The Apprentice Peyton Manning | Flaming Bag of Poo

Peyton Manning.

Perhaps not just the biggest NFL free agent to ever hit the market. He could be the biggest free agent period.

At the moment, there are up to fourteen NFL teams who have already contacted Peyton Manning for next season. Frankly, I wonder why he hasn’t heard from teams much, much bigger than the Cardinals, Jets, Texans, Redskins, Chiefs, Seahawks, Browns, Dolphins, Broncos, Titans, Bills, Vikings, and Buccaneers, and Jaguars. (I listed the Jags last, because that’s where they’ll finish next season with Blaine Gabbert at quarterback.)

Hey, Peyton, limiting your talents and services just to the NFL is a dink-and-dunk philosophy. You gotta think big, man!

Frankly, Flaming Bag of Poo knows five once-powerful teams that could benefit from Peyton Manning calling the shots.

Potential Peyton Manning suitors should actually include the following teams:

Mystery Free Agent Suitor #1: NBC!!!

The Indianapolis Colts have been on top much more recently than NBC. Does anyone even watch NBC shows regularly anymore? What ever happened to “Must See TV”? Last I heard, even Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox aren’t even BFFs anymore!

Strength of schedule??? The Jacksonville Jaguars even have a better strength of schedule than NBC. I stopped watching THE OFFICE well before Michael Scott finally left Dunder Mifflin. And even my beloved 30 ROCK looked more worn out than 60-something rocker Mick Jagger.

Over the past few years, Peyton Manning has been one of NBC’s MVPs. Think about it, a second. SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL IN AMERICA helps to prop up NBC’s weekly ratings throughout the fall. Did you see how many Colts games were scheduled for Sunday night before Peyton’s neck injury? NBC’s ratings this past fall were far short of the Peyton Manning ratings. It’s the Peyton effect.

Carrie Underwood, Peyton Manning, and does it really matter who else is in this photo?

Also, can you think of a funnier pro athlete who has ever hosted SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE?

Put Peyton Manning in charge of NBC Prime Time Programming. You can bet that Peyton will spend plenty of time in the film room to dissect the competition (CBS, ABC, Fox, C/W). He’ll create shows that exploit the weaknesses of the opposing networks. Plus, when a team gets one superstar player like Peyton, then other stars want to come join his team at a discount. For chance to finish the season at #1.

Cameras can even follow Peyton during his early days running NBC. A new reality show starring Peyton Manning, co-produced by the same producers of HBO’s HARD KNOCKS and NBC’s THE APPRENTICE.

Mystery Free Agent Suitor #2: The Los Angeles Lakers!!!

If Phil Jackson wasn’t already considered a mastermind coach before, it only took Mike Brown to remind the Lakers that Phil’s highly-structured offense could at least surpass 100 points on a consistent basis. Heck, Peyton Manning teamed with Kobe Bryant alone could surpass 100 points.

The Lakers have no offense. So why not bring in an offensive mastermind as a player-coach? Peyton can be the point guard that the Lakers need to run the Show-time. LeBron James won’t be the only superstar capable of throwing pinpoint full-court alley-oop passes.

Come on, Jim Buss, you already went out on a limb once before when you hired Mike Brown without Kobe’s consent. In Peyton Manning, Kobe gets a proven winner to lead a spread offense. If there’s anyone with a stronger perfectionist work ethic than Kobe Bryant, it’s Peyton Manning.

Mystery Free Agent Suitor #3: The Academy Awards!!!

Yes, THE ARTIST won the top Oscar prize last month. But really, is there a more brilliant artist on a football field than Peyton Manning when he’s on the field! Even if you turned off the sound, Peyton Manning would be fun to watch with his pre-snap hand gestures and hurky-jery motions. Think about it, when Peyton plays in front of a hostile opposing crowd, you are captivated by the drama of his actions and decisions—even when you can’t even hear him. Too bad that Peyton was on the IR this Oscar season.

Peyton Manning should host the next Oscars! At this year’s Academy Awards, Billy Crystal was nothing more than a veteran back-up quarterback to Eddie Murphy. Serviceable nowadays, but nothing spectacular anymore. Like veteran quarterbacks Mark Brunell or Jon Kitna.

The Academy has been trying to attract a younger demographic for years now. I still can’t get the James Franco-Anne Hathaway experiment out of my head. The cast of JERSEY SHORE makes more sense than Franco and Hathaway as co-hosts last year. Peyton brings a huge demographic boost: an audience who will remain riveted by Peyton Manning’s every move—right to the closing minute. The Bud Light 12-pack crowd will finally tune into the Oscars.

Mystery Free Agent Suitor #4: The Republican Party!!!

November’s presidential election is like the Super Bowl of politics, and the current crop of Republican candidates are nothing more than wild cards. Romney? Santorum? Gingrich? Paul? Those are names that you’d find on the back of a punter’s jersey. (And you only know a punter’s name when he doesn’t something wrong!!!) Yup, that accurately sums up the Republican candidates!

Already a natural behind the podium in front of the press.

The Republicans need Peyton Manning on their ticket if they have any hope of denying Obama back-to-back championships. It’s not too late. Manning could finance his own campaign with the money the Colts paid him last year.

Peyton Manning could win most of the Midwest states and nearly the entire Southeast. But of course, Peyton has little chance of winning in New England; some things never change!

Can the Republicans find a leader as squeaky clean as Peyton Manning? The biggest lie Peyton has ever made was when he faked a spiked throw in the closing seconds—only to throw a touchdown pass while the defense stood around. Yes, Al Qaeda, that’s my Commander-in-Chief! My president knows how to throw bombs!

Mystery Free Agent Suitor #5: Apple!!!

Mystery Free Agent Suitor #5: Apple!!

Yes, that Apple.

The same company that can convince you that your fully suitable iGadget needs to be replaced with the newly released iGadget.

Quick………..can you even name the man who replaced Steve Jobs as CEO of Apple???

One Mississippi,
two Mississippi,
three Mississippi,
four Mississippi,
five Mississippi…

Too late. You’ve been sacked.

Apple’s current CEO is some geek-wannabe named Tim Cook, and he isn’t the nearly visionary that Steve Jobs was. Tim Cook is just Apple’s game manager–a less-GQ version of QB Mark Sanchez. There just so he won’t lose the game, but you don’t depend on him to win it for you. It’s because both Cook and Sanchez lack the creativity and vision of Peyton Manning. Peyton wasn’t just any ordinary CEO of the Colts offense. He was brilliance with an iPigskin!

On the very same day that Apple unveils the new iPad 3, the Colts have their own news conference to announce they won’t be employing Peyton Manning any longer. That’s no coincidence! The Colts should have done a sign-and-trade with Apple; send Peyton to Cupertino in exchange for 500 new iPad 3 and a new iPhone 5 to be named later.

Heck, I’m running out to my closest Apple Store now to line up for blue Apple Store t-shirts that go on sale tomorrow morning. The shirts have “Manning” written across the back.