year $35 million contract.  Now, you get to sit back the rest of the season and collect your millions.  I sure would like to hear Brandon Marshall’s latest locker room speech after that one.

Meanwhile, the bigger knuckleheads might be the NFL itself.  Why are you allowing your stars to get injured doing these bonehead celebration dances?  Has the NFL learned nothing from MLB’s mistakes (Los Angeles Angels Kendry Morales injury in 2010 during his walk-off home run celebration ruined his career and the Angels championship hopes)?

Every summer following the NFL Draft, the NFL hosts the NFL Rookie Symposium.  Upon joining the league, rookie players are taught NFL history, health and safety, workplace conduct and professional behavior through workshops and lectures, some featuring former and current players.  The NFL should drag Lamarr Houston and Detroit Lions linebacker Stephen Tulloch onto center stage and show their videos celebrating moments before they suffered a season-ending injury.  Showcase them like freak performers at a carnival.

http://www.nfl.com/videos/detroit-lions/0ap3000000397951/Tulloch-injuries-himself-celebrating

Stephen Tulloch wishes to thank Lamarr Houston for joining the club.

Stephen Tulloch wishes to thank Lamarr Houston for joining the club.

But if the NFL owners really wanted to teach these players that the team has invested millions of dollars to stay healthy and win championships, then there should be a clause added to every player contract that says:  IF YOU INJURE YOURSELF WHILE CELEBRATING ON THE FIELD, YOU MUST FORFEIT ANY SALARY PREVIOUSLY EARNED–AND VOID THE REMAINING CONTRACT–SO YOUR TEAM HAS NOT WASTED VALUABLE MONEY SO THAT YOU CAN RELAX THESE NEXT FEW MONTHS ON YOUR COUCH.

Come on, Roger.  Do it.  Do it.  Do it!

Come on, Roger. Do it. Do it. Do it!

Customer is always right. Unless the customer is a Yelp’er (named “Sonal B”)

Screenshot 2014-10-07 15.21.14

Help see Yelp justice served. 

Just go onto the Yelp page for Voltaire (Kansas City) and rate it FIVE STARS if you are in favor of silencing arrogant customers who think the world revolves around them.

Haven’t you heard about Voltaire’s story…and how they professionally responded to a Yelp’er who expected the restaurant to change its business operational practices just because the customer was a lawyer who threatened to post a negative review of Voltaire?

READ EATER.COM’S ACCOUNT ON HOW VOLTAIRE HANDLED A NEGATIVE YELP’ER HERE:

http://www.eater.com/2014/10/6/6925273/restaurateur-pens-epic-takedown-of-entitled-yelper

So, I added my own FIVE STAR review to Voltaire’s YELP page.  Afterall, senseless negative reviews are allowed to remain on Yelp permanently.  Then why can’t senseless positive reviews be allowed to help increase a business’ reputation, too?

The best publicity Voltaire ever received might be because of a negative opinion by a Yelp’er.  (not me)

 

*** 10/7/2014 NOTE:  After our movement began gaining a lot of interest and traction online, YELP removed my popular positive review in defense of Voltaire!!!  (Of course, that doesn’t stop you from posting your own reviews!  Just remember that you’ve actually been to Voltaire in your review.  Wink, wink.)

Photo credit:  PhillyMag.com

Photo credit: PhillyMag.com

=====Yelp’s response:=====

Hi,

We’re contacting you about your review of Voltaire. Though we understand this business has recently received media attention and that users may have strong opinions, your reviews should be focused on your own everyday customer experience with a business. While you are welcome to post your comments on Yelp Talk, please note that at this time we will be removing any repostings from you to this business listing.

Please visit our Content Guidelines for more information (www.yelp.com/guidelines). We hope you’ll help us keep Yelp fun and useful for everyone!

Regards,
Harris
Yelp Support
San Francisco, California

tumblr_Voltaire

 

Today’s Power Couple = McIlroy + Wozniacki

mcilroy-wozniacki

Let the McIlroy-Wozniacki reunion gossip start!

While golfer Rory McIlroy was completing a dominating performance today at the 2014 Open Championship in England, elsewhere in Europe, his ex-fiancee Caroline Wozniacki had already finished her own dominating performance at the 2014 Istanbul Cup in Turkey.

Do you think tonight they can meet somewhere in the middle to reunite in celebration?  Especially after they’ve endured months of tabloid fodder saying that neither athlete would be able to concentrate after their abandoned engagement?

Maybe meet somewhere neutral tonight between Turkey and England.  Like Switzerland!

Best New York City Pick-Up Spots for Awesome Single Millennials

 

Wear this to your next networking event, Meetup, tech conference, or 5-year high school reunion.

Wear this to your next networking event, Meetup, tech conference, or 5-year high school reunion.

If you are a self-respecting Millennial seeking personal fulfillment through meaningful relationships–as opposed to instant gratification via Tinder hook-ups–then you already know that it’s tough to find someone you would want to introduce to your parents the next time they visited.

Social media has actually complicated dating prospects for Millennials.  Contrary to popular belief (among all your married/attached friends, anyway), social media has not made it easier for single Millennials today.  From the inherent checklists on any Match.com profile, to the casual encounters on Craigslist, the unplanned/spontaneous meet-cute moment featured in your favorite romantic comedy film has disappeared with Friendster, VHS tapes…

...and your old infatuation with Cameron Diaz as a funny & sexy actress.

…and your old infatuation with Cameron Diaz as a funny & sexy actress.

“Our generation is lonelier now than ever before because of our use of social media.” — observes author Mark Vernon in his 2010 book “The Meaning of Friendship“.

meaning_of_friendship

Yes, Millennials will indeed be smarter than Gen X’ers one day.  And they should be!!!  They grew up learning with the help of Google, YouTube, Lynda.com, and any other online resource tool accessible via the Web.

But single Millennials (particularly those living in New York City) are lonelier than they would ever admit off-line to their circles.  Any self-respecting single guy or girl in New York City is exhausted just by the mere thought of spending another weekend night in a packed, noisy bar trying to connect with anyone over the noise of hundreds of singles with fewer standards & expectations.

If Harry had met Sally in a Manhattan bar today, not only would they have never married, but it's doubtful they would have even connected enough to connect with each other on LinkedIn!

If Harry had met Sally in a Manhattan bar today, not only would they have never married, but it’s doubtful they would have even connected enough to connect with each other on LinkedIn!

Would you rather spend your free time discovering whether some stranger (that you rather serendipitously met) shares your same passions?

Aren't you tired of pounding Stella and wrapping your lips around Mary Jane?

Aren’t you tired of pounding Stella and wrapping your lips around Mary Jane?  Find someone!!!  Find an actual off-line relationship.

If you want to find a relationship prospect that you will one day want to proudly introduce to your family (probably through Facetime or Skype), then consider these New York City pick-up spots for meeting really awesome Millennials like yourself!

{Speaking from experience, this is the male point-of-view on where/how to find high-quality women who take care of their heart, body, soul and mind.  But if you’re a high-quality woman and spot a guy at one of these spots, then maybe you’ll realize that you’re already overlooking a way to meet high-quality men.}

 

FREE YOGA IN BRYANT PARK

Bryant Park group photo 1

Guys, imagine hundreds of fitness-oriented women taking care of their bodies and spirit on a hot summer day.  Don’t sweat it if you don’t already belong to a yoga studio, or if you don’t know the difference between downward dog and doggy-style.  Take a break and do your body good at Bryant Park Yoga.

http://www.bryantpark.org/plan-your-visit/yoga.html

Helpful volunteer instructors roam the crowd to help the obvious beginners.  Free yoga mats are even provided.  Along the steps at the east end of the park on summer Tuesdays 10:00am and Thursdays 6:00pm.

No, guys, you won’t be viewed as pervert as long as you can capably accomplish all the stretches, poses and balances–and keep your eyes in the direction they are supposed to be going.  And no, guys, don’t make advances to a woman during the hour of yoga.  But if you can make the right eye contact and trade smiles, perhaps after the hour is over when you are all rolling up the yoga mats, you can ask someone how yoga enhances their life.  Don’t talk, man, just listen!  Guys don’t take enough time to shut up and listen…and discover a woman’s passion like yoga.

 

tango in Central Park

DANCING & DANCE LESSONS IN THE PARK

Dancing is a contact sport in New York City, particularly during the summer when so many different dance lessons are offered outside for free.  You don’t need to show up with a partner of the opposite sex; you will find plenty of them there.  At most of these events at outdoor venues like Bryant Park, Hudson River Park, and Central Park, the first 30-45 minutes feature careful lessons for beginners.  So don’t be fashionably late!  Get there early, and find a way to position yourself relatively near someone that you’ve already traded eye contact and smiles with!  Guys, don’t dismiss the older women; chances are, their millennial daughter was meeting them here after work, so you have a chance to earn an instant wing-man in her mother.  And as far as patience, the older women will be grateful for your enthusiasm to dance with them–so you can polish your mistakes with them, instead of making dance mistakes with a younger Millennial who will then find a partner who was a better learner.

Salsa, Bachata, Tango, Lindy, West Coast Swing…there are many outdoor (and indoor) events in New York City!!!  Here are a few of my favorites.

http://www.bryantpark.org/plan-your-visit/dance_in_bp.html

http://www.salsanewyork.com/events/salsa-at-the-central-park-bandshell.htm

http://www.hudsonriverpark.org/events/series/moondance

http://celebratetango.wix.com/celebratetango#!

Because even Jack Osbourne looks good dancing beside a hot partner!

Because even Jack Osbourne looks good taking dance lessons!

Dance Manhattan Dance Studio downtown also hosts these really cheap $5 practice dance nights.  They don’t offer free lessons, but invest in a one-day weekend intensive class at Dance Manhattan Dance Studio, and then go to the practice dance nights where you’ll surely find a more experienced & patient partner who can help guide you.

http://www.dance-manhattan.com/

I admit, I dance better in my head than I do on my feet.  But if you have the confidence just to show up and walk out onto the dance floor, women in particular give you bonus points for doing so.

 

Met women

FREE GUIDED TOURS AT THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART

This tip isn’t limited to just the Met.  (No, guys, I’m not talking about the baseball team.)

At pretty much any cultural facility in Manhattan, there are group tours offered.  And since the Met is “free” (you can ignore the posted admission rates, and just pay $1 to the cashier), the tours are likewise free.

http://www.metmuseum.org/events/programs/tours

Do you prefer a smart woman who would rather un-wind from a busy work week and do something more stimulating than involuntarily body-slamming with strangers at a happy hour tavern?  Believe it or not, she is probably taking advantage of the Met’s evening hours.

Take a free guided group tour at the Met.  Make clever observations to an attractive stranger (or strangers, as women also tend to come in groups of friends); this might invite her to share her own observations if she thinks you are there for the right reasons (the art, and then her).  Again, be confident to start the conversation–and then shut up and listen to her talk!

naked statues at Met

After the tour, either invite her to tour the rest of the museum’s exhibitions (or speaker events) with you on a future date (a cultured man would use the word “rendezvous”) back here at the museum.  Or if you’re really feeling great about the way it’s going, suggest you grab a quick cocktail on the rooftop if the weather is nice, and watch the sunset overlooking the top of Central Park.

Friday Happy Hour draws a much bigger crowd than this.

Friday Happy Hour draws a much bigger crowd than this.

Find your inner artist, dude!  And earn yourself some bonus points if you leave your smartphone inside your pocket the entire time!

 

APPLE STORE SOHO

Apple Store Soho class

If the Apple Store in SoHo actually sold booze, this particular store would be the most amazing singles bar in all of New York.

It doesn’t take a Genius Bar to realize that:

* Everyone always leaves the Apple Store happy…even when they’ve spent a shitload of their hard-earned money on a product that will probably be obsolete next year.

* People spend hours here.  It is their happy place, and they find reasons just to hang out.

* A beautiful mind is a beautiful mind.  Ever attend one of their many Apple workshops?  Yes, most Apple Stores teach hardware/software workshops to reinforce their Apple products.  But the SoHo store is different; the second floor has a small theater-style seating area (with ample WiFi) so people often come to watch the daily presentations–or just to hang out in air-conditioning and chill with their gadgets.  I’ve been noticing that a lot of young women in the marketing field in particular frequent the workshops like Photoshop, Illustrator, Pages for Mac, and Final Cut; they are smart enough to realize that free training will help them get/stay ahead of their elder professionals that hired them mainly because they supposedly know more about technology than the Gen X’ers.

* Can I emphasize the free WiFi enough?  And they have plenty of electrical outlets along the floor between the seats.  With the theater-style seating, you can do a Jason Bourne-like scan to see who is reviewing matches on eHarmony, who is downloading music that you love on iTunes, and who is finally catching up to “House of Cards” after wasting so many hours watching “America’s Top Models” instead.

Perks of Being a Wallflower

* It’s generally understood that if you include the word “perky” or “chill” anywhere on your resume, you’ll likely get hired by an Apple Store.  (Apple HR uses a keyword search!)  The Apple Store SoHo staff is accessibly attractive…in that sort of “Perks of Being a Wallflower” kind of way…not that “I’m not capable of any deep thoughts because I model in-store for Abercrombie & Fitch” kind of way.  Even if you’re not there to date one of the staff, you will feel much cooler about yourself just by being next to their aura.  (Disclaimer:  that aura lasts up until you finally leave SoHo).

Apple Store soho_hero

http://www.apple.com/retail/soho/

C’mon, Apple, if you really want to revolutionalize the way that society does things, then start serving wine & beer at your stores.  Offer drink discounts to everyone who uses iPhones, and refuse to serve drinks to anyone with a Blackberry or Samsung Galaxy.

 

NYC SUBWAY – “L” TRAIN

L subway sign

The L train between Manhattan & Brooklyn is the only subway line where riders are quite comfortable making eye contact.

Why?  Because this line is filled with hipsters from Brooklyn!  Yes, they’ll be wearing headphones listening to Pandora or their favorite playlist, but their eyes are always wandering the L subway car and platform.

So, be confident…don’t suddenly turn away and pretend like you weren’t staring and hoping the hipster would notice you staring.

Enough said.

 

Women at IWNY 2014

THE TECH START-UP CRAZE = CONFERENCES

Just like Orange is the new Black, tech conferences are the new singles bars.

New York City would never want to be San Francisco’s little brother, but it’s hard to compete with the innovation and talent concentrated in Silicon Valley.  However, only programmers and daddy figures like Larry Ellison live within Silicon Valley.  The fun single types hop on their Google buses for the two-hour commute back to the bar scenes in San Francisco–and even Oakland.

Fortunately, the young, smart professionals who eat, sleep and breathe tech in Manhattan are all living in Manhattan & Brooklyn.  And while that entire potential dating pool lives within a couple transit lines of each other, they all tend to flock to annual entrepreneurial tech & social media conferences such as Social Media Week, Internet Week New York, and NYC Uncubed.

http://socialmediaweek.org/

https://www.internetweekny.com/

http://uncubed.com/events/

Sure, most of these events cost money.  These tech conferences usually have different pricing tiers and Early Bird rates.  Although these events are well worth the investment for the knowledge and the contacts gained!

Helpful tip:  Unless your company is paying so that you’ll bring all that knowledge and experience back to them, you never need to buy the “VIP packages”.  Just get yourself into the building for the speaker events and main vendor expo.  (Home base is always somewhere like Highline Studios or Metropolitan Pavilion downtown.)

Be flexible.  If you’re a guy and want to meet someone for a potential date, skip the programming events and attend something with more of a marketing or PR angle to it!  If you’re a woman and want to meet someone for a potential date who can afford dinner, skip the marketing and programming events in favor of the keynote speakers and panel discussions where semi-successful entrepreneurs are looking for tips to get from good to great.

From the schedules posted online, select speaker events that don’t necessarily fit into your wheelhouse; arrive to events early so that you find a good seat, and then start talking to another eager, early arrival and mention to them that you know very little about the subject–but you’re curious to learn on behalf of your company.  Then, as always, shut up and listen!  Guaranteed, that stranger will break into his/her pitch and hand you his/her business card and phone number before you ever have a chance to ask for it yourself!!!

And even if you cannot afford the money to buy the cheapest conference entry offered, there are still a couple more ways to attend.  For example, many of these conferences require volunteer staff; if you donate a day of easy volunteer duty, then they will give you a pass to attend another day of the conference.  Look for the volunteer links on the event website.

But really, spring for the basic entry cost, and get a badge.  Because nobody wants to date someone who would wear an event T-shirt!  Besides, once you’re inside, these tech conferences always offer plenty of free SWAG!!!

Popcorn from SheKnows IWNY

Free health juice samples.  Free exotic waters.  Free popcorn.  Free Popchips.  Free energy bars.  Free candy.  Free chargers.  One sponsor at Internet Week New York even offered free manicures while you listened to the speakers on-stage nearby.  Leave your laptop at home, and just bring your empty laptop bag to fill up!

Additionally, other allied companies in the industry love to latch onto the promotion and attention from the main event.  Many digital agencies, law firms, and other start-ups will host their own events in the evenings.  Some are just mixers at a local bar, where all you need to do is show up and buy your own drinks.  Others are special presentations where the host firm serves free appetizers and drinks!  (Yes, they assume that all attendees came straight from the conference, but I’ve hardly ever seen anyone check for event badges.)

EventBrite and Meetup are especially awesome at featuring those events.  (And if you don’t already have those apps on your smartphone, then you must be a Gen X’er looking for tips to meet singles almost half your own age, you pervert!)

Think of these tech conferences as the sort of social networking filter that you wish had been used at the last Meetup Professional Networking event–where just about any crazy or weirdo with questionable social skills could show up!!!  Whenever I hear one of my single female friends lament that she’s tired of dating arrogant, self-absorbed investment banking types, I encourage them to attend a networking event with tech entrepreneurs; find the people who take risks on themselves…who can articulate their passion…who invent ways to solve problems…and then invest your love and support in these risk-takers.  Because when they become successful and sell their start-up to Facebook for billions before the age of 30, they will remember how you believed in them when maybe nobody else would.

Don’t come dressed in your comfortable hoodie, nor in your best suit & tie.  Instead, wear something that says, “I’m ambitious, confident and secure, even though I haven’t secured funding yet for my start-up and/or beta website.”  I find that women do this so much better at these conferences than men do.  I find few things more attractive than a woman at these conferences who dress so that you’ll notice their face and legs–but you’ll ask for their email address because of their brains and network.

Even Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Chrissy Teigen attends tech events.  (Internet Week New York 2014 panel about her foodie blog "So Delushious".

Even Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Chrissy Teigen attends tech events. (Internet Week New York 2014 panel about her foodie blog “So Delushious”.

And guys, if you’re feeling especially secure in your manhood, and you think that you can handle a room with a 10:1 female-to-male ratio, then check out Women 2.0’s Monthly City Meetups!  Purchasing an Early Bird ticket will cost you the same amount as any after-work drink.  Besides, the Women 2.0 events always start and end with some informal networking, adult beverages, and snacks.

http://women2.com/city-meetup/new-york-city-2/

There are monthly panels and presentations to discover the female professionals’ perspective in the NYC tech ecosystem.  The women are usually impressed by the guys who are secure enough to show up–if you have the right intentions.  I certainly consider meeting smart, ambitious women to be the right intentions.  You would have a hard time discovering that in your typical loud, crowded Upper East Side bar.

———-

There’s an old expression that goes something like:  “You get what you pay for.”

(And if you are a woman who already understands that expression, then you are the type of woman that I’d like to date!  Millennial or otherwise.)

For those who don’t understand, it usually means that if you get something cheap or free, then there probably wasn’t much value to it.

But with my helpful tips above, you might be fortunate to find someone valuable at one of these cheap or free spots.

***Let us know if you have any other great suggestions worth sharing for our readers!!!***

Just be your awesome you...but free or cheap.

Just be your awesome you…but free or cheap.

 

DeSean Jackson to Chip Kelly: “Are You The One?”

Chip Kelly is the one for DeSean Jackson.  Deal with it, player.

Chip Kelly is the one for DeSean Jackson. Deal with it, player.


These days, there is no bigger reality television than sports. And even during the off-season full of reruns, the NFL airs its original dirty laundry. And it’s still so compelling!

Few reality TV shows on-the-air right now remain as compelling as the off-season social dating experiment between Philadelphia Eagles standout wide receiver DeSean Jackson and its second-year head coach Chip Kelly. Based on last year’s pilot episode (the 2013-2014 NFL season), Jackson’s blazing speed and Kelly’s quick-tempo offense schemes seemed like a match made in heaven for Eagles fans.

Instead, that once perfect match is falling apart this week quicker than any drunken hook-up witnessed on MTV’s hit reality dating social experiment “Are You The One?”

NFL owners and general managers—huddled together for the NFL Owners meetings in Orlando this week—are tuning into this unraveling social experiment. If ratings could be measured in large market owners, then the Jackson-Kelly drama would be bigger than the last Super Bowl!

Like every other sexy player on “Are You The One?”, Jackson overcompensates for his lack of self-awareness by manipulating others (the media) for his own gain. Already getting $10.5 million after shining in his best statistical season under Chip Kelly’s up-tempo offense, Jackson is saying one thing–while his body language says the opposite. Jackson’s perfect match is standing right in front of him, and he doesn’t even know it!

Please, DeSean, don’t fool around no mo’! Don’t fall for the unique glitz and glamour of a slimmed-down Rex Ryan. Don’t fall for a recently blossomed California blonde like Mike McCoy. Don’t try to make your old flame jealous by sitting down to dinner with a sexy rival like Tom Coughlin.

MTV just picked up “Are You The One?” for a second season. That’s exactly what Jackson needs to do—pick up Kelly’s offense for another season. Even on concocted dating shows with endless booze and tropical weather, chemistry and compatibility don’t reveal themselves immediately.

Jackson is getting too old for the NFL-equivalent of a one-night stand. Stick around. Play it out. None of those other MTV island babes (Jacy, Shanley, Jessica, Coleysia, Paige, Amber, Ashley, Simone, Brittany, and even Ole Miss belle Kayla) or any other NFL coach will be as good as what you got now. Stay and make sweet with Coach Kelly! C’mon, Number Ten, do that sexy, sexy, that only you know how to do.

Chip Kelly and his offense is the only one for you! Dude, go kiss and make up, fast! Use that lightning speed of yours, and run back to the Eagles with your tail between your legs.

Or else you might find yourself being led on by one of Geno Smith’s errant throws across the middle—straight into the wake-up call that is the hard side of a Patriots’ free safety helmet. And it will be too late to go back to that Philly of a lover that you jilted with your words (and not just your actions, Jackson!)

Eleven More Non-Yankee Doctors Give A-Rod the A-OK to Play This Weekend

A-Rod has been giving a different finger to the Yankees this week.

A-Rod has been giving a different finger to the Yankees this week.

Yesterday, Alex Rodriguez and his camp tried to circumvent Dr. Chris Ahmad, the Yankees’ team doctor, in order to get his $275M Ego-ness cleared to play after a Grade 1 quad strain. Dr. Michael Gross took to the airways to proclaim A-Rod fit to play this Friday—despite the one simple fact that Dr. Gross had never examined A-Rod in person. In fact, A-Rod and Dr. Ahmad had never even met in person before.

Today, eleven more well-known doctors came to A-Rod’s defense to declare him fit!!! The Yankees and their fans should take notice!
 
 
 
 

Dr. Doug Ross

Dr. Doug Ross

The original McDreamy and McSteamy combined. Leave it to A-Rod to call upon Dr. Doug Ross, a physician as Dreamy and Steamy as A-Rod always thinks that he is.
 
 
 
 

Dr. Dolittle

Dr. Dolittle

“If I could talk to the animals, just imagine it, chattin’ with a Yank in Yankanzee. Imagine talking to a Cashman, chatting with a Jeter. What a neat achievement it would be!” (Rex Harrison had too much class to answer A-Rod’s Skype. But Eddie Murphy had nothing but time on his hand, and so he gladly gave Dr. Dolittle medical opinion.)
 
 
 
 

Dr. Evil

Dr. Evil

“Why make trillions when we can make…billions?” That’s how much the Yankees still owe A-Rod on his contract if he gets to re-take the field!!! A-Rod and Dr. Evil makes the Yankees Evil Empire look like a G-rated movie with a Steve Carell voiceover. As Dr. Evil would say, “You’re the best evil son an evil dad could ever ask for, A-Rod.”
 
 
 
 

Doc Emmett Brown

Doc Emmett Brown

A-Rod travels in Doc Brown’s DeLorean to go back to 1985…to the year before 11-year old A-Rod started using performance-enhancing drugs. Only then might A-Rod actually help himself.
 
 
 
 

Dr. Leo Spaceman

Dr. Leo Spaceman

At least 30 ROCK’s Dr. Spaceman has actually examined A-Rod in person–because it’s much harder to examine erectile dysfunction over the phone. (Although with erectile dysfunction, nothing is hard, right?)
 
 
 
 

Dr. Jekyll

Dr. Jekyll

A-Rod also got a second opinion from both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but even Mr. Hyde sided with the Yankees team doctor.
 
 
 
 

Dr. Hannibal Lecter

Dr. Hannibal Lecter

It’s probably more likely that Dr. Hannibal Lecter is more of a wicked Red Sox fan instead of a loud mouth Yankees fan anyway. It stands to reason, Clarice.
 
 
 
 

Dr. Love...and Dr. Pepper

Dr. Love…and Dr. Pepper

This is a face that you can trust. The original Dr. Love (who eventually sold out to Dr. Pepper.) If you can’t trust a man with two doctorates, then who can you trust?
 
 
 
 

Dr. Frasier Crane

Dr. Frasier Crane

At this point, Dr. Frasier Crane may be the only person listening to A-Rod.
 
 
 
 

Doc

Doc

Through their union representative, the remaining six dwarfs are voting to replace Doc, ever since Doc declared A-Rod fit like Prince Charming. ESPN reports that Sleazy is the leading vote-getter, while Yusiel Puig once again loses in a mild upset.
 
 
 
 

Dr. Who (and counting)

Dr. Who (and counting)

Doctor Who??? Yup, exactly!!! Just WHO are these doctors of yours, A-Rod?!?
 
 
 
 

A-Rod should just take his stolen millions, and quarantine himself to some South Beach hot spot until some time after Pete Rose finally gets inducted into the Hall of Fame.

A-Rod needs to learn to keep his mouth shut

A-Rod needs to learn to keep his mouth shut

Still, you really gotta hand it to Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod has already accomplished the impossible: ego-maniac third baseman has turned Brian Cashman and the rest of the New York Yankee management into sympathetic figures. Why come back when the crowds will shower him with boos—even more so at Yankee Stadium, than on the road. The Yankees cannot afford for A-Rod to infect their brand any more so than he already has.

(7/25/13)

The PSA on Being GLEE: Ryan Murphy Cannot Just Sweep Cory Monteith’s Death Under The Rug (or Under the Red Carpet)

Glee - Finn football locker room

Flaming Bag of Poo has a dark, but GLEE-ful, confession to make: In recent years, I only know which music is actually good and popular only once Finn Hudson, Rachel Berry, and the New Directions perform the song on GLEE.

It’s hard enough staying knowledgeable on music–especially when I have to stay knowledgeable about sports. For instance, Flaming Bag of Poo can name every NFL starting quarterback at any point during the season. I can spit out every MLB team by division. I can recite the starting line-ups of every NBA team. I can name the mascots of 90% of the Division I schools.

And yet, this is the very same Flaming Bag of Poo who has never missed a single episode of the hit Fox TV show “GLEE” since the pilot first aired in 2009. If a recent Top 40 song wasn’t covered on GLEE, then I probably wasn’t even aware of the hit original song. I have more downloaded GLEE songs in my iPhone than any single straight man should ever admit.

GLEE itunes

But there it is. I admitted it!!!

So, like millions of teenagers and teenagers-at-heart around the world, I admit, I was quite shocked when Cory Monteith was found dead last week. I was even more shocked to only now learn about his unfortunate history with substance abuse.

Cory-Monteith memorial

I won’t make light of Cory Monteith’s death. But I also won’t pretend that the world lost an important role model for teens. Let’s not glorify Cory Monteith’s struggles with substance abuse.

GLEE has almost become synonymous with the phrase “Public Service Announcement”. GLEE isn’t a success just because of teen karaoke. The comedy-drama-musical show and its viral PSAs have tackled everything and anything on the tweener demographic’s radar: Homosexuality. Teen pregnancy. Adoption. Bullying. Suicide. Cancer. Physical disabilities. Eating disorders. White men who can’t dance…

Glee - football team dancing

The greatest cliffhanger of the Fall 2013 television season may very well be: Can GLEE focus on an issue so close to home? Alcohol and substance abuse.

Indeed, Cory Monteith’s death was tragic and premature. But let’s not get carried away that his death was both sudden and premature. Cory did heroin. That’s like carrying a gun in your pocket, and then being surprised when it prematurely shoots you in the thigh. Even Cory was man enough to face the harsh reality by publicly addressing his teen years of substance abuse well before Rachel and Finn ever shared google-eyes at each other across the music room.

GLEE Finn and Rachel

It would be too easy to dismiss Cory Monteith’s substance abuse problems as just another example of Hollywood’s darker underbelly of fame and fortune. After all, this actor’s substance abuse began up in Canada—and ended in a Vancouver’s Fairmont Pacific Rim Hotel.

The producers of GLEE have the opportunity to make a serious impact on the millions of young adults and teens who use drugs–and put up the façade that they are invincible.

Finn Hudson (Cory Monteith’s character on GLEE) was so beloved because audiences found him relateable, fallible, and sympathetic; those same words could be used to describe Cory Monteith in his death. And that’s why there’s an important opportunity–if not obligation–here for GLEE.

Glee - Anyway you want it

Does Ryan Murphy and Fox have the courage to look at themselves, and use Cory’s actual death as an important teaching experience for some many young teens and adults who use recreational drugs as though they were just enjoying a beer? Does Finn Hudson pass away in a similar manner as Cory Monteith? Alone, scared, and making bad decisions with heroin?

Art shouldn’t just imitate life. Art should protect life, too, when it has the power to do so! Because that would be a GLEE-ful tribute to Cory Monteith, the former heart of the show.

And will help put Finn Hudson to rest.

GLEE - Finn Faithfully

(7/18/13)

Hollywood NFL Fantasy Mock Draft

Cuba Gooding, Keanu Reeves, Warren Beatty, Jamie Foxx, Sean Astin - great movie actors playing great football players

Cuba Gooding, Keanu Reeves, Warren Beatty, Jamie Foxx, Sean Astin – great movie actors playing great football players

In 1994, the National Football League reduced the number of rounds in the draft from 12 to 7. Nowadays, NFL teams draft with the intention of securing players who can actually make their roster. But it wasn’t always like that.

Prior to 1994, those late 12th round picks were practically throwaways, so teams might make speculative picks on multi-sport athletes intending to play other non-pro football sports.

Forget Mr. Irrelevant.  How about "Mr. Speculative"?

Forget Mr. Irrelevant. How about “Mr. Speculative”?

Instead of just “Mr. Irrelevant” (the last player chosen in each year’s draft), teams could practically waste a late-round draft pick on a “Mr. Speculative” (guys with no real intention to play in the NFL, but if they ever changed their minds, some NFL team would already own their rights.)

For example, did you know these late NFL draft picks?

Kirk Gibson was drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals in the 7th round.

Dave Winfield was drafted by the Minnesota Vikings in the 17th round.

Pat Riley was drafted by the Dallas Cowboys in the 11th round.

Burt Reynolds was even drafted late by the Baltimore Colts!

Burt Reynolds

Burt Reynolds

Flaming Bag of Poo wondered: Among all the great sport movies of all time, which actors and fictional movie characters might have performed well in the NFL?

OK, let’s automatically disqualify any actor or fictional movie character in a movie about football. Because it’s too easy to imagine them playing football since we’ve already seen them win on-screen.

Thus, for the sake of this Hollywood Fantasy Mock Draft, you could not choose from: Cuba Gooding Jr. (Jerry Maguire), Keanu Reeves (The Replacements), Jamie Foxx (Any Given Sunday), Warren Beatty (Heaven Can Wait), Billy Dee Williams or James Caan (Brian’s Song), or Sean Astin (Rudy).

Kathy Ireland vs. Keira Knightey - wouldn't you get a kick out of seeing them in the locker room showers?

Kathy Ireland vs. Keira Knightey – wouldn’t you get a kick out of seeing them in the locker room showers?

Even in a supplemental draft, Flaming Bag of Poo could not even draft Kathy Ireland (Necessary Roughness) or Keira Knightley (Bend It Like Beckham) just for kicks to see them shower in the men’s locker room.

After watching tons of videotape, here are the Top 15 actors and fictional movie characters atop Flaming Bag of Poo’s Big Board.

#15 – Tom Cruise (The Color of Money, All The Right Moves)

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise

Yes, believe it or not, Tom Cruise only makes #15 on this list. We don’t count the gay volleyball scene in Top Gun, because when he jumps to spike, it looks like he’s spiking over a ping-pong table net. And in The Color of Money, it’s the pool where you don’t get wet and win gold medals. Few people actually remember his role as the football stud in All The Right Moves, but Flaming Bag of Poo remembers the movie because of Lea Thompson’s pre-Back To The Future hotness.

#14 – Jackie Earle Haley (Bad News Bears, Breaking Away)

Jackie Earle Haley

Jackie Earle Haley

How does a child actor go from playing the coolest stud on the Bad News Bears, to the runt on the Cutters cycling team in Breaking Away? I’m thinking cigarettes!

#13 – Kevin Costner (Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, Tin Cup)

Kevin Costner

Kevin Costner

Costner has starred in plenty of sports movies. But given his demeanor in all of them, he’s more of a punter than a running back.

#12 – Robert Redford (The Natural)

Robert Redford

Robert Redford

Redford was like the Jim Brown of his sports movie era. He doesn’t look like much compared to today’s muscular actors, but back in the day, he was a stud. He could play Aaron Rodgers in the story of his life.

#11 – Joshua Jackson (The Mighty Ducks trilogy)

Joshua Jackson

Joshua Jackson

Sometimes, you have to draft them young based on their potential. Would anyone ever guess that this star of the three Mighty Ducks movies would have sex with Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise would?

#10 – Charlie Sheen (Eight Men Out, Major League)

Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen lacks in strength and speed, he brings the intangibles akin to Rodney Harrison or Warren Sapp. Dirty player with a motor mouth. Sounds like the defensive player that running backs and quarterbacks hate most.

#9 – Matt Damon (The Legend of Bagger Vance, Invictus)

Matt Damon

Matt Damon

Did you see Matt Damon bulk up for the soccer movie Invictus? Good thing that steroids aren’t illegal in Hollywood.

#8 – Sylvester Stallone (Rocky)

Sylvester Stallone

Sylvester Stallone

Stallone has inside linebacker written all over him. Bring his lunch pail to the movie set every day. Even if it’s filled with fried chicken sandwiches from his failed Planet Hollywood restaurant chain.

#7 – Dennis Quaid (Breaking Away, The Rookie, Everybody’s All American, The Express, Any Given Sunday)

Dennis Quaid

Dennis Quaid

Quaid is Costner, except Quaid looks like he could withstand a tackle without crying. Fearless and reliable, put Quaid in the slot, like Wes Welker.

#6 – Wesley Snipes (White Men Can’t Jump, Major League)

Wesley Snipes

Wesley Snipes

Snipes is the prototypical NFL CB…super fast and destined to get in trouble with the law. That’s why he would be a high draft pick. Snipes is Hollywood’s version of Pac Man Jones.

#5 – Scott Summers (Hoosiers)

Scott Summers ("Strap")

Scott Summers (“Strap”)

You might know him by his movie character name “Strap”. Or better yet, you know him as the brawny guy who prays. Obviously, if Hickory could barely could field a team for a basketball, they weren’t going to field enough guys for a football team. But Strap would make the ideal LB/FB.

#4 – Will Smith (The Legend of Bagger Vance, Ali)

Will Smith

Will Smith

When you think of the overused draft expression, “Take the best player available regardless of need”, Will Smith’s name just leaps off everyone’s draft board.

#3 – Denzel Washington (The Hurricane, Remember The Titans)

Denzel Washington

Denzel Washington

Nobody would ever mess with Denzel. Although I always think he’s more of a defensive player than an offensive player. The guy that would rather hit, than be hit. Denzel Washington and Ronnie Lott could be brothers.

#2 – Dwayne Johnson (Gridiron Gang)

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

People actually think “The Rock” got drafted after he graduated at “The U”. Nope. “Gridiron Gang” is a football movie, but he makes this list only because it’s more of a movie than pro wrestling is a real sport.

#1 – Steve Carlson, Jeff Carlson, David Hanson (Slap Shot)

The Hanson Brothers

The Hanson Brothers

Yes, it’s three guys. But you really always think of them as one. THE HANSON BROTHERS!!! It’s a little known fact, but in real life, only one of the actors was really named Hanson (David Hanson). The other two were Carlsons (Jeff & Steve Carlson). Imagine this trio as your starting linebacking corp in a 4-3 defense for the Kansas City Chiefs. (Yes, I know they played for the Chiefs in the movie, too.)

Let the 2013 NFL Draft officially start!

The Hollywood Stars, you are now officially on the clock.

Brooke Langton (The Replacements) - sexiest fictional football cheerleader ever

Brooke Langton (The Replacements) – sexiest fictional football cheerleader ever

(04/25/13)

Making The Playoffs Is The Worst Case Scenario For The Lakers

Celebrating...in street clothes (the Lakers new team uniforms).

Celebrating…in street clothes (the Lakers new team uniforms).

Almost as tragic as Kobe Bryant’s Achilles tear, something devastating happened yesterday on the final night of the 2012-2013 NBA regular season.

The Lakers squeaked into the playoffs! And Laker fans should be cursing and crying instead of bragging and celebrating.

GET REAL, HOLLYWOOD!!! Fans of the Los Angeles Lakers should not be celebrating last night’s so-called win over the turnover prone Houston Rockets.

This Lakers team will not win the championship. They will be fortunate just to get past the San Antonio Spurs. But do you really believe their backcourt has the stamina to carry them past the Denver Nuggets, Oklahoma City Thunder, and Miami Heat?

What a nightmare! All this for a first-round upset leading into an off-season as painful as Kobe’s early physical rehab will be.

Face it: this Lakers team needs to be in the 2013 NBA Draft lottery.

2012-nba-draft-lottery-chairs

Just like the passing of the torch from the late Dr. Jerry Buss to his yet-to-really-arrive son Jim Buss, the Lakers need to rebuild—starting next fall.

Kobe Bryant – If you’ve never ruptured your Achilles tendon before, then you really have no clue what you’re talking about. Flaming Bag of Poo suffered a complete Achilles tear years ago, and ever since, Poo has been unable to repeat as Slam Dunk Champion on the home office nerf hoop.

Because your expectations will hurt Kobe even more.

Because your expectations will hurt Kobe even more.

It’s in everyone’s best interests for the Lakers to “amnesty” Kobe’s $30 million in his final contract year. Yes, the Lakers need to take emotion out of the equation. Forget loyalty. Can the Lakers franchise really afford $30 million sitting in the training room until the prime Christmas Day matchup? (Can ABC really afford to put the Lakers on Christmas Day without Kobe???). Kobe is no longer the high-flying juvenile that the Lakers first drafted. This season was a grind on his aging body, and his Achilles won’t allow him to be the Kobe Bryant that fans will expect back from the minute he does walk back onto the court. Look at other basketball stars like Elton Brand and Chauncey Billups who have been a shadow of their former greatness since returning from Achilles injuries. Sir Charles Barkley didn’t even try. Kobe will be thinking about re-rupturing his Achilles every time he jumps. For $30 million, at best, you’ll get a ball-hogging jump shooter. Have you already forgotten Michael Jordan in his last season with the Washington Wizards? When the clutch, aerial moves ceased to exist…

michael_jordan_wizards

Amnesty Kobe! Spare Kobe (and Laker fans) the torture of trying to live up expectations that he’ll return as the same Kobe Bryant that we’ve been spoiled to depend on all these years. Set him loose for his own good. He’ll come back when he’s good and ready. (Really, do you think Kobe would really sign any other team other than the Lakers?) The Lakers could re-sign Kobe for the 2014-2015 season at something far less than $30 million because Kobe knows he wouldn’t look good in a Washington Wizards jersey.

Dwight Howard – The only guy not named “The Situation” who thinks that life is better in Jersey than in Los Angeles. Superman is saying all of the right things (OK, maybe not ALL…but SOME) right now. But wait until his exit interview with Mitch Kupchak once the Lakers get bounced from the playoffs. Dwight ain’t staying if Kobe isn’t coming back. And worse yet, Dwight ain’t staying if Kobe does come back!

Sign-and-trade. Everyone better get used to Brook Lopez in a Lakers jersey.

Pau Gasol – During offseason trade talks, Gasol’s name will be thrown around more often in than the words “salary cap”. The Lakers should trade Gasol for a couple athletes who can jump higher than Steve Nash and Steve Blake.

I wouldn’t even attempt to summarize the soft cap vs. the hard cap on team salaries. I couldn’t explain it better than Wikipedia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NBA_Salary_Cap

Steve Nash – It’s painful enough to see this hobbled future Hall of Famer get through this season. Next season, Nash will only be another year older. Fans’ expectations may as well be the basketball rim—because “White Men Can’t Jump” Nash will never come close to touching it.

Steve Blake, Jodie Meeks, Darius Morris – Laker fans, these are your likely options to start in place of Kobe Bryant alongside Steve Nash throughout the 2013-2014 season.

Steve Blake - a full season starter?

Steve Blake – a full season starter?


Jodie Meeks - a full season starter?

Jodie Meeks – a full season starter?


Darius Morris - a full season starter?

Darius Morris – a full season starter?

It’s like finding out that you’re getting to sit beside a Jack Nicholson impersonator in the nose-bleed seats—instead of courtside with the real deal.

Ben McLemore – In this draft, McLemore is the next coming of Kobe Bryant. Because the old Kobe Bryant will never be back, the Lakers needed to get themselves in the lottery in hopes they land one of the top two picks. (Conspiracy theorists remember Patrick Ewing and the frozen lottery envelopes!)

The next Kobe Bryant for the Lakers?

The next Kobe Bryant for the Lakers?

Come on, Laker fans, let’s make a parade toward the NBA draft lottery!

AMNESTY KOBE BRYANT!

TRADE PAU GASOL!

THROW ALL THAT MONEY AT DWIGHT HOWARD SO THAT HE’LL STAY.

RETREAT TO THE GENTLE EMBRAE OF THE DRAFT LOTTERY SO THAT YOU HAVE A CHANCE AT WINNING BEN MCLEMORE, MERLENS NOEL, OR TREY BURKE!

START REBUILDING NOW FOR 2014 AND BEYOND!

Because what's a draft lottery without a representative from Los Angeles!?!?

Because what’s a draft lottery without a representative from Los Angeles!?!?

When winning is actually losing…Your Los Angeles Lakers.

As always, major props to Hoops Hype for such a great breakdown of NBA salaries!

http://hoopshype.com/salaries/la_lakers.htm

(04/18/13)