Disney has chosen J.J. Abrams over Ben Affleck to direct its new STAR WARS movie.
What?!?! Over Ben Affleck?
Can you imagine a galaxy where R2D2, C3PO, and even Chewbacca talk with thick Boston accents?
ALIAS double agent Jennifer Garner may have been stuck between a Hollywood rock and a hard place.
“Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon” gives way to “Two Degrees of Jennifer Garner”.
(01/24/13)
Livestrong, Lance. But interview weak.
You actually accomplished the impossible. (No, we’re not talking about winning those 7 Tour de France titles after your cancer.) In Lance Armstrong’s attempts to maintain a posture of innocence over his success, he actually made Bernie Madoff’s elaborate deception look good & simple by comparison.
At least Bernie Madoff didn’t bully anyone claiming to have been innocent after the evidence pointed otherwise.
At least Bernie Madoff didn’t rely on manipulative PR tactics in hopes of gaining public sympathy.
At least Bernie Madoff went to jail for his crimes.
Both former icons never thought they would get caught while they ruined other people’s lives.
During his Oprah Winfrey interview, Lance claimed to have looked up the word “CHEATING”, and never felt that he was living up to the definition of the word. “…to gain an unfair advantage over a rival or foe that wouldn’t have otherwise been available to everyone else.”
Is this the dictionary that Lance Armstrong used to look up the word “CHEATING”?
Are you kidding me, Lance? What dictionary are you using? Are you dreaming???
The definition for CHEATING (according to Dictionary.com) never mentions anything about “gaining unfair advantages” or “rivals or foes”. Lance continues to fabricate the truth as he goes along.
Lance Armstrong is delusional. Arrogant. Maniacal. Unrepentant. Despicable.
Despicable Lance Armstrong and his minions…
And so, Flaming Bag of Poo is flabbergasted by anyone who would defend Lance Armstrong the person because he did charity work and helped to bring attention to Livestrong.
Give Flaming Bag of Poo a runaway ego and millions of sponsorship dollars (PLEASE!!!), and surely Poo would find the time for charity work.
In fact, Lance needed the public attention of Livestrong in order to further stroke his ego. Lance needed Livestrong—more than Livestrong needed Lance.
Why did Livestrong even permit Lance to wear their bracelet during the Oprah interview?
Should Livestrong give back some of the millions that Lance helped to raise because of his deceptions? Sorry, but yes!!!
Bernie Madoff also gave millions to charities through his Madoff Charitable Foundation. But it wasn’t his own money to donate.
According to the NY TIMES, the Madoff Charitable Foundation benefited other charitable organizations like the Picower Foundation (who in turn made contributions to the Boys and Girls Club of America, as well as Children’s Aid Society.)
Sorry, kids, it wasn’t your fault.
But that’s tainted money. Bernie’s tainted money!
Lance’s tainted money came from his supposedly untainted blood samples!
How ironic.
At least Bernie Madoff is now serving 150 years for the biggest Ponzi scheme ever. Meanwhile, Lance Armstrong rides free, and gets to chat with Oprah Winfrey.
The manipulation never stops.
Just like with Bernie Madoff, Lance Armstrong’s followers fell victim to blind trust. Blind faith feeds monsters like this.
So you deserve as much blame as Lance. Because you trusted Lance–all the way up until you couldn’t.
Now, don’t you feel like a fool for thinking of Armstrong as a role model?
The face of delusion
(1/18/13)
On April 26, 2012, the National Football League established an elite program for the top one percent of eligible gun slingers. Its purpose was to teach the lost art of aerial combat and to insure that the handful of men who graduated onto the playing field were the best quarterbacks in the world. They succeeded, as eight of them took the reins during the season. Today, even with the season over for all but four teams, the NFL calls it the Best Rookie Class of Quarterbacks.
The quarterbacks call it: TOP GUN.
Yes, eight rookies arrived. And those rookies started at least one NFL game this season. In order of their draft selection: Andrew Luck (Colts), Robert Griffin III (Redskins), Ryan Tannehill (Dolphins), Brandon Weeden (Browns), Russell Wilson (Seahawks), Nick Foles (Eagles), Kirk Cousins (Redskins), and Ryan Lindley (Cardinals).
That’s enough hot shots to send to Top Gun—where only the best and the brightest compete.
Just like Maverick, Goose, Iceman, Slider, Wolfman, Hollywood, Merlin, and even the black dude who you saw dancing in his Navy whites even though you couldn’t remember him in any of the flying scenes. (If you remember that character was named Sundown, then you need to put down this blog and go get yourself a life!!!)
Before the 2012 NFL Draft, the Washington Redskins traded up in order to draft Robert Griffin III with the second pick in the first round.
Instead, the Redskins GM should have traded down into the third round, where he could have selected Russell Wilson with the 75th overall pick.
Because let’s face it, Sports Fans and Movie Lovers: Even though Maverick is more exciting to watch, Iceman is not going to kill it for his teammates.
If you want to win a Super Bowl, take Russell Wilson as your Top Gun over RGIII.
Seattle Seahakws Russell Wilson is your ICEMAN.
Washington Redskins Robert Griffin III is your MAVERICK.
When there’s an aerial fight, you don’t want to get yourself grounded the way that RGIII’s heroics get him into trouble.
A true hero doesn’t go down in the middle of the big climax scene. No, he manages to hang around until the very end. That’s not RGIII. His pride and ego wrote checks his knee couldn’t cash.
“Your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash!”
(Checks??? Who even writes checks anymore? That’s so Y2K?!?!)
That memorable line wouldn’t have been as memorable today: “Son, your ego is using online banking that your debit card can’t cash.”
Meanwhile, let’s give credit where credit is due for Iceman.
Iceman was there every step of the way. Iceman was smart enough to operate within his limitations. And in the end, Iceman still defeated the MIGs.
Confidence is high.
I repeat—confidence is high.
Let’s put aside all Russell Wilson’s touchdowns. Did you see him run downfield to throw blocks to swing Marshawn Lynch—TWICE—against the Redskins? Leadership by example! You can’t teach that.
When I come back from 9-12 months of physical therapy, you are in big trouble, Iceman!!!”
Maverick learned to adapt–but only after Goose died, and that was costly. (Largely because Meg Ryan turned into a real darling, while Kelly McGillis became Amish.)
RGIII’s history of knee problems, his recent knee injury, the medical clearance controversy reported by USA Today, and really poor turf conditions at FedEx Field. It all added up to a DOA.
“The defense department regrets to inform you that your sons are out of the playoffs because they were stupid.”
Unfortunately, RGIII couldn’t adapt his style after his first knee injury. RGIII should have used his other weapons more. And that’s why the Redskins lost after RGIII went down for the next 9-12 months.
Yes, a healthy RGIII maybe gives you the best chance to do exciting aerial stunts. But if he’s grounded, he helps nobody.
“Top Gun rules of engagement are written for your safety and for that of your team. They are not flexible, nor am I. Either obey them or you are history. Is that clear, RGIII?”
Big question is, “What will that Maverick RGIII do now?” Can he still play with the same style that led his team to the playoffs?
“Let me ask you something. If you had to go into battle, would you want him with you?” — “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
So, should RGIII just quit on the way that he currently plays the game?
“The simple fact is you feel responsible…and you have a confidence problem. Now I’m not gonna sit here and blow sunshine up your ass. A good pilot is compelled to evaluate what’s happened, so he can apply what he’s learned. Up there, we gotta push it. That’s our job. It’s your option…”
Yes, in the end, Russell Wilson and the Seahawks lost. But that wasn’t Iceman’s fault. Blame it on the Seahawks Department of Defense!
The moral of the story is: You don’t want a quarterback that creates all the drama.
You want a quarterback that can outlast all the drama.
Afterall, look what happened to Tim Tebow…
Tebow is only making cameo roles during the gay volleyball scenes.
(1/15/13)
The world did not end as the Mayan Calendar predicted.
Or maybe it did.
For the past week on “CNN Trends”, the only topics which have given any competition to the “Fiscal Cliff” have been Justin Bieber (paparazzo accidental death) and Kim Kardashian (Kanye’s baby mama).
Bieber: “Umm…I think the world is flat.” Kardashian: “Ohhh…so that’s why there’s been so many tweets lately about us going over some sort of cliff.
That alone should spell doomsday when celebrities out-trend the U.S. government coming to a grinding halt on the eve of a possible economic meltdown.
I haven’t even seen how “Entertainment Tonight” and “E! News” are reporting on the stalemate on Capitol Hill. Hmmm…I wonder…
Since the Democrats and Republicans cannot agree on any spending cuts, Flaming Bag of Poo must lead-by-example. The way every American citizen should.
May run against Ben Affleck for Massachusetts Senate seat.
Thus, Flaming Bag of Poo’s Annual “Top Ten List of Favorite Movies From This Past Year” has now been trimmed down to five.
Yes, only five!
(That’s a 50% reduction for all you U.S. school kids trailing behind about 30 other countries in math test scores!)
But really, who are we kidding? 2012 was a pathetic year for great movies. I sat down to create my Top 10 list.
#6?!?! Seriously? (Seriously funny.)
But, by #6, I asked myself, “Can I really make 21 JUMP STREET my #6 favorite film of 2012 when I didn’t even like the TV show?”
ARGO may as well have been a Made-For-TV movie. (Yes, I’m showing my age with that reference).
SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK was more overrated than Andy Reid’s final Philadelphia Eagles.
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN, PART 2 was more painful to watch than the brutal rape scene in GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO.
And THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER would have gone straight to NetFlix if not for Emma Watson’s perky casting.
Want to argue with me?
Last year’s Oscar winners are already blurry.
A year from now, you won’t even remember your own five favorite films from this past year. Heck, a day after ABC’s “85th Annual Academy Awards” on February 24th, you will have forgotten your five favorites. (And you’ll also be begging to forget Seth MacFarlane as the Oscars host.)
Apparently, Frankie Muniz wasn’t available to host the Academy Awards this year.
Thus, here is the “Fiscal Cliff” friendly version of Flaming Bag of Poo’s Top 10 Favorite Movies List.
#5 – THE DARK KNIGHT RISES
Just for its sheer execution, this final movie in the trilogy deserves high praise. But if Christopher Nolan had edited out 20 minutes of his self-indulgence, the movie might have been more satisfying.
#4 – PITCH PERFECT
Yes, I went to see this solely to watch Anna Kendrick. I’m not ashamed to admit that now, since the movie was actually everything it would promise to be. Don’t be hating on my girl Anna!
#3 – SKYFALL
My father and I will never see eye-to-eye on James Bond. He loves the gadgets and smirks of Pierce Brosnan and Roger Moore. I prefer a Bond who looks like he can actually throw a punch—and take a punch. I loved CASINO ROYALE for rebooting the Bond franchise, and I loved SKYFALL for exploring the vulnerability of this aging hero.
#2 – THE HUNGER GAMES
In my opinion, the movie was way better than the book—largely because I’m never going to take the time to read the book. What’s really amazing is that it was marketed as an action-drama, but in hindsight, there actually wasn’t a lot of action; it just felt that way.
#1 – PROMISED LAND
Why would I list a 2013 movie at the top of my 2012 movie list?
Yes, PROMISED LAND opens wide on January 4, 2013. But I was lucky to catch an advance screening in Hollywood last month—folllowed by a rare Q&A session with Matt Damon and John Krasinski. Two A-lists actors bond during double dates (during the course of the ASSIGNMENT BUREAU film shoot). One has a pet project about natural gas fracking. The other one wants to make his directorial debut (ultimately, because of scheduling problems, Matt Damon had to relinquish the director role in favor of some hack named Gus Van Sant.) As a writer, I appreciate films that emphasize character dilemmas and internal conflicts. And while some critics weren’t that enthralled with PROMISED LAND, I encourage everyone to catch it!
But really, the best part about PROMISED LAND was the sexiness of Rosemarie Dewitt.
Dewitt oooooooooooozzzzes sexy in her role as a rural teacher-farmer.
It’s so rare that an actress can exude such an innocent, but sexy, appeal by only showing a little more exposed skin than a Muslim woman.
Maybe you overlooked Rosemarie Dewitt in THE COMPANY MEN.
(annoyingly supportive to Ben Affleck’s stubborn out-of-work character)
Or in RACHEL GETTING MARRIED.
(annoyingly normal to Anne Hathaway’s out-of-rehab character)
Because even I overlooked her.
But I just re-watched both just for Rosemarie Dewitt.
Very excited to hear that Dewitt will be joining the cast of THE NEWSROOM for next season!
It’s no wonder that the dude from OFFICE SPACE snatched her up!
If only his Peter Gibbons office slacker character could take a stab at solving the Fiscal Cliff!
Because is there any more dysfunctional office space these days than inside Congress?
(1/3/13)
Flaming Bag of Poo 